aLl BeCaUsE tWo PeOpLe FeLl In LoVe...

A new year, a much bigger look!

2012-02-10T11:30:00.000-08:00

Ellie is beyond excited. If you see her whether she knows you or not she is going to let you know she is going to be a big sister. She is going to be this Mommy's biggest helper. She is already planning on changing the babies diaper and feeding it while I do dishes. She is already head over heals for this little one in my belly... But when we told her the one thing she had to say was
"I'd been wondering why your belly is getting so fat...."
Trust me it was hilarious Layne was practically bawling he was laughing so hard!
Gotta love a VERY HONEST 5 year old.

We are bound and determined to make 2012 a brighter and happier year!!!

Jayci's Last Haircut

2012-02-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

I have to say I just barely pulled out my old phone and pulled all the pictures off of it. It about tore my heart out checking out all the pictures I have of my little Jayci. Especially these pictures of Jayci's last haircut. During Christmas I was talking to Char about Jayci's hair and how many haircuts she actually got in her 16 months of life. We decided about every 3-4 months. which equals to about 5 hair cuts. These were taken on March 1, 2011 of her very last hair cut. I loved the bob that Char gave her. It made her look so grown up. What I love most is how she sat so nicely, it was like she knew exactly what she was doing. Maybe because she has done it a few times!!! :) I sure miss this little lady. Today especially I had alot of time on my hands to think while I drove to Boise and back. I just ache for those slobbery kisses and tight squeezes. I appreciate the rainbow she sent my way because I really needed it to brighten my drive. I cannot believe a year is coming right up.....

She's Getting Married

2012-01-30T15:21:00.000-08:00

My Sister Jessica is getting married in September. We could not be more excited about it other then the fact that she wants all of her sisters as bridesmaids. We get to get all dolled up and stand in her line. I'm kinda excited about it. She is one to get right on things so she asked if I would come and watch her try on dresses. Since her "MAN OF HONOR" is her best friend Scott.... he came along too. He is very opinionated like me so we definately fell in love with the same dress as soon as she put it on. These are not her dresses but I thought they were gorgeous. The one with her back towards me was about $1800... I can't even imagine spending that on a dress but she didn't but they were gorgeous. Ellie got in on the fun too and helped her put her dresses on and off. She was happy and cannot wait to be a "pedal girl" TWICE this summer. She is going to be one busy girl. Because my brother is getting married too. (Post to come later.) We are so excited to get a new sister and brother this summer. Our family keeps growing and growing. I cannot wait to get more nieces and nephews coming.... :)

Ellie's Christmas from Uncle Jacob and Aunt Mandy

2012-01-30T15:09:00.000-08:00

We didn't get to go up north this year for Christmas or New Years so my brother sent Ellie's gift with my sister. She loves it and takes it with her everywhere she goes in the house.

Playing with Sam

2012-01-30T14:19:00.000-08:00

Fred and Emy were having all the siblings over for a after Christmas-Christmas party and asked if Sam could come hang out with us. Of course we said yes and Ellie was beyond excited to get to push him around for awhile. I love that my girls have always felt comfortable around Fred and Emy's kids. It has taught them to love everyone. We have alot of kids in the Darrington family with disabilities and it teaches all of us compassion and how to serve one another. It was a good night and they had alot of fun torturing on Layne!

Jayci's Place

2012-01-30T13:49:00.000-08:00

On December 31, 2011, While we were gone on vacation they installed Jayci's headstone. I was a little (okay, A LOT) sad that I wasn't around to witness it being installed. But thanks to a few good friends I was able to get pictures right away. I sent Kenna on a mission to make sure all of Jayci's things were still there and to send me a few pictures. She was happy to help out and sent me quite a few pictures that I loved. After I talked to Kenna my friend Angela sent me pictures of Jayci's headstone complete with flowers in the vases. I love that my friends loved her and miss her as much as I do. I am so lucky to have all of them and are grateful for the days when they just let me cry/vent.

Front Back

When I was designing Jayci's headstone I wanted it to tell her story. I wanted it to portray her love for water and also the beauty in which she brought into our lives. Not only does it tell her story but I didn't want the details of her day forgotten. So I added her footprints in the sand where she walked into the river. To me it is symbolism of the love my Savior has for me and our family. He knew I needed it to be quick and a way that she was happy. I know that she was guided to that water for I know she didn't go alone.

I am very partial to the back of Jayci's headstone. I knew I wanted it to say "THE BEAST" because that is who she was to me. I love her more than anything and I love that we had a very special bond as mother and daughter for she loved to torture me. But I did have someone point out to me that if I just left "THE BEAST" on the back of it my grandkids would never understand. So she suggested that I also put "lovingly known as" THE BEAST. So that it would be easily understood that The Beast was her nickname and always how we referenced her.

It was getting late But I wanted to snap a quick picture of Jayci and Sasha's headstones together. Sasha is one of my very dear friends baby girl that was born to heaven nearly six years ago. Jayci and her are taking care of one another until they can be with their families again. I love the thought that they are always there together for I know she is never alone. Robbie and I often Joke about being risen next to each other after the 2nd coming and what an amazing reunion it will be to be together as families meeting all of us for the first time.

We miss our baby girl and this is definitely the hardest thing that I have to go through for I still ache for her each and every single day. I pray for her happiness along with ours. We are healing but it is not easy! It brings a peace of mind to know that as long as we continue to do the things we are suppose to be doing we will be with her again. Families are Forever, and we are so blessed to have that knowledge to get us through day by day for everyday is a challenge.

Playing Catch up

2012-01-30T13:45:00.000-08:00

I am just going to skip over the family vacation for now because it's just overwhelming. I will get caught back up with it at a later date. I have quite a few other posts to get up and I'd rather get those down before I forget.

Some days...

2012-01-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

Some days are harder then others. Today is one of those days that I can't get her off my mind.
I wish I could kiss those cute cheekies one more time. I wish I could look into those beautiful BIG BROWN eyes.Run my fingers through her hair and listen to her laugh. Watch her run through the house naked after her bath like a crazy lady. Love on her sister, pull her hair and then run away as fast as those chubby little legs will take her. I miss and love you sweet baby. I can't believe in 3 days it will be 9 months. It doesn't seem right or fair. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. It feels like yesterday that I held you in my arms and kissed you over and over again. But for now those are all I have, Memories!!

Darrington Vacation Days 1 and 2

2012-01-18T14:02:00.000-08:00

December 26, 2011

We left on our adventure at 6:50 am heading to our first destination of Las Vegas. We stayed at Hooters and went to a Variety Magic Show. It was awesome! Ellie was completely consumed by the show and participated by clapping and cheering and screaming. It was so fun watching her. I wish I had my camera but we figured they wouldn't let us take pictures so I missed out on pictures from that night.

(Ellie was so amazed by the ocean. She loved playing in the sand and finding sea shells. I loved that she made a sand angel for her sister. Layne wrote Jayci and Ellie's names in the sand and stood there and stared at them for the longest time. It broke my heart to know that he was missing her but I know he felt her presences. )

The next day we got up early and headed towards Anaheim. I was so excited to see the ocean. I could not believe how MAGNIFICENT it was. It completely and utterly took my breath away. I remember just standing there speechless. I have never felt the presence of Jayci as much as I did at that moment. As I was watching everyone play in the water I knew she was there. I stood there and bawled. I had a conversation with her just as if she was standing right there with me. I never felt so warm in my whole entire life. I knew at that moment the vail was so close. Close enough to reach out and take her in my arms. I felt like I could of taken her hand in mine and run down the beach. I felt her happiness and I have to admit it was contagious. As I smiled through the tears I had to let her go back.After that I needed to be a part of my life with Layne and Ellie running and playing with them on the beach. It was one of the most memorable moments of the whole trip. It made it for me. I was completely smitten again by my baby girl and by the amazing life that I live. We may not have it all, but together is all we have.

Christmas Night

2012-01-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

We went to Dan and Byra Lou's around 6 and had our Family Christmas Party. It was fun to eat and visit. I love soup so it's usually one of my favorite events of the holiday. Ellie got fun things to take on our 12 hour trip to Disneyland. She especially loved spending the evening with cousins playing and visiting. We are so lucky to have such a close family. I don't know what I would of done in the last year with out all of them.

Christmas Morning

2012-01-10T15:47:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could say that I was really excited about Christmas this year but in all honestly it was quite the opposite. Last year I could not wait to get the girls up and have them see all their gifts. This year I just kept buying for Ellie in hopes that the pain of not being able to buy for two would go away but it didn't. I was drawn to things that I would of bought for Jayci so every time I felt like that I would buy something else for Ellie. To say the least she got a little spoiled and I learned that not any amount of toys can take the pain away or make it lessen.

I thought about her the whole time we were opening gifts. I felt her presences and so did Layne. We would just look at each other with tears running down our faces as we watched Ellie open gifts. Every time she would open one I could picture Jayci right in the middle of it standing on Ellie's gifts or tearing them apart. It seems like our home was filled with undeniable love. It was probably the first time EVER on Christmas that I felt the spirit as I opened gifts and pondered the life of Christ. For the most part we loved just being home and being as a family.

I got very spoiled by my sweet husband. He surprised me with an Ipad. I am kind of a techy girl and enjoy playing with technical things. He has marked a box with a star and wanted me to open it last. What he didn't realize is he put the star on the wrong box and I opened the Ipad before I was suppose to. He was so cute about it and I of course got everything I wanted including the start of my Willow Tree Nativity. They have become one of my very favorite things. Since I got so many when Jayci passed away I just see them and think of her. So to say the least we both got very spoiled. In fact it has been the first Christmas that we have actually gotten each other things since we've been married. I know it won't happen every year but we tried all we could to keep Christmas alive in our home. I think Ellie was just as excited for my gifts as she was for hers. Including my "Santa Suit" Layne got me. (Yes it was a Santa Nighty and Yes every time some one came over to look at our gifts she pulled it out to show them. Most got more then they have bargained for and it made it a little uncomfortable for her Dad to see me in knowing how much Ellie liked it. Maybe Next year!!! bahahaha)

After we were done opening gifts we ate breakfast and then got ready for church. I loved that Christmas was on Sunday this year. I loved bringing that little extra bit of Christ into our Christmas. I loved all the talks that were shared on their favorite Christmas hymn. My favorite was given by Sandy Mallory on the Song Silent night and she told of Mary's story as she carried the Savior and her feelings of that night. It was amazing and I'll have to remember to ask her where she got it so I can get a copy of it.

Christmas Eve

2012-01-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve was very low key. We spent it with Layne's family opening presents and eating a yummy dinner of prime rib and shrimp. We sat around and visited and watched a snowmobiling movie.

When we got home we tried talking Ellie into going to bed but that was just not happening. Layne and I were exhausted but she was just not having it. We have found out through that week that she is a WORRY WORT! I mean to the point of freaking out hyperventilating, crying, and cannot sleep. She worries herself to the point where she gets sick. I feel that this is becoming quite the issue and will take some getting used to especially when she is a TEENAGER... (Oh my...) I can't say that I don't blame her. She has been through more than any 5 year old she ever have to and it's only the beginning. I pray for her peace of mind all the time. I hope with continuing counseling it will help. I honestly feel helpless and impatient with it sometimes, but I know that I just need to keep praying for help.

She finally fell sleep around midnight and Layne and I got everything set up. She loved setting out cookies and milk for Santa, throwing the food for the reindeer and reading the Christmas story.

Treasures from Brad

2012-01-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

Through the end of Brad's mission he kept telling us all he got us treasures. So we waited till Christmas Eve to open our gifts from him. I love how much thought and effort he put in to each on of our gifts. Along with each gift was another story or he would say something like I didn't know what to get ya but I found this.... We all loved our treasures but most importantly we are all just happy to have him home. Although I did laugh about everything he brought home. He gave away all his cloths including suits and all the rest of his belongings to make room for all his memorabilia and gifts to us. I believe he only brought home the suit on his back a few shirts.... Thanks for the gifts Braddy, we all loved them.

Christmas Eve, Eve

2012-01-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

(these were from the next morning after Matt and Jess left but I just wanted to show Ellie's new painting isle. )

We invited Matt and Jess to come over and spend the night with us since we wouldn't get to see them for awhile. Ellie opened presents from Matt and Jess, Aunt Jana Kenyon, and then Aunt Kay-Kay. She of course made a haul like always. She got an Art kit to help her painting skills, and Apron with Kitchen spatulas and it wouldn't be complete with out slippers and a Justin Beiber Barbie (that makes two of them.) After that we had a long night of the Construction game. Like always Layne won!

Ward Christmas Party

2012-01-05T12:02:00.000-08:00

Ellie loves Santa and is very eager to tell him EXACTLY what she wants from him. It never changes. She decides after her birthday and tells every Santa who's lap that she sits on the toy she has chosen. Lucky for me, she never changes her mind. This year it just happened to be "a Barbie puppy vet kit." (Which ended up being about $90 dollars cheaper then her Barbie Camper she got last year. )

December 22, 2011
Ellie was so excited to be big enough to play a bell for the Primary part of the program this year. I love how she is always blowing kisses or winking at Layne and I whenever she is doing some type of performance. She is definitely full of it sometimes.

Brad Showing off his memorabilia from Argentina.

2012-01-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

These pictures were taken when Brad got to see the remodel for the first time. Can you tell he was just so happy to be home and standing in his own house.

The night Brad got home he wanted to just spend time with our family. Notice that Ellie hardly ever left his side. She is so excited to have her Uncle Braddy home. We loved listening to his stories on each thing he brought home. There of course were tears shed for some stories were very touching. He brought home some amazing hand made things.

The Darrington's

2011-12-23T10:38:00.000-08:00

Our Family Reunited Once Again.
Although we are minus one special Angel, I know she was there in Spirit.

Brad's Homecoming at the Airport

2011-12-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday December 21st we welcomed Elder Darrington home from Argentina Buenos Aires West Mission. I never thought the day would EVER come but it finally did. I am so happy for him and for our family. He served the Lord with all his heart and is ready to start the next adventures in his life.

Well, as we were waiting in the airport we waited with talk of excitement of how he would be. Ellie was so excited she had to go to the bathroom every five minutes. As he was coming down the tunnel from the escalator we could see him and were instantly excited. When he saw us he got the biggest GRIN on his face and it never went away. When Ellie saw him she started running and jumped into his arms. They hugged for a second and then he moved on to everyone else. The best part was he didn't even recognize Amanda. I think the first time around he skipped right over her. It was so cute when he realized it was her... She definitely changed the most out of everyone. The next one down he said was Ellie and only because she talks alot. LOL... He told us we all looked about the same but that his mom and dad had aged a little bit. It is so good to have him home.

Ellie was so excited she never left his side. No matter where he was or what he was doing. She was right next to him holding his hand. I'm sure it makes him feel a bit uneasy since he wasn't allowed to touch anyone for two years. It is the sweetest thing. (Now two days later it hasn't changed... She told me she is only going to do it for 7 days and then everyone else can have a chance.) So cute.

Live Nativity

2011-12-21T21:46:00.000-08:00

On Monday evening for FHE we took Ellie to a live nativity. It was so neat. They had two camels, sheep, a goat, chickens, donkeys and every character. Ellie was in Heaven. She kept saying Mom I'm going to go ask that Mary if I can hold that baby Jesus. (he was just a doll, but she did not care.) Kids are so innocent and at this age absorb EVERYTHING. She is all about Jesus this Christmas because you know Jayci is with him while she is in our heart...

(Not to self add more pictures when publishing my blurb book.)

Nielsen Christmas Party

2011-12-20T16:37:00.000-08:00

I always enjoy going to the Nielsen Christmas party and visiting with family. It's not that often that we get together so when we do I take full advantage of visiting with everyone. Ellie got a "pretty barbie" and was as happy as could be. ( I am sure loving my new camera. Still working out how to take "good" pictures.)

Roommate Reunion Luncheon

2011-12-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I decided it was time to get together with all my old roommates and neighbors (which were practically roommates).
It was so much fun to sit and just visit with all of them. I missed the ones that couldn't make it. We laughed and laughed for hours.
I sure appreciate all of them and am very grateful for their friendships. I don't know what I would of done with out them in my life.
Love you all and thanks for such a fun afternoon.

Braddy is Coming Home.

2011-12-20T15:38:00.001-08:00

Dear Jayci,

I have to say this is a very bitter sweet letter that I have to write to you... I can't believe that it has been two years since Uncle Brad left on his mission and these pictures are how he remember you. I have often looked back on those last few hours that your Uncle Braddy held you and loved you. I remember watching him with you and thinking something is off and maybe even a little unsettling. Who would of ever thought it was because it would be the last time he held you or saw you physically. I know he has felt you spiritually but with you it's just not the same. I remember just crying when I watched the two of you. It was like you both knew that this is where your relationship on this worth would end. Who would of ever thought you two would of been missionaries together.

I have to brag about your Uncle Brad. He has been such an amazing example to me and our family. He has served his mission with faith and willingness to serve the Lord. I have loved reading his emails and hearing how his mission has gone. I know that he was meant to be in Argentina serving others and spreading the Word of Christ. I loved that he could tell them how he KNOWS that families are forever because he has you!!! Heaven only knows how that is keeping this Mommy going.

He is an amazing guy and I cannot wait to tell him all about you. And the only way we can truly share your story with him is by reading all about every thing you have ever done to us. By reading the blog he will know why your nickname was "the Beast" and why we always talked about you and Ellie in every email. He always made comments about how he couldn't wait to spend time with you and get to know you like we did.

Sis, Please keep looking after our family. I pray that 2012 will be a better year. I pray that we will see more blessings than heartache. I pray for another miracle baby to join our family and we all know that is in the Lords hands. So if you could please nudge him a little on that we would sure appreciate it.

I guess while I'm at writing you a letter I might as well tell you how sad I am that you are going to miss out on Disneyland. Dad and I were laying in bed discussing how big of a handful you would be. He says he would be hunting down a serious dog leash to keep you near. But I informed him that it wouldn't of ever held you back you would of kept on going and going... We all would of been so tired from chasing you all over the place. I miss you sweet baby. Every where I go or what ever I do I always feel like something is missing. And maybe it's because I miss having some one who just needs their Mama. (your sister Ellie is quite independent if you know what i mean...)

Well, I could go on forever but I am going to close with this. Give Heavenly Father a hug from me. Tell him I love him and am so grateful for all that I have. I hope you are enjoying the lights from Heaven and can feel of all of our love for you. You are missed sweet Angel of mine. But I have to say you are one lucky duck to be spending your Christmas with Jesus.

I LOVE YOU!

Mom

Who's Cute Husband is this?

2011-12-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

Mine that's Who!!!

(Apparently this was his white elephant gift from the Young Men camp out tonight. He has no clue I even have this picture. I have no idea who text it to me. I wish I knew what he was thinking as he was wearing this around the cabin. What I do know is, it's given me a good laugh all night. If you know him at all, you'll know this is so out of character for him. I sure love this guy with all my heart.... sweater and all)

A Heavy Heart...

2011-12-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

I wish I knew the words to describe what I am feeling right now. But mostly it's just heartache. I found out yesterday that my sister lost her step-brother-in-law to a decision which inevitably took his life. I wish I could go and be with her at this time but unfortunately I live 8 hours away. I talked to her last night and realized quite a few things about my sister that I always knew but were never said out loud.

I always knew that deep down when we were younger she had a huge heart but never showed it. She always kept to herself and never really told anyone how she felt. For the most part I learned all about who she was as a child when we were adults from other people. And when she became a Mother I was amazed at the what an amazing nack she had for it... I believe it was her destiny. She is so unselfish and works hard everyday to take care of her family. I am grateful to call her one of my best friends. Even though we don't talk everyday there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her or any of my other siblings. (whom I also consider some of my very best friends.)

When Jayci died I remember just seeing that look on her face when she pulled into my drive way. The look of complete loss. The look like "What can I possibly say to make this any better." But instead of saying anything she just held me as we wept. As a mother you can only imagine the deepest of all pains you can endure and that is inevitably for us losing one of my children. Why I had to go through it I don't know but it has given us all (both our families) a new sense of the word "family."

My oldest sister is a quiet doer. I don't know if she knows all the things I remember her doing while she was here on the worst week of my life. Like doing laundry (OH MY there was a ton), folding it and putting it away, making sure that I ate, putting her arm around me when I was trying to be tough and telling me she loved me. My favorite of all was laughing with me when people thought I was crazy because I was "happy". Like when someone ran over Ellie's cat the first day we had them the day after Jayci passed away.... (We seriously gut rolled over that one.. I sounds morbid and cruel but it was just our luck, it's a good thing there were 5 more to take it's place.)

I hope she knows how much I love her and ache for her right now. I loved laughing and crying with her over the phone last night. Even though every story is different losing someone you love and especially a child the pain is still the same. I hope and pray my sister is being as strong for her mother-in-law and step-father-in-law as she was for me. And also to know if I could I'd be right there for her like she was for me. I love you Sis, and cannot tell you how sorry I am that you have to go through this again. But know you are loved... And I'm sending you the biggest hug I can muster up.

I love this quote by President Monson-- "Life beyond the grave is real, and as certain as our life here."

Rest in peace Lee Ryan Sims.

Christmas in the South Hills

2011-12-15T14:27:00.000-08:00

On Monday we went to Twin Falls to Twin Falls to visit with my sisters and Matt for Christmas. This holiday season is so busy for us with everything that is going on that we had to cram it in one day that we didn't have anything going on. We were and ate at Chili's then went to the South Hills to see all the Christmas lights. My sister Jessica and her man Matt have never been out there so we went with them since it is something that we have done every year as a family. Ellie loves to feed the camel and could hang out with him all night. She also loves to see Santa and even if it's not a sit on your lap type Santa she still tells him what she wants. So cute. I'm grateful that my sisters live so close. I have always been on my own since I was married and during college but now I have them close and can go see them any time I want. Nothin beats quality time with family.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years. Love the Darrington's (Layne, Krissy, Ellie and our little angel Jayci)

Denton's Annual Christmas (stuff) Party

2011-12-12T21:13:00.000-08:00

(I love this picture. Rebecca is one of Layne's cousin that is an angel on Earth. To me this picture sums up what I believe in Santa. A true giver of pure love. I LOVE IT!!!)

2011-12-08T08:53:00.001-08:00

Jayci's Angel's ( I received these when Jayci passed away and now I just can't get enough.)

Jayci's First Angel (2011)

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN (Author Unknown)

I see the countless Christmas Trees, around the world below, with tiny lights, like heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow. The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear, for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, but the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here. I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart, but I am not so far away. We really aren't apart. So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear, and be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from our heavenly home above. I send you each a memory of, my undying love. After all, "LOVE" is the gift, more precious than pure gold. It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as our Father said to do, for I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you. So, have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear. Remember, I am spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

Tank, Roxie, and Missy (Mom, Dad and Baby)

2011-12-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

Earlier this evening we took Tank over to his "WIFE'S" house so that they can have puppies. (Just FYI if Ellie Tells you that Tank is having babies or anything close to that just know your info is coming from a 5 year old.) I was just loving watching Tank have a play mate. Not to mention one of his previous puppies was there. They are such cute dogs. I cannot wait till they do have puppies because I think were going to get ourselves one of them. Which means TWO St. Bernards. Oh me oh my... CANNOT WAIT!

Ellie Loves to put up her Window Clings

2011-12-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas Time is Here....

2011-12-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

I L.O.V.E. Christmas. It's probably my favorite time of year. But this year, it's just different. I don't even know how I feel about Christmas. I am going through the motions but not really feeling them. I have enjoyed starting off the month with Jayci's birthday. But since then I have felt like something is missing. I have an ache in my heart that is always eating at me. Even if I don't think about it it's just there. I M.I.S.S. my little angel. I have found myself wandering around aimlessly, not focusing when I should. In stores I always wind up near the toddler toys. Most the time I just want to break down but hold it in till I'm in the car and have a minute alone. I sometimes am so mad that I forget it's not about the presents, but the birth of our Savior.

I am so blessed because of his sacrifice on my (our) behalf. I am so grateful for all the tender mercies I have been a part of in the last year. As much as I have HATED this year and cannot wait for the year 2012. I have been eternally blessed. In the sheer fact that I have only one destination and that is to live as Christlike as I can so I can live with him again. I know I am not perfect and am so grateful for the atonement so that I can be forgiven for my shortcomings. But I am always working on it.

I loved President Monson's Talk at the Christmas Devotional. It is truly exactly what I needed to hear and remember especially this year.

“Because when we keep the spirit of Christmas,” he said, “we keep the spirit of Christ, for the Christmas spirit is the Christ spirit. It will block out all the distractions around us, which can diminish Christmas and swallow up its true meaning.”

President Monson then summarized some of the many gifts we receive because Heavenly Father gave us the gift of His Son, sending Him to earth as our Redeemer.

“Because He came to earth, we have a perfect example to follow. As we strive to become more like Him, we will have joy and happiness in our lives and peace each day of the year. It is His example, which if followed, stirs within us more kindness and love, more respect and concern for others.

Because He came, there is meaning to our mortal existence.

Because He came, we know how to reach out to those in trouble or in distress, wherever they may be.

Because He came, death has lost its sting, the grave its victory. We will live again because He came.

Because He came and paid for our sins, we have the opportunity to gain eternal life.

Because He came, we are gathered tonight to worship Him in bonds of brotherhood and love.

May His precious Spirit be with us, and may He ever be the center of our celebrations and indeed of our very lives.”

I pray that you are all finding Joy and Peace in your Holiday Season. We are doing the best that we can with what we have.

Have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Last Winter Performance @ Autumn Haven

2011-12-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

Celebrating Jayci's Birthday with her...

2011-12-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

We went over to the cemetary right around 4:30 as the sun was just getting ready to set. It was beautiful. We sang happy birthday to her, Ellie blew out her candles and then let balloons go. I don't know if you know how hard it is to sing to someone that is in Heaven and you desperately wish they were here but it's DANG HARD! We sat just sat and cried for our little girl. We just wished we could of been home celebrating like we were suppose to. My sweet friends left a jar with little notes to all of us and I LOVED THEM!!! They were perfect for the day and added so much. I do have to say that I have the best friends that any girl could ever ask for! It was a special and VERY hard day.. but we made it through and are just looking forward to good things that are coming our way. We hope you had a FANTASTIC birthday in Heaven Jayci. I hope you made one heck of a mess with your cake!!!! LOVE YOU BABY GIRL!!!

Hunting Down the Christmas Tree

2011-12-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

Minidoka Festival of Trees

2011-12-02T13:16:00.000-08:00

She was pretty much excited that her Daddy was there.

Winking at her Dad! Pretty dang Cute!

Oh Ellie.....

2011-12-02T09:22:00.000-08:00

I just have to say it's so nice to have my little girl back. Even since Jayci passed away we have been going through alot of things with this little lady. Like for instance she has been MEAN. And by mean, she is yelling at kids and hitting them and won't even give anyone the time of day. I know she is going through alot. Who wouldn't be having a hard time after just losing their best friend. She is to little to let us know how her heart is feeling so she lashes out in anger. We have been going to counseling with her for a little over six weeks now and it's been AMAZING. DeeAnn has taught her how to express herself and use emotion words when she starts to feel something. I have loved watching the transformation and especially love having her quark back.

Which is where these pictures stem from....

After reading her a book and snuggling a little bit she was mad I didn't want to hang out any longer and informed me she was staying up all night. I was cracking up the whole time Layne and I were watching TV because she kept yelling at me and wanting me to come up there.... She finally gave in....
When Layne went in to check on her he came out and said "Get your camera..." I thought to myself now what did she do?
And this is what I saw. I about peep my pants I was laughing so hard. Layne and I were both laughing so hard we were crying. I could not for the life of me even imagine what she was thinking to go to bed with a helmet on buckled and all.
When I tried to take it off Layne was standing in the door way laughing and Ellie wakes up for two seconds and said " Dad what are you doing in my room?" Kind of a little irritated that we were bugging her. He told her he was coming in to kiss her goodnight she was satisfied with that and rolled over and mumbled I love you too. I went to bed that night giggling the whole night. I could not stop laughing to myself. We sure love her imagination.

The next morning I asked her why she went to bed with a helmet on and she proceeds to tell me that Pete (Our cat) scratched her and it hurt and wearing the helmet made it feel better.
I told her Pete was never in the house and then she comes up with Well haven't you ever heard of Ghosts?

Ghosts! Really?

I see the light....

2011-12-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

(Since Ellie had the Tangled Costume they asked her to wear it. It was pretty fitting for the evening and my little girl loves to be the center of attention, even if it's just for a second. Can you tell?!)

Aunt Jana and Uncle Tim always do a spiritual fireside during the holiday season. This year they ended up doing it Thanksgiving weekend so most everyone could be there. It was based off the song in the movie Tangled "I See the Light." They told the story and compared it like unto Heavenly Father and how he loves all his children. The little girls all dressed up sang the song "I see the Light." (With ALOT of Holly's Help.)

All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it's all so clear
I'm where I am meant to be

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Things, the way they were
Now she's here shining in the starlight
Now she's here, suddenly I know
If she's here it's crystal clear
I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once, everything is different
Now that I see you
Now that I see you

All the little girlies dressed up. They are pretty dang cute!

Aunt Jana bought flying lanterns for everyone to let go. It was amazing and beautiful. I can't even explain the joy I had in watching them go. I know that I have an angel in heaven that loved them as much as I did. I have loved all the experiences that I have already had at the beginning of this holiday season to bring in the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

GO BIG BLUE, BSU!!!

2011-12-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

11/26/2011
A few months ago Chase and Dani had told us they got us tickets to TWO BSU games. Of course Layne and I were excited about them because we never miss a game on tv and really enjoy watching them play. It has been about 4 years since we have been to a game so we were happy to accept. And not to mention they are quite good seats espeically when they are playing down on their own Goal.

I have to say that I kinda like Chase and Dani alot. Chase was one of Layne's very good friends in high school and I have enjoyed getting to know him and especially his sweet wife Dani. We have alot in common and get along really well. She is such a sweet girl and would do anything for anyone. We also have one thing in common and that is our little girls. Their little girl Deja was born on December 7th and Our Jayci was born December 1st. Every time we were together we would always snap a picture of our two little beauties. And now since Jayci is gone I can only imagine and wish she was still here. But it is very nice to have Deja around so we can picture where our little lady would be. Like for instance Deja is getting pretty good about talking and it makes me wonder what our little miss would even sound like when she talks. Oh the dreams... But lucky for us we have them around and in our lives...

Thanks guys! LOVE YA!

Thanksgiving Feast...

2011-12-01T19:55:00.000-08:00

Our Thanksgiving was very low key this year. It consisted of my Mom and Step-Dad Fred, My sister Amanda and Brother in law Kevin and their little girl Ava, Our Family, my little-TALL brother Jacob his fiance Mandy, and my step brother Derek. We enjoyed a HUGE meal that didn't even look like we took a dent out of it when we were done. I wanted to brine the turkey this year. With a lot of whining from the peanut gallery it turned out delicious but made the gravy a little (ALOT) salty. (Next year less salt.) We enjoyed a few games and good company. Layne went hunting the WHOLE time we were there and never got anything. But was excited to visit with my brother.

Happy Thanksgiving 2011

Happy 2nd Birthday

2011-11-30T14:27:00.000-08:00

December 1, 2011

As I was pondering what I wanted to write about this day. I read my friend Ashley's blog about how she feels about celebrating her daughters birthday but can only imagine her as a 19 month old. That is exactly how I feel but could never put it into words. When I think of Jayci I will only ever see our 16 month old baby. Her big HUGE gappy smile and matted hair. Her very cute, chubby kissable cheeks. Her dark brown eyes and ridiculously long eye lashes. Her fat knees and her waddle-ly little walk. How she always gives me the look when ever we would ask or if I did something she did not like. I will remember her love for her naked water baby that she carried every where.

Along with remembering the what is... I'll always remember the what's? What would she look like now? Would her hair be long or would I of whacked if off because I was so irritated with it? Would she be talking and what would be the words she would pick up on right away? What would her and Ellie be scheming up to torture me? What if? What? Would she? They could go on for hours and hours.
So for her birthday this year and every year following we will be going to the cemetary and sending balloons and love her way. We will buy her flowers and a baby to set by her headstone. We will be buying an Angel to put on our tree every year from here on out to always keep her apart of our holiday season. Her Birthday is December 1st, how fitting to have an angel of our own in Heaven to always remind us of our Saviors Birth. A perfect way to start off our Holiday season.

I was reading the Ensign and came across the First presidency Message that is called "The Choice to be Grateful." By Henry B. Eyring. He says that is it a commandment to be grateful in all things. And it is required of us to give thanks for the blessings that we receive. So to avoid misery, we must have a grateful heart. All of us would like to feel gratitude, but it is not easy to be consistently grateful with all the trials in our lives. Sometimes we take things for granted and sorrow can take over our lives.

Most of all, sometimes it is hard for us to be sufficiently grateful for the greatest gifts we receive: The birth of Jesus Christ, His Atonement, the promise of resurrection, the opportunity to enjoy eternal life with our families, the Restoration of the Gospel with the preisthood and it's keys. Only with the help of the Holy Ghost can we begin to feel what those blessings mean for us and for those we love. And only then can we hope to be thankful for all things and avoid the offense to God of ingratitude.

We can all make the choice to give thanks in prayer and to ask God for direction to serve others for Him--

I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this article. In celebrating Jayci's birthday I am going to be grateful for all that I have. That I have an angel in Heaven waiting for her Mommy and Daddy to make it back to her so we can continue raising her from right where she left off. That I have been sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity and that we'll be together as a family forever. All though I may shed a few (ALOT) of tears and ache for my daughter everyday, I will always keep thy commandment and have a grateful heart.
Dear Jayci,

Happy Birthday baby! I'm sure if your Dad was sitting here right next to me he would say "Happy Birthday Charlie! Happy Birthday." Like he does for all of the rest of us on our birthdays. I cannot believe you would have been two. Terrible Twos. You probably would of been twice as adventurous and INTO EVERYTHING!!! I can only imagine the two year old fits that you would throw. I saw a few before you were even 1 1/2 so I might have a little idea. I hope that you save those fits for Mom because I'm always up for a good laugh. I love that in your legacy you left me with the desire to be most patient and loving. To never sweat the small stuff and just smile and be grateful for all that I have. I hope you know how much you are missed. Not having you in our lives has left a hole that will never be filled but with time will eventually get smaller. We pray for you every night, to let you know how much we love you and we pray for your happiness. You are a part of everything we do and we do every thing we can to be with you again. I miss you everyday and cannot wait for the time when we will be together again. Happy Birthday Sis I hope you will enjoy the balloons we send your way. Please always watch over us and help us make the right decisions to continue on the straight and narrow.

I LOVE YOU infinity and ONE!

MOM

2011-11-29T18:30:00.000-08:00

I have often felt like I could feel Jayci's presence and maybe I do. But never like I felt tonight.

It all started with writing my facebook post about how I miss having someone to fuss over. By putting on their boots, Chase all over, keep warm, Etc.... About 30 minutes after posting that my friend Angela stopped by and gave me a hug. She said she felt like maybe I needed that today... Of course I needed it more than I'd ever known because when she hugged me I just lost it. I just really felt overcome with love. Like it was Jayci wrapping her arms around me. She knew how much I would need it or did at that moment...

After she left I just sat in the chair for a minute and just reflected on the year. I picked my laptop back up and for some reason picasa ran through all of my pictures from 2009-present. It was as if she was showing me her life and how happy she was. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it but just sat and watched as every picture of her life quickly flashed by. Just as her life here on Earth did. I know that her life was full filled. I know she had more important things to do on the other side. It does not make it easier but it sure helps knowing she is perfect and safe.

When Layne got home I knew he had been having a hard day to just by the sound of his voice. As he started talking to me he just talked about how much he missed her today. I told him about my day and we both just ached for her all over again. It is amazing how some days we just feel her and ache for her. I know when I let myself just be taken over by the spirit I lose myself and all control.

As we were driving over to the in-laws we drove by the cemetery and I just lost it again. The tears just fell as I wanted to have her with me all over again. I felt her presences today. I felt her and her desire to be with us as we went to get the Christmas Tree. Her presence filled my soul. And I have no doubt she was sitting in the pickup with us tonight. Both Layne and I could feel her there. I love feeling like Heaven is on Earth, in my home and most importantly part of my family.

I cannot think of a better way to begin the Holiday season then by feeling the spirit so strong in my home and in my heart. I pray we always remember the Savior's birth, celebrate him and never forget the blessings and promises he has given us...

Playing at the Park

2011-11-28T13:13:00.000-08:00

On Thanksgiving Mandy and Amanda needed to take the dogs for a ride and so all of us girls decided to go to the park and play for a little bit. The girls had a great time throwing the balls so the dogs could chase them. It was nice to take the girls and get them out of the hot, stuffy house.

This a series of photos I took of Ellie when she fell down. They make me laugh so very hard. She is quite the feisty, sassy little miss. But we sure do like her alot.

Ellie and Ava, Cousins and Friends!!!

Pictures for Char

2011-11-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

(Soon-2-be) Aunt Mandy Helped the girls make Fruit pizzas

2011-11-27T20:12:00.000-08:00

Ava and Ellie Playing Tangled

2011-11-27T19:39:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday we went to my Mom's for Thanksgiving. Ellie and Ava were so good and played so well together. Usually it's a fight all the time but for the most part they did really well.... Ava loves Ellie and is mesmerized by her which sometimes I don't necessarily think is a good thing... We sure love going up to visit. (The Reason why Flynn Ryder is Naked is because Ellie just informed me she was showing Ava Flynn's muscles... HAHAHA)

The Poser in her new jeans

2011-11-27T19:32:00.000-08:00

E: "Look Mom, doesn't my bum look cute?"
Mom: Uh where did you get that from?
E: Well, Erica and Amanda ask all the time.
Mom: (Trying not to laugh) Well they are big girl and your only 5.
E: You said I was a big girl when I'm 5.

OH MY!!!!! Let's just say I'm a little scared for those teenage years!

Happy 18th Birthday Erica

2011-11-27T19:24:00.002-08:00

11/19/2011

Little Ashton

2011-11-27T19:20:00.001-08:00

11/18/2011

Ellie and I have been lucky enough to watch this sweet little guy. He is the cutest little thing and never makes a peep. His Mama is pretty luckyk to have him. The first few times he came over, he sat on the stairs and rarely ever moved. The more times he came the more comfortable he got. By the end he was talking (as best he could) and playing with Ellie. We sure loved this little guy.

He LOVES his binky and blankie. I had to snap these pictures because he was so desperate for his blanky he found one that was hooked into the bag. He was stuck with the binkie so he just got comfy and layed right down.

Is he not the cutest thing ever?!

Happy Thanksgiving.

2011-11-23T22:21:00.000-08:00

I'd be lying if I said I was okay tonight. I don't know what to say other than, My heart is hurting. I know I have so many, many things to be thankful for but I have a HUGE whole in my heart that feels EXTRA big. Not only am I hurting for me but I hurt for Ellie and Layne. I cry because I know she is looking down on us not sitting here on my lap. I am sad because Layne misses running his hands through Jayci's hair and Ellie is in desperate need for a playmate. I am sad because I am not needed as much as I once was. I am mad because I took her for granted.
But in in the same breath I am Thankful for all that I have. I have a loving, compassionate husband. A very sassy, sweet 5 year old. I have my very own Angel in Heaven. I have an eternal family. I have an Amazing family both immidiate and distant. I am thankful for my church calling and the opportunity to serve others everyday. I am grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am grateful for Temples. I am grateful for school and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am SOOOO very blessed to have the best kind of friends. And I'm thankful for tears. For the ability to feel emotions and love someone unconditionally. I have been given much......

I recently recieved a letter from a friend with this poem and I LOVED it.

Be Thankful
Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and wearyBecause it means you’ve made a difference.It is easy to be thankful for the good things.A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who arealso thankful for the setbacks.GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.Find a way to be thankful for your troublesand they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

Are you Thankful?

It's True... Were headed to "The Happiest Place On Earth"

2011-11-21T10:13:00.000-08:00

Yes I am HAPPY, EXCITED to announce that this little Family along with the Darrington's are headed to DISNEYLAND! I don't know if you have ever experienced a feeling of pure joy watching your CHILD dream of the things she is going to see and do. I have never, ever seen her so excited about anything in her life other then when Jayci was born. The anticipation and waiting will be the end of her. Thank goodness it's only 6 weeks away and we'll be on our way. I am so excited I am kind of a small town girl who has NEVER really been out of the state of Idaho. So even the thought of a new adventure makes this girl super gitty. Not to mention it's the one thing that is going to get me through these holidays. I have a lot of hard days ahead of me and will take them one at a time, one minute at a time.

Do you ever sit back and wonder "Really,what now?"

2011-11-21T08:45:00.001-08:00

I never thought that I would be the one to sit down and say.... Really this too? Let's be honest, I have been very patient. I have been pretty understanding. I have taken every blow with stride. And have rolled with every punch. But now it's just funny. I am still doing everything I'm suppose to be doing besides our lunches out on Sunday but that comes with a whole other set of emotions. (Mainly that was our day to spend as a family. We played all day and always had a good meal. Frankly I just miss her, the good ole days and hate cooking because my baby should be there with me making a mess every step of the way.) I am enjoying being in the Relief Society Presidency. I love the sisters and let's just say I am thoroughly enjoying every lesson... (My new favorite thing to study... The Millennium after the 2nd Coming. I CANNOT wait!)I love to keep busy. I cannot be an idle person because if I were I'm pretty sure I'd be a wreck 24/7. Really, I'm just living everyday like every other Mom on the planet...

Except.

I am missing my Angel Baby Jayci more then ever.

AND

I am fighting a little bit of infertility.

I wasn't really going to post anything about it but it's actually quite funny.I have friends who have fought infertility and it's very serious. I cannot even imagine fighting to have a baby everyday and just can't. But, I know that this life is not my plan. It is the Lords plan and his plan is set forth for me but I really feel like I'm getting jipped right now. When trying to have both Ellie and Jayci it was easy. I mean I was pregnant within a month of trying for Ellie and 2 Months with Jayci. But this time it's all different. You know you have to have a cycle in order to even ovulate which then leads to getting pregnant. But I am not cycling. I have been off the pill for almost 4 months and have had one cycle right at the get go of "trying." After that one time I have taken a pregnancy test at least every two weeks and sometimes every week. I would take it and then think to myself "I know I'm not so why do you keep doing this to yourself."

Actually, the plan was to be 3 months by the time Braddy got home from his mission so we could surprise him with another niece or nephew. Since he only got to hold Our little Jayci a few times and left when she was only 2 weeks old. But he'll be home in one month and I still haven't actually had a cycle. AWESOME. Well 11 days ago I got so frustrated and went in to the doctor and he basically told me I'm getting old. Seriously I laughed and laughed... This is all becoming quite hilarious because I'm only 29 and really my reproduction system is and I quote "getting OLD." It all started with this amazing birth control called b-yaz. I LOVED it because I would maybe have a one day cycle. If you could even call that a cycle. Still it was one day. Then the last year of it I didn't have ANY. It was sooo sweet. I have loved not having one and yet not being pregnant because I have been a regular, heavy 28er since I was in the FIFTH GRADE... so a break was nice. Now I'm kinda regretting it because my body is thinking I'm done having kids and I don't need to do that monthly thing.

So to make a long story short Dr. J has put me on a estrogen pill to make me have a cycle. He was thinking it might take a week. to get it going and I'm here to say it's almost been 2 weeks and I still haven't.... But I'm just laughing about it because really what else is there... Get mad? That isn't really my style. Cry, well that is easy and I do it on a daily basis but not for this reason. Laugh yeah or else I would just be mad as hell....

Heavenly Father has a plan set for me and my family. I sometimes wonder if this is the calm before the storm. But how can it be a storm when I have gone through a Mothers worst nightmare. All I really desire now is to be a loving mother who cherishes EVERY SINGLE minute with my daughter here on this earth. Patiently waiting for the next spirits to come... If they even do. And if they don't the desire to have children in the next life is all up to me. I can have 12 (wink wink) if I want. But for now. I'm just going to hope that soon the cycle of life will start in me again and whom ever that child may be. I hope the older sister is up there teaching her everything she knows... Especially those things that make me say.... "The Beast is at it again......."

Blake and Maralee

2011-11-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

Blake is Layne's Cousin and one of his good friends. We are so excited for them and are looking forward to getting to know Maralee better. They asked me to snap a few pictures while I was there. It was a fun night and can I say it was the best fondant on a cake I've ever had! YUMMO! Congrats Guys!

Little Miss Dance Group

2011-11-21T08:35:00.000-08:00

11/15/2011
Ellie had her first ballet performance last week and did exceptional. She typically has every move memorized clear down to every facial expression... To say she has a little Sass is an understatement. We love our little dancer to the moon!

Ellie and Berkley

2011-11-21T08:18:00.000-08:00

Can you just say we LOVE this puppy. Actually this is Josh's 3rd English BullDog and we have adored everyone of them.
They don't come any cuter!

2011-11-14T21:22:00.000-08:00

Ellie loves horses. She especially loves them in the summer time when the Bott Girls come over and give her rides on their horse Brownie. She is absolutely mesmorized by them. Although I think she is alot like her mom when it comes to dealing with Large animals. We like to be in control and aren't real sure of LARGE animals for fear of what they might do. I prefer to deal with any sort of animal with both feet on the ground. There is one exception and that is if and only if, someone is holding them in one place while I am on them. While we were up checking out Kenna's new residing place, Ellie was pretty persistant to go outside and see the horses. She begged and begged until we could not take it for one more minute. To say she was in heaven was an underestatement. When she asks for things that I have no intention of EVER, EVER buying her, like a horse. Her Dad and I always tell her to go ask her grandpa. He comes back with why don't I just take you riding at Pam's. He always has an answer for what ever her needs are at that very moment. Gotta love a girl and her dreams of having a horse.

Ellie's Birthday Present from Aunt Kay-Kay

2011-11-13T22:51:00.000-08:00

Just in case you have noticed yet?! Ellie is SUPER spoiled. I am wondering what I am going to get the kid for Christmas that she didn't already get for her birthday.

ELLIE LOVES ICE CREAM! Just like her Daddy.
Ellie is also relentless when she wants something. So she bugged us over and over, every minute on the dot, to make ice cream with her. Me, being the smart Mom, made Kayla go and help her since she is the one that bought it for her. She loved it and everyone is happy!

Thanks for the Ice Cream Maker Aunt Kayla...

(p.s. I really did put all the laundry away that you have seen in the previous pictures. It only took me a week! But it is done!)

Never Leave Your Car Door Open Or Else......

2011-11-13T21:50:00.000-08:00

Tank will squeeze his way through the cracked back door, climb through the seats, and make his HUGE body comfy on my nice CLEAN seat! GRRRR... Layne thought it was pretty funny. I on the other hand was a little ANNOYED! I now have dog hair every where. He thinks he's HUMAN! (But really I did get a good laugh out of it because he looked so sad and ridiculous squished in my front seat.)

So many EXPRESSIONS!

2011-11-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

I have loved this camera because I can take pictures quick enough to catch all of Little Miss E's Faces! She is quite the entertainer! Not to mention she is just a slight DRAMA QUEEN! Thanks for the gift Ang. Ellie loved it and has carried it around with her in the house for days leaving a trail where ever she went!

She is the Light of my life!!!

2011-11-13T21:40:00.000-08:00

Man's Best Friend!

2011-11-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

This guy truly is Layne's Best friend. I love when Ellie and I drive in the driveway he lifts his head and just looks at us. When Layne drives in he is on a dead run to meet him at the road. I swear he can hear him coming a mile away. Every morning during the summer when Layne leaves for work I have to listen to him HOWL for at least an hour because he is so heart broken that he got left home. Thank goodness winter has finally come and Tank is pretty content staying home because it is dang cold riding in the back of the pick up. We sure love his slobbers and shakes.

This Mom's Got a new OBSESSION!

2011-11-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

All my friends have SLR cameras and I've wanted one FOREVER. ( I have to admit I'm always a little jealous whenever they pull them out..... (NOT ANY MORE.) For Christmas I was going to splurge and buy myself a SLR camera but would of rather bought a used one so I could learn how to use it before I spent the big bucks. I Love taking pictures and always have. When I was in high school I worked at a photo lab and develped pictures. I think my love began then but since I've started my blog it really has become just a hobby of taking LOTS AND LOTS of pictures. Thank goodness for that hobby because I now have Jayci's whole life in one very safe and happy place. RIGHT HERE on "the blog." Anyways one of our cousins was telling me that she couldn't get her SLR camera to work because it wouldn't focus. She said she hated it and just wanted a point and shoot! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!! Perfect opportunity to weasle my way, right in and buy a USED one. We negotiated a fair price and I am now the proud owner of a SLR camera. Not to mention, it's a NIKON and they are my favorite brand and the only kind I've ever used so it couldn't of been any better. Perfect match. We were destined to be together! (Can you tell I"M IN LOVE...) So this is me... the new and improved, VERY HAPPY girl behind the camera. It's given me something to focus on and keep this mind occupied!

P.S. Now I can spend my Christmas money on something else fantastic... DOUBLE WHAMY!!

2011-11-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

This by far is my new favorite picture. So cute!!!

Ellie singing Justin Beiber to me!!!

2011-11-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

Let's just say, she was into it! Gotta love that girl!

Roses from Dad

2011-11-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

Layne got home from work on Ellie's birthday and handed her a dozen roses. I was given her a hard time about getting roses from Dad and wouldn't you know it he pulled out another dozen for me. We are pretty lucky gals to have him in our lives. We love you Daddy (Darlin)!

Loves from Everybody at the Party

2011-11-05T18:59:00.000-07:00

(Besides Mom, Dad and Kenna)

Presents

2011-11-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

ELLIE LOVES JUSTIN BEIBER!!!! (Post to come)
and Strawberry Shortcake. So she got a LOT of both! She is so cute!

Birthday Cake

2011-11-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

Dinner/Bowling

2011-11-05T17:17:00.000-07:00

I decided to take Ellie to the bowling alley for her birthday because she has been asking to go bowling for quite a while and I just didn't want to clean the house and have everyone there. So a public place was the next best place. She had such a good time. She was excited about bowling in spurts. She would bowl then play and bowl some more. Thank goodness for all the friends and family that came to bowl with us. We all had a good time.

Happy 5th Birthday Ellie June

2011-11-05T16:54:00.000-07:00

November 3rd 2011

Believe it or not, my #1 is 5 years old. I am so lucky to have this little lady in my life. I do not know where I would be with out her and I seriously don't know if I would of ever made it through the last 6 months with out her by my side.
From day one Ellie has been my right hand man, side kick. Where ever I am she is 9 times out of 10 she is right there with me. EVEN when she is throwing the biggest fit. I love this little girl because she has SOOO much personality. She is a pretty good combo of her Dad and Mom.

Here are a few things I LOVE about my Ellie :
(in no particular order)
* She LOVES her family.
*She LOVES animals.
*She wears her heart on her sleeve and is very compassionate.
*She thinks ALL of her Aunts walk on water.
*She NEVER EVER EVER forgets anything.
*She loves her sister to the moon and back.
*You always know what type of day it is by the way she greets you in the morning.
*She is very smart.
*She loves being the boss.
*She has a love/hate relationship with one person in particular but I love watching her with her because even though she can't stand her. She worries and asks about her all the time.
*Like her Mama she tell you exactly how it is. ALL THE TIME.
*She has the most precious dimple that can melt your heart.
*She wants her Mom to put her to bed every single night. She is a little bit OCD about it.
*She is Genuine.
*She is the the light of our lives!!!

(Blowing out her birthday poptarts. She has the brightest smile I know!!)

Birthday Treats she is taking to pre-school

Ellie was rocking the crown for pre-school because she is the birthday girl!

Happy Halloween

2011-11-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

Trick-or-Treat

Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your golden hair!!!

2011-11-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

Last year during Halloween Ellie told me she is going to be Rapunzel next year! So I of course let it slip my mind. About 6 weeks ago I asked her what she wanted to be for Halloween so of course comes back with... "Mom, don't you remember I told you last year I'm going to be Rapunzel." The child that never forgets anything and always says what she is going to do. Good luck trying to change her mind. Well, she was Rapunzel and almost unrecognizable. Layne and I will never have blonde kids for obvious reasons but it give them a whole new look. She was so cute and had such a great time. A few family members didn't even recognize her. Thank goodness we were with her or they never would of believed it.

Trick or treating and Nana and Papa's house!

No words... She is just "Ellie"!!!

Have you ever seen a girl so excited about getting an apple?
She was so excited!

Pumpkin Patches...

2011-11-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

October 20, 2011

My little Ellie has really been clingy and needy lately. I know that she is feeling lost, heartbroken more now than ever before. This particular day was one of them. Her preschool class was headed to the pumpkin patch and Ellie insisted that she ride with me. I was planning on going anyways but she was pretty persistent that I go with her this year. We ended up taking two other little girls in the car with us and had a very quiet ride to and from. We had a good time Ellie loved the wagon ride and tossing the bean bags. She kept going in and out of the little haunted house that they had. She was trying to be brave but really isn't that good at it.

(Ellie's Cute little Pre-School Class)

Later that afternoon I needed to pick up some crafts from my friend Kristi in Paul so we went to the usual pumpkin patch that we have been to the last few years. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive about going because of missing my little girl but through shedding a few tears and picking out a white pumpkin for Jayci (Because she is an angel Mom... according to Ellie) we made it through. I have realized that through these hard times that time goes on. Whether we like it or not it happens. We can't stop it. We cannot procrastinate it. We cannot postpone it. Time still moves on. So lately I've put on my "big girl panty's" and pushed forward. I may not make it through everyday with out a breakdown but I am learning to roll with the punches. I have learned that grieving is a way of celebrating the ones that have gone on before us. It's a way of celebrating who they are. So that is what I have been doing. Missing my little girl and crying for what I am missing out on... But I know that time is healing.

Ellie's Halloween Costume

2011-10-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

Ellie has been asking to be Rapunzel since last years Halloween. My child never forgets and when she decides something that is what she is going to do. Thank to Grandma Lillian for making Ellie's costume. I think it's beautiful and can't wait to see it all put together!

Ellie's favorite thing to say is "My wig even goes past my BUTT!"

Shopping with Grandma

2011-10-24T13:16:00.000-07:00

My Mom called and said she was headed to Boise for the weekend so Ellie and I decided to make a mad dash and spend the day with her and do a little shopping. I loved spending the day with her and just visiting. I got super sick with a migraine but it all worked out. Mom bought Ellie her presents and spoiled her rotten! Thanks for the night out Mom. I love you so much!

Harvest

2011-10-24T13:15:00.000-07:00

I love this picture of Ellie and Layne... But it just feels like someone is MISSING! I sure hope by this time next year... It won't look one sided.... I pray in time we'll be blessed with another bundle of joy! But until then, I'm enjoying my family just the way it is!

On Friday I told Kenna that I'd watch Kendrie for her while she took her kids to the pumpkin patch for school! But I have to admit that my nerves probably weren't the best to watch her at the house screaming with Ellie all afternoon (We all know they have a very serious LOVE/HATE relationship) So I packed them up and took Layne out some lunch. I needed to get potatoes for my Mom so it was a perfect afternoon to go! The girls ran and ran and played and got dirty. They threw dirt at each other, climbed all over the equipment and rode in the back of Layne's pickup. It was a perfect outing.

A few quotes from the day that made me laugh...

Kendrie as soon as she got in the tractor to ride with Layne... "MY BORVER LOVES TRACTOOOS."

Ellie and Kendrie sang "I Love aaa aaa aaa apples and banana's..." I seriously cried I was laughing so hard. They were singing it in all sorts of different tones over and over. HILARIOUS.

Our conversation on the way home. Kendrie "where we goin?" I told her were going to take her to her Mom at the lot because I have to go to the game. She said "No I want to stay with you forever." Ellie pipes in with, "why all she does is make you clean."

Don't think for 2 seconds that my husband was not in heaven! He loved being loved on by these two cute girls!!!

Forever and Always!

2011-10-23T20:41:00.001-07:00

Dear Jayci,

Six months. I never thought I would be sitting here at 9:30 at night discussing what you'd be like right now with your Dad. what we are missing about you. Sharing our favorite things about you. Wondering what you would be like today? Would you be talking or would you be a smart-alic like your Dad.

The Questions could go on for hours, but what I'd really like to know is if your happy in Heaven? Do you know that we pray for you and love you more with each passing minute? Do you know your sister misses you like crazy? Are you giving Heavenly Father a run for his money? Does Marcine still say "Oh my Garsh!" If not you aren't being obnoxious enough for her...

Dad and I were just talking about the last 3-4 months that you were alive you would always hold your bottle in one hand and wave at us with the other when ever we put you down for bed whether it was for a nap or bed time it never failed. I can picture you doing it right now. With those big, beautiful brown eyes smiling up at me. We were talking about after bath time when you would raise your arms above your head and run naked like a wild woman with your sister. Just so you know Ellie still does it. It brings a smile to my face every time because I always think of you two doing it together. Dad was laughing about how you would say "KIIII" for kitty and how you would moo at everything.

A week ago we helped Ellie hang the window Halloween clings around your hand prints because I can't stand the thought of cleaning them off. I laughed about your cute little bum climbing the wooden stool to see your Dad out the window. You pounded on it as hard as you could and yelled for his attention. I'll never forget your "Yell" when you wanted something. This weekend I went shopping with Grandma in Boise and the tears just fell as I looked at the the fun things I could of bought you for Christmas and your birthday! Speaking of birthday. I'm hoping to have your headstone up for your Birthday. We are working on and pray that it gets finished. It's the last physical thing I can do just for you on this earth. It's going to be beautiful.

Jayci, I just hope you know how much I have grown as a person. I am more aware of what I want out of life now more than ever before. You have made me see the importance of service and love towards others. I pray that you continue watching out for us and the rest of your family. Especially your big sister. She misses you more than anyone will ever know and probably more than she knows.

You have touched the lives of so many and will always be apart of us. You are ONE IN A MILLION!!!!

I love you forever and always.
Mom

Our Angel Baby "Jayci Lillian"

2011-10-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

One of my dearest friends Kenna has been working on this sweet little sketch for me. It is the final draft of the picture we are putting on Jayci's Headstone. Posting this picture is very bitter sweet. It is one of the very last things I am able to give my baby girl. I am able to give her a headstone that tells her story for years to come. What it looks like will be a surprise but I wanted to share this beautiful picture of her. I cannot thank Kenna enough for all the time she has devoted to making it just right.

A poem given to me from a dear friend who also has an angel baby waiting for her.

I am a Child of God
And though I am with him today,
Remember family
I'll be with you through all eternity.
Thank you for
leading me,
guiding me,
walking beside me,
Loving me through my short stay,
Teaching me all that I had to do
To be with him today.

I love that and read it often. It sure doesn't make life any easier but truly is a reminder that I always need to be doing my part to be with them someday!

What I've learned in 6 months....

2011-10-17T18:33:00.001-07:00

1. Who the H$!@ cares...
2. Love one another.
3. Serve others.
4. Share your testimony when ever you can. You never know who is truly listening.
5. I have an eternal family.
6. Angels are among us.
7. I have the most AMAZING FRIENDS ON THE PLANET!!!
8. I am stronger than I think.
9. Practice what you preach.
10. Be Christ like.
11. Attitude is Gratitude.
12. Pray with Faith.
13. Family and individual prayer keeps the spirit in your home.
14. CHERISH EVERY MOMENT!
15. I am not a perfect Mom and never will be. But I work on it everyday!
16. PATIENCE!!!!!!
17. A phone call goes a long ways!
18. Making Christ part of your Marriage makes it stronger!
19. Count your blessings.
20. Be Thankful!
21. This life is meant to make memories.
22. Blogging (Keeping a Journal.) has made it possible that I will always remember every single memory I have with my little Jayci.
23. My husband loves me and my girls above all else.
24. Idle hands bring on my worst days.
25. I am a cherished DAUGHTER OF GOD.... He knows me. He loves me. He knows what is best for me. He knows my aches and pains. He has felt my broken heart. He answers my prayers on HIS time. He comforts me when I need comfort. He has given me the strength to overcome every mothers worst fear. He gives me strength to go on day in and day out. One foot in front of the other. One minute at a time.

Just to name a few!

Primary Program 2011

2011-10-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

(A quick photo shoot before church)

When did she become my little lady and not my baby anymore?!

Today was Ellie's primary program. My little Ellie is really struggling in primary right now. She hates going to class and will not do anything unless she wants to. I feel as though she is really struggling with her teacher and doesn't want to go to her class. If you know my Ellie you'd know she loves primary and I would say lately she is my one that is struggling. She is lashing out in anger and really has me worried. I know that she is trying to figure things out and it kills me because I don't know what to do. We are going to go to counseling and pray that it helps her talk things through.

I do have to say that she is a little OCD when it comes to worrying and making sure things are perfect. She has been saying her part and has had it memorized for 3 weeks now. She says it all the time. It's actually kinda cute how she wants peoples approval. She is at a stage in life where she worries what others think. (Not kids, adults.) And wants to always have mine and Layne's approval. To the point that she wanted makeup on her owiee on her face so it didn't stand out. (I KNOW I"M IN TROUBLE.) With all that aside she did amazing and smiled so pretty for her Mom, Dad, and Family. (except when she was elbowing her friend Rigdon and making faces.)

Her part: The scripture teach of Heavenly Father's Plan.

Watching Ellie was a little bitter sweet for Layne and I. Mainly because we should of been fighting off a 22 month old little girl trying to get to her sister. I felt a little lost watching her today. Wondering how I got where I am today?! I wonder if I will ever know "WHY"?

Therapy!

2011-10-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

A week ago Saturday Layne and (my sister's boyfriend) Matt went to the dunes with Jordan. I have been patiently waiting for my sweet husband to go riding. It has always been his "therapy." I can always tell when ever things don't go Layne's way or he is having a rough week or bad day. As soon as he gets home from work he gets on his motorcycle. Since Brad left on his mission they have been few and far between. And even WORSE since Jayci's accident. It felt like so many things were going wrong that he didn't even have the desire to go for a ride. I was SOOO HAPPY when he went last week. He was a new guy when he got home. I was so happy for him to finally get out and go. When Braddy gets home in December I know there will be a lot more riding trips and I'm looking forward to them for him. We all need a little therapy once in awhile. I just always pray he is safe when he goes.

Have you ever seen a Princess Ghost?

2011-10-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

2011-10-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

This picture was given to me by a good friend of mine after Jayci passed away. She saw this picture when she had miscarried her first baby and was reminded of it again after Jayci had passed. She talked about the pictures resemblance to Jayci. She talked about Christ and the ache on his face. I love this picture because of this very reason. I see it as him holding her and crying for us as he knows what we feel. It's comforting to know that she is perfect and with our Father in Heaven but aches just the same. I hope someday........... I will feel peace and not so much ache.

Wrestling With Daddy

2011-10-07T18:13:00.000-07:00

Just missing one little Girl! She loved to wreste with her Daddy! Little miss Jayci would laugh and laugh and squeal and scream wrestling with her Dad! I'd say it probably was one of his favorite things to do wrestle with both his girls!

Mom's Big Helper.... Hired House Cleaner!

2011-10-04T18:26:00.000-07:00

I do not know how working Mom's do it. How they can cook, clean, keep the house in order and run their kids. It's a hard task to get it all done. So I have bribed Ellie into helping me. I have had a chore chart set up since the beginning of the summer. If she did something with out throwing a fit or by just being nice she could get a sticker. When it is full she gets the Rapunzel Wii game. I forget about it and it's only been filled up about half way. So I have gotten really desperate and told her she could have a sticker for every chore she has helped me with. She is down to only getting 4 more stars but her help has been completely worth it.

While she was helping me mop tonight she asked if this is what chores are like. And of course I said yep and told her that these are the things that she has to help me with all the time once she starts kindergarten because that is what big girls do. Oh the look on her face was priceless!

A Napping House, A Tired House. Where everyone is sleeping.

2011-10-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday I didn't have to work all do say I went and rode with Layne in the Digger. (I haven't got to do that since harvest started because I'm also working harvest. I really enjoyed it.) After a while I went and picked up Ellie from the Osterhout's and took her to town for a "girls day." We went to Dolphin Tale (Excellent Movie), Wendy's, Kiwi Loco, and then grocery shopping at Walmart. When we got home Layne was home waiting for us. Around 8:30 pmish we heard what sounded like a truck blowing a tire. Not even 3 minutes later we heard the most awful crushing sound and then a boom. The whole accident lasted a total of 3 seconds. I flew out the door and saw flames flying out the truck which in turn hit the house across the street. It was awful. I called 911 and Layne ran over there to see what he could do to help. To make a long story short it was an AWFUL accident that ended up taking two peoples lives. They were out cleaning up till after mid-night and back at it at 6ish the next morning. Let's just say I did not sleep. I was sick. I was up all night worrying about the family because I know exactly how they are feeling. The fact that there lives will never be the same. The regrets. The worry. And the sorrow. I still feel so awful for them just thinking about it. I know our stories are very different but it doesn't mean the ache is any less.
Around 11:30 Layne came in the house and suggested we have a prayer because I had a very sleepy little girl who could not go to sleep because she was so upset from the accident and running out and seeing the fire and the lady crying out in pain. (which she wasn't hurt she was just in shock.) When we knelled down to say our prayer I told Ellie she could stay on the couch but lay her head down. When Layne was finished with the prayer we sat up and looked at Ellie. The kid had fallen sound asleep and didn't even move a muscle. It was so cute. I got a really good laugh and wanted to take a picture but didn't want to wake her.
So to say the least after working over 14 hours 6 days in a row, plus needing to work at 6 in the am the next day, my hubby was tired.

These pictures are of Layne and Ellie taking a rest Sunday afternoon! Layne is one of those guys that can fall asleep anywhere and be out. Ellie is one of those kids that hasn't napped since she was 1 1/2 years old. So for her to lay her self down for a "rest" (heaven knows she won't fall asleep) you know I have a tired family. But for this Mom, I couldn't rest I had alot on my mind and even more laundry to do since I worked all week!

And just for good measure Kenna found this picture in her files of pictures and sent this picture to me of my sleeping angel Jayci. She was about 4 1/2 months old in this picture and miraculously took a nap for Kenna while she was watching her. I know when this picture was taken I'm sure Kenna threatened the other kids with their lives to not wake her because she was kind of a pain unless she was around her Mom. Pretty sweet if I do say so myself. I love this picture because it captures all of my favorite features of her. Her lips, crooked jaw, hair and those long eye lashes. Not to mention she sleeps just like her Daddy! We sure miss that little stink. She is heavy on our hearts these days as her birthday is approaching. I still don't know how I am ever going to make it through that day!

Homecoming 2011

2011-09-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

Since I worked at three o'clock in the morning on homecoming I didn't make as big of deal about it as I usually do. In fact I took my camera to take pictures and left the memory card at home. Thank goodness Kenna had her camera and took a picture of Ellie for me or else I would not of had a picture to document the year. Kenna also had her for the day so she got her ready for me and took her to meet up with the parade group. (Kenna has four kids of her own so to get all of this done is amazing to me. She is truly an amazing Mom and friend!) After the parade we went to the tailgate party and than to the game until half time. We than went home and got ready for bed. Since I worked at three the next morning Teresa came and got her and took her home for a sleep over. (Thanks Teresa for also helping me out SOOO much)

This year during homecoming I have had so many emotions running through me. First off Erica is a senior this year and I am still in shock that she is going to graduate and this is her last homecoming ever. It seems so weird to me that the little 12 year old girl that I met 6 years ago is now going to be a woman on her own soon. She has grown up to be such an amazing person and I look forward to watch as she goes into the next chapter of her life and see what she will do.. Not to mention get married in the next 5 years and give me some nieces and nephews... (Kelly and Brad I sure hope you have pulled through before that happens)

And Amanda is a freshman, she was once upon a time ago 9 years old and was so cute and little and now is taller than me. Not to mention becoming such a beautiful girl! Pretty soon it's going to be just her and her parents at the house and she is going to give them a good run for their money!!! NOT TO MENTION SHE HAS HER LICENSE. WATCH OUT WORLD! (just kidding she is a very good driver.)

And last night Layne and I were just talking about Jayci last year and how she was so excited to see her Daddy at the parade. He was working such long hours during harvest last year that he left before she got up and was home after she went to bed. She would not let anyone take her away from her Daddy and was in smiles the whole night. I know for him that was a moment he will never forget. A moment that he felt the unconditional love she had for her Daddy! Ever since she was a teeny tiny baby her Daddy was number one above anyone else in her book. (Except she did say Mama first.... just to keep me happy.)

I cannot believe how much my little Ellie has grown up in one year. She is still the sweet and EXTREMELY SASSY little girl she always has been! I'm pretty lucky to have two beautiful little girls no matter where they are at this very moment!

Potato Harvest (Alone in a cold,dark cellar.)

2011-09-25T15:47:00.000-07:00

This is what I do all day everyday! I have really enjoyed it and will continue to enjoy it for the next 4-5 weeks! Even though I feel so guilty leaving Ellie for 12 hours on end with multiple people... (Thank you Teresa and Kenna) I have had a lot of reflection time. Some good and some not so good. Times when I am bawling so hard I can't even see and times I am laughing at all the memories we have had as a family with our little Jayci baby. I am so thankful for all the time I have spent blogging and writing down every good and bad thing that we have been through. I know I am not over the worst. I am still human and ache everyday but I'm having alot more better days then bad. I have had lots of alone time just talking with my Father in Heaven. Discussing with him the past and the future of my life. I know he is always with me and knows what is best for me and my family. Obviously, I know it is always going to be his plan and I have to be patient with that. It doesn't always mean that I have to like it but will do my best. I am thankful to know that the vail is close and that my daughter is in a perfect place. I love the fact that I don't have to worry about her anymore... She is perfect.....sitting on the right hand side of the Lord doing his work. I know that she is keeping herself busy until we can be with her again!

I am Thankful!!!

2011-09-22T18:53:00.001-07:00

(This is a pillow I received in the mail today and the note said it was for us to have something to hold onto when we are missing her! I LOVE IT! It couldn't of come on a better day! )

Today started off as a good day. Since I have been working since 2 & 3 the past few mornings I was SOOO ready to sleep. Mark told me to stay home till I got Ellie ready where she needed to go so I went to bed last night at 8 and got up at 7:30 this morning. I didn't know why I felt so emotional why I kept tearing up while working. I soon looked down at my phone and realized what day it was. Five months have come and gone! I then realized it was my baby girl. She was with me and holding me up on what could of been a hard day. I love feeling her close and know that she is close to me.

I am so thankful for family and friends that are always thinking of us. I always feel guilty talking about Jayci but have realized that she is never forgotten. Some just don't know what to say and don't know how to bring her up but are always letting us know that they are thinking of us. I am so thankful for the texts, letters, and random gifts that we get. I appreciate the phone calls and random treats that are brought over. I love that my friends are constantly asking me how I am doing. I love that they care enough about my baby that they are comfortable about talking about her to us.

Mainly I am just thankful today. And I know that my baby girl knows how much she is loved and missed. I know she is always with us and never let's us forget her!!!

She's on my MIND!

2011-09-17T18:02:00.000-07:00

I've got this little baby girl on the brain. As 5 months are approaching I can't help but smile and cry. Laugh out loud and yell out in anger. Mostly I miss kissing this chubby, beautiful little face!!!

I'm so glad that Ellie talks about her on a daily basis. With her around no one will ever forget that she has a baby sister named Jayci and did you know she likes to pull her hair and play in the toilet!!! :)

Time for Me!

2011-09-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is good or bad or even worth it but I am taking some time for me. I started working today and so far it's been pretty easy. I am running the potato piler for Mark, Kevin, and Brandt. I was thinking it would be a good time with my husband but I doubt I'll get to see him very much in fact probably less than any other harvest. I will be in a cold dark cellar enjoying endless hours of no brainer books and music.

The one thing I am not looking forward to is leaving Ellie everyday. I am going to be leaving her with a few different people and it will be a miracle if I keep our schedules straight. When and where she will be. I know where ever she is she will be loved and watched like a hawk. Even though I cherish her more now than ever before this Mom still needs time to herself.

So for the next few weeks... I'll be absent but keeping notes of thoughts that come to mind so I can remember the things that matter most.

What will I do with so much TIME???

Girls Night in Utah

2011-09-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

We have been planning on going to Mary Poppins since May. Ellie and I have been looking forward to this for a long time. We went and ate at Tucano's. It was DELICIOUS!!! Ellie's favorite meat was chicken heart. Weird I know but she loved it and ate 2-3 helpings of it.

We then went to Mary Poppins. The previous day we borrowed Teresa's copy and watched it so Ellie knew what she was getting into. We talked alot about the MAGIC of Mary Poppin's bag and I was so thankful that they really made emphasis of it during the play by pulling out mirrors and plants. She was absolutely amazed by the magic. When part one of the play was over it was around 9:30pm. Ellie was D*O*N*E by ways of throwing herself on the floor and throwing the biggest fit I have seen in along time. Thank goodness for Jenna and brightening her spirits a little bit. By the time we got back to the hotel it was midnight and I had one exhausted girl. When we got home she talked non-stop to her dad about how Mary Poppins FLEW over Becca. It is a memory we will cherish forever!

Ballet is back and I have a SUPER Happy girl!

2011-09-11T18:05:00.000-07:00

First Day of Pre-School

2011-09-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

I love that we get to go to Kara-Alot-Preschool. Kara and I have become very good friends over the last year because of the things that we have been thru. A few months before I lost Jayci she lost her baby boy at around 26 weeks. I love visiting with Kara and enjoying our visits. I know now that it doesn't matter how you lose a baby/child the pain is still the same. She is so sweet and very good to my little Ellie. Thank goodness that people come into your lives at certain times because sometimes you wouldn't know what to do with out them.

Annual Wienie Roast with the Harris's

2011-09-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday Rigdon was harassing Layne and I about having a wienie roast because his Mommy had a lot left over hotdogs from his birthday party and since we haven't done a wienie roast he figured it was time. So I asked Kenna if they wanted to come over and have a wienie roast. She was more than happy to bring the kids over and have FHE at our house. After the kids were done roasting hotdogs they decided it would be okay to go and play in our dirt pile with the water running. So you can only imagine what happens when kids are playing in a dirt pile with water..... Well see for yourself... They were so proud of themselves until it was time to wash them off with the hose... which led to Ellie going in the house and stripping all her cloths off then coming back outside thinking it was okay to be outside with no cloths on. Not gonna lie, it was a little awkward for her little buddy Rigdon!

I thought I'd be okay!

2011-09-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was taking Ellie into pre-school I told myself everything was going to be okay. She was so happy to wake up this morning and have school and ballet. She actually got up an hour early and was out of control. She was so happy. So when I dropped her off I told myself I could do it. I could go home and be alone. But the worst part is. I can't.....

This is typically the only time that Jayci and I had alone time. I would spend these two hours entertaining her. As soon as I walked up the stairs at Kara's house I started to lose it. I got in the car and had to drive and the one place I ended up was the cemetery. I had to go be with her. it's typically our time alone so I just needed that moment alone with her today. It has been the first time that I have actually had that dry heaving puke feeling since the morning we found her. I remember that feeling so well and I can't make it go away this morning. I know she is near. I think she had to be close today because she knew it would be awful. I truly had no intentions on feeling like this. I had been preparing a little at a time to be alone while Ellie was at school but I had no idea it was going to be like this. Is REALITY really hitting me. I know it is just for this time on earth but for me that feels like FOREVER. I want to hold her and watch her grow. All I have are my memories and thank goodness for them. I hope with time I will be able to deal with this better but today it's not working. I know I have to go forward but today I don't want too....

I do have to say that I am so very proud of Ellie. As I went in with her this morning she was not shy and was ready to tell everyone how it is. I know she needs to do this and be a big girl but it's not easy for Mom to watch one get bigger all the while wondering how big the baby sister would be and if she would be talking non-stop or not. If her favorite word would be "no" just like her big sister. I miss every moment of every day not having her right here with me. Were suppose to all be here together.

Heglar Canyon

2011-09-05T20:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went up to visit the Darrington's while they were camping. We went up after church and had a super yummy dinner. It was a fabulous afternoon in the woods. I think our dog Tank had the best time. Did you know there is more trees out there than he can mark? He was in tree Heaven. G & G came up for the night so it was also good to stay and visit with them. Ellie had a fabulous time riding the prowler and taking "lessons" from Grandpa. She occasionally reminds me that in a few more "lessons" she'll be able to drive my car. YOU BET!

Funny story. On the way home we were visiting with Lani and saw something in the road Layne drove passed till he realized it was a snake. (He is deathly scared of snakes and if Lani wasn't with us he probably would of cried like a baby. But he was tough) He slammed on the breaks and ran over it back and forth, back and forth. Then he pulled to the side of it so I could see it cause I kinda like them. Well, it ended up being a rattle snake. SERIOUSLY freaked my sweet husband out. I wanted to take a picture of it so he pulled back and shined the lights on it. I got out and started throwing rocks at it and it started moving and coming alive again. Maybe they have nine lives who knows. Anyway Layne was let's just say screaming at me like a GIRL! I was laughing so hard because as you can tell it wasn't going to come and get me it was kinda smooshed but you would of thought it was going to kill me the way Layne was trying to pull me out of "harms" way. After I threw the last rock at it he hissed at me and then I was done. So Layne ran back to the pickup and ran over it again. Back and forth, back and forth.
SO FUNNY! In the meantime Ellie is still in the pickup FREAKING out and drawing the snake on my phone. The picture is of her and her SERIOUS face drawing the scary snake. Let's just say I laughed on the inside the whole way home. It did get kinda freaky but you would think my manly man of a husband could handle it but HE JUST DOES NOT DO SNAKES. If truth be told his Dad is even worse then him. It must be a genetic thing. But I love those Darrington men!

Is this not the sweetest thing you've ever seen?

2011-09-05T20:26:00.000-07:00

Memories Remembered

2011-09-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

These are a few things I wanted to remember about my Jacyi baby that have not ever been written down.

1. Since Jayci was 2 months old we always were fighting her breathing. She either made way more boogers than necessary or had a very small sinus canal. Either way it was always a big fight. I couldn't keep her nose cleaned out with a regular booger sucker and she seemed to always get nasal infections. So her doctor prescribed her an industrial booger sucker that worked wonders. It never ceased to amaze me the STUFF that would come out of that babies nose. It seemed to work wonders so I just kept it on hand. When the prescription would run out I would call the doctor and he would prescribe it again and again. I do have to say that I had this machine clear up until a few days after she passed away. Why remember this now: Well I was just in Ellie's room a few minutes ago and found the tube that went into Jayci's nose. You are not allowed to take those back and they always give you a new one each time you renew your prescription. This is just something that I never thought of importance it is just what we did on a daily basis and I never thought to write it down. I never knew a tube to a booger sucker could set me off. Or make me miss her so much. I still sometimes forget how much I ache until I really let it sink in. The thought still comes to my mind: Why her? Why Us? Why Ellie? It is not fair, in fact I hate it most days. Especially when I'm forced to put things away that should never have this kind of impact on me.

2. Driving up to Hagler Canyon Yesterday. As we were driving up to go visit the In-laws camping yesterday Layne reminded me the last time we were there he had to take Jayci home because she cried and cried and cried and wouldn't go to sleep. When they finally got home he layed her in her crib and gave her a bottle still wouldn't go to sleep and puked everywhere. By that time I'm sure it was three or four oclock and he was exhausted. After she threw up she fell right to sleep got up 3 hours later happy as a clam and they drove back up to camp. They got there the same time Ellie and I were getting up for the day.

(This is a picture of Jayci from that very camping trip!)

I'm sure at the time Layne was really annoyed and just wanted to scream but as he was thinking back to that day. Layne said he would do it over and over and over again. He misses her more than any of us and I ache for him. He is always trying to put Ellie and I first but I know deep down he is broken. Sometimes he let's me in and sometimes he doesn't but I know that is his way of dealing. Sometimes it's best that I don't really know the ache of his heart because I would hurt but I do know the emptyness he feels because we all do. Our life has changed so much because of that little girl and I pray that my husband will find peace someday. I hope Jayci is preparing our next little ones to be like her so we can catch just a glimpse of what she would of been. But mostly I pray that she is teaching them everything they need to know to melt their daddies heart, get under his skin and make him happy. But most importantly love their Daddy as much as she did.

Do you have Angels in Your Home?

2011-09-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

(If any of you know my little Ellie you would know this is completely out of character for her. )

I found a few mischievous things done in my bathroom tonight:

1. A bouncy ball shoved down my drain with the plug back over the top so it "looked" like nothing was wrong.
(I go to wash my face and it wouldn't drain. So I looked closely and notice the drain is half-way sticking out. That's weird! I take the drain all the way out and notice a bouncy ball fit perfectly in the hole completely blocking off the drain. )
2. I go to use the bath room and find the toilet paper soaking wet.
(As I go to grab the toilet paper I find the spray bottle stabbed into the toilet paper completely empty... Hmmmmm then I remembered I filled it yesterday before we left to Twin. She had emptied the bottle of water into a brand new roll of toilet paper. AWESOME! )

I know this doesn't sound like much but these are things that she would NEVER do. She hates to get into trouble (unless she is arguing with me and that is a whole other story.) She hardly ever does anything out of the ordinary. So as I was telling Layne about this I said to him, "I wonder who has been prompting her to do these little things." (We both got a good laugh.)

Jayci,
Remember when I said please be your sisters angel. I didn't mean: Jayci, put ideas in Ellie's head to make her do subtle things to get under my skin like you used to do... Come to think of it, that is exactly what I need! I guess that one back fired didn't it?!
Love you!
Mom

A GREAT WEEKEND

2011-09-03T17:47:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I talked to Layne and he suggested that we should go to Jackpot and eat the sea food buffet and maybe make an all nighter out of it. So I called Teresa and she was more than happy to take Ellie for the night so around 6 Layne and I headed out of town. I love that he wants to spend quality time with me especially since harvest is about to kick into full swing. We had a great time EATING... I am in love with food right now. I always tell everyone I don't care about my weight anymore because eventually I'm just going to get pregnant and fat anyway. But I will have to admit I out ate Layne last night. Espeically CRAB!!!! IT WAS A GOOD ONE! I have never ever done that but it was soooo good!

After we ate we decided to go back to Twin and ended up at the brand new La Quinta. I loved it. It had a very comfy country feel to it. After we got up around 8:30 a.m. we ran a few errands and came home.

And now we are sitting down watching the opening game of the season for the Boise State Broncos. I LOVE to watch them play it's probably the only team I can actually get Layne to watch every game with me. If it weren't for my love of football he'd probably care less. But it's something I love to do almost every weekend and thanks to a few friends of our we are going to go to TWO (count em) TWO home games... I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!

I just have to say that I love my husband. He has been so amazing. I know that we are both struggling right now but he seems to always make sure I am always at the top of his list. If he ever senses that I am having a rough day he comes home for lunch and lets me talk about it. The other day was really bad and he MADE me leave the house. As he was leaving he said I'll call you in 45 minutes you better be gone. So I got to go spend the afternoon with my friends and have a GREAT visit.

I am so thankful for the comforting spirit that I feel in my home and everyday happenings. I am grateful for the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven. I go to him OFTEN thanking him for an eternal marriage that unites my family FOREVER.

Tonight is one of those nights....

2011-08-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Tonight I can't get my Jayci baby out of my head. For some reason I just keep thinking back to that day and night. Replaying it over and over in my head. From the moment we woke up waving bye bye to daddy at the back window to that night when I had to tell my sweet little Ellie that her sister had gone up to live with our Father in Heaven. I can't believe how in a short time of one going to throw her diaper away that my life would be drastically changed forever.

I have waves of emotion that run through me all the time. I can sit, think about her and smile. But in at least one moment of everyday I think about her and it tears my heart out. I honestly haven't taken the time since the accident to really contemplate the loss of my Daughter. I know that I have lost her and will only get to hold her again in Heaven. But every time I take 5 minutes to sit down and think about her I lose all control. I know I have done it to protect myself and Ellie. I am being strong and doing the best I know how for her. I know one day it will all come to a head and I will have to but for now I take my quite moments alone and weep over my baby girl.

Everyday I take the time to count my blessings and appreciate all the tender mercies I have seen on my family's behalf. I am so grateful for my membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. I am so thankful for the knowledge that I can live and be with Jayci again. I know that Families are Forever and because of her I only see my future and that is doing the best I can to live with her, my sweet husband, children and my Father in Heaven again. I am so grateful for the missionary that my sweet Jayci is to me and all that knew her. I know that my Father in Heaven hears and answers prayers. I know he has felt every heartache that I have and knows what I am going through and will continue to do all that he can to help me heal and take care of my family. I know that my plan is no longer mine but his. I know that through him I will have strength to conquer my struggles everyday. I know it's not always going to be easy but in the end I know it will be worth it.

Jayci,
Your Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. Please continue being our Angel in Heaven, always watching over us and reminding us what we need to be doing to be with you again! Always be with your sister. Keep her on the straight and narrow. Always be there for her in all her times of need. I love you Sis! Your Always on my mind and Forever in my Heart!
Mom