( the girls fighting over the bath water as usual.)
Exactly one year ago today I was getting the girls ready to go on a over nighter as a family where we went grocery shopping and stayed at a hotel to take the girls swimming. It's so hard to imagine that this was my life and now I am missing half of it. I ache for her today. Especially on the 22nd of every month, the anniversary of her passing. Today it has been 10 months. I cannot believe that time passes so quickly especially when I can remember memories like these as plain as day.
With a new baby coming it has brought on a whole new realm of heart ache for Layne and I.
We worry about Ellie and how she is getting so big and grown up. She will be in kindergarten before I know it. She has been so excited to be a big sister again. I fear that the memories of Jayci will become faint and she'll forget many things about her sister. I know she is only a child and eventually it will happen but for us as parents it only becomes more real. She still talks about Jayci just as if she was here but I know soon it will eventually become less and less and that tears my heart to pieces. I want to keep her memory alive as long as I can. The other night Ellie was upset and said Mom I don't remember some things that Jayci and I did together. So I pulled out my blog books and we read and laughed and she would say things like "I miss her" and "I remember doing that". I am so grateful that I kept our lives written down in blog form. (Although I have been REALLY lacking in it lately... I know the importance of it.)
I miss our Jayci baby a little more everyday. It seems like the longer it has been the harder it is for both Layne and I. We wonder the what if's and picture her in every situation that we are in. How she would be or what she would be doing. We also get to laugh about her and imagine what she would be like. Always adding a little spark to our lives. I realized last night that with all the complaining I did about the things that Jayci did. I'll still complain but maybe laugh about it more with our future kids. She has taught me to appreciate all that I have. And all that I have is my husband and my kids. They are the most important.
I also am worried about this little baby growing in my belly. With losing Jayci I have stopped planning for the future. I seem to be able to plan a month in advance anything beyond that has no meaning because obviously it isn't our plan it's Heavenly Fathers plan. And it can change in an instant. But My fear for this child is that something is going to happen. I can't even imagine it but I don't know if I could deal with the devastation that it will bring to Ellie. She has already been through more then most adults but I can't even imagine telling her that something has happened to this baby.... Every night I pray that all will be well and this baby will be healthy.
Fear and Grief are still a big part of our family. We may be moving forward but never moving on. Our hearts are still broken and we struggle a little bit everyday but time is healing and I do see a bright future. I get to be with my family forever and get to raise Jayci from the moment she left off. Those are bright spots on dreary days. Be grateful for all that you have and never take moments for granted.
5 comments:
Krissy, I just love reading your blogs and your feelings and thoughts. I even catch myself thinking about Jayci every so often. What a sweet spirit that will never leave us. We are so excited for you guys and this new little one. How are you feeling?
Memory is what allows us to have june roses in the winter.
I am so glad you have so many fond memories about your Angel. I think if we couldn't remember loved ones after they are gone, we would all fall apart.
Have you had a blessing for this pregnancy? Try it, it might ease some of your pain.
How are you doing? When is your due date?
We're still praying for you guys. I'm sure everything will be fine with this new little one. How have you been feeling, preggy-wise?
Sending many ((Hugs)) its never easy, but with time you learn to live with what is your new normal. And I promise Ellie, will not forget her little sister, Jayci, she is forever engraven in her heart. Even my Shayli remember's Deke, and she only saw him for a moment.
I wish you knew how often I think about you and your family Krissy. I always meant to let you know how incredible I think that you are. I don't know you that well- but I think you may well be the strongest woman I know. Your faith is an inspiration and you have a better grasp on the meaning of this life (and the next) better than most of us ever will.
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