Exactly One Year ago....

( the girls fighting over the bath water as usual.)

Exactly one year ago today I was getting the girls ready to go on a over nighter as a family where we went grocery shopping and stayed at a hotel to take the girls swimming. It's so hard to imagine that this was my life and now I am missing half of it. I ache for her today. Especially on the 22nd of every month, the anniversary of her passing. Today it has been 10 months. I cannot believe that time passes so quickly especially when I can remember memories like these as plain as day.

With a new baby coming it has brought on a whole new realm of heart ache for Layne and I.

We worry about Ellie and how she is getting so big and grown up. She will be in kindergarten before I know it. She has been so excited to be a big sister again. I fear that the memories of Jayci will become faint and she'll forget many things about her sister. I know she is only a child and eventually it will happen but for us as parents it only becomes more real. She still talks about Jayci just as if she was here but I know soon it will eventually become less and less and that tears my heart to pieces. I want to keep her memory alive as long as I can. The other night Ellie was upset and said Mom I don't remember some things that Jayci and I did together. So I pulled out my blog books and we read and laughed and she would say things like "I miss her" and "I remember doing that". I am so grateful that I kept our lives written down in blog form. (Although I have been REALLY lacking in it lately... I know the importance of it.)

I miss our Jayci baby a little more everyday. It seems like the longer it has been the harder it is for both Layne and I. We wonder the what if's and picture her in every situation that we are in. How she would be or what she would be doing. We also get to laugh about her and imagine what she would be like. Always adding a little spark to our lives. I realized last night that with all the complaining I did about the things that Jayci did. I'll still complain but maybe laugh about it more with our future kids. She has taught me to appreciate all that I have. And all that I have is my husband and my kids. They are the most important.

I also am worried about this little baby growing in my belly. With losing Jayci I have stopped planning for the future. I seem to be able to plan a month in advance anything beyond that has no meaning because obviously it isn't our plan it's Heavenly Fathers plan. And it can change in an instant. But My fear for this child is that something is going to happen. I can't even imagine it but I don't know if I could deal with the devastation that it will bring to Ellie. She has already been through more then most adults but I can't even imagine telling her that something has happened to this baby.... Every night I pray that all will be well and this baby will be healthy.

Fear and Grief are still a big part of our family. We may be moving forward but never moving on. Our hearts are still broken and we struggle a little bit everyday but time is healing and I do see a bright future. I get to be with my family forever and get to raise Jayci from the moment she left off. Those are bright spots on dreary days. Be grateful for all that you have and never take moments for granted.

A new year, a much bigger look!

Ellie is beyond excited. If you see her whether she knows you or not she is going to let you know she is going to be a big sister. She is going to be this Mommy's biggest helper. She is already planning on changing the babies diaper and feeding it while I do dishes. She is already head over heals for this little one in my belly... But when we told her the one thing she had to say was
"I'd been wondering why your belly is getting so fat...."
Trust me it was hilarious Layne was practically bawling he was laughing so hard!
Gotta love a VERY HONEST 5 year old.

We are bound and determined to make 2012 a brighter and happier year!!!

Jayci's Last Haircut

I have to say I just barely pulled out my old phone and pulled all the pictures off of it. It about tore my heart out checking out all the pictures I have of my little Jayci. Especially these pictures of Jayci's last haircut. During Christmas I was talking to Char about Jayci's hair and how many haircuts she actually got in her 16 months of life. We decided about every 3-4 months. which equals to about 5 hair cuts. These were taken on March 1, 2011 of her very last hair cut. I loved the bob that Char gave her. It made her look so grown up. What I love most is how she sat so nicely, it was like she knew exactly what she was doing. Maybe because she has done it a few times!!! :) I sure miss this little lady. Today especially I had alot of time on my hands to think while I drove to Boise and back. I just ache for those slobbery kisses and tight squeezes. I appreciate the rainbow she sent my way because I really needed it to brighten my drive. I cannot believe a year is coming right up.....

She's Getting Married

My Sister Jessica is getting married in September. We could not be more excited about it other then the fact that she wants all of her sisters as bridesmaids. We get to get all dolled up and stand in her line. I'm kinda excited about it. She is one to get right on things so she asked if I would come and watch her try on dresses. Since her "MAN OF HONOR" is her best friend Scott.... he came along too. He is very opinionated like me so we definately fell in love with the same dress as soon as she put it on. These are not her dresses but I thought they were gorgeous. The one with her back towards me was about $1800... I can't even imagine spending that on a dress but she didn't but they were gorgeous. Ellie got in on the fun too and helped her put her dresses on and off. She was happy and cannot wait to be a "pedal girl" TWICE this summer. She is going to be one busy girl. Because my brother is getting married too. (Post to come later.) We are so excited to get a new sister and brother this summer. Our family keeps growing and growing. I cannot wait to get more nieces and nephews coming.... :)

Ellie's Christmas from Uncle Jacob and Aunt Mandy

We didn't get to go up north this year for Christmas or New Years so my brother sent Ellie's gift with my sister. She loves it and takes it with her everywhere she goes in the house.

Playing with Sam

Fred and Emy were having all the siblings over for a after Christmas-Christmas party and asked if Sam could come hang out with us. Of course we said yes and Ellie was beyond excited to get to push him around for awhile. I love that my girls have always felt comfortable around Fred and Emy's kids. It has taught them to love everyone. We have alot of kids in the Darrington family with disabilities and it teaches all of us compassion and how to serve one another. It was a good night and they had alot of fun torturing on Layne!

Jayci's Place

On December 31, 2011, While we were gone on vacation they installed Jayci's headstone. I was a little (okay, A LOT) sad that I wasn't around to witness it being installed. But thanks to a few good friends I was able to get pictures right away. I sent Kenna on a mission to make sure all of Jayci's things were still there and to send me a few pictures. She was happy to help out and sent me quite a few pictures that I loved. After I talked to Kenna my friend Angela sent me pictures of Jayci's headstone complete with flowers in the vases. I love that my friends loved her and miss her as much as I do. I am so lucky to have all of them and are grateful for the days when they just let me cry/vent.

Front Back

When I was designing Jayci's headstone I wanted it to tell her story. I wanted it to portray her love for water and also the beauty in which she brought into our lives. Not only does it tell her story but I didn't want the details of her day forgotten. So I added her footprints in the sand where she walked into the river. To me it is symbolism of the love my Savior has for me and our family. He knew I needed it to be quick and a way that she was happy. I know that she was guided to that water for I know she didn't go alone.

I am very partial to the back of Jayci's headstone. I knew I wanted it to say "THE BEAST" because that is who she was to me. I love her more than anything and I love that we had a very special bond as mother and daughter for she loved to torture me. But I did have someone point out to me that if I just left "THE BEAST" on the back of it my grandkids would never understand. So she suggested that I also put "lovingly known as" THE BEAST. So that it would be easily understood that The Beast was her nickname and always how we referenced her.


It was getting late But I wanted to snap a quick picture of Jayci and Sasha's headstones together. Sasha is one of my very dear friends baby girl that was born to heaven nearly six years ago. Jayci and her are taking care of one another until they can be with their families again. I love the thought that they are always there together for I know she is never alone. Robbie and I often Joke about being risen next to each other after the 2nd coming and what an amazing reunion it will be to be together as families meeting all of us for the first time.

We miss our baby girl and this is definitely the hardest thing that I have to go through for I still ache for her each and every single day. I pray for her happiness along with ours. We are healing but it is not easy! It brings a peace of mind to know that as long as we continue to do the things we are suppose to be doing we will be with her again. Families are Forever, and we are so blessed to have that knowledge to get us through day by day for everyday is a challenge.

Playing Catch up

I am just going to skip over the family vacation for now because it's just overwhelming. I will get caught back up with it at a later date. I have quite a few other posts to get up and I'd rather get those down before I forget.

Some days...

Some days are harder then others. Today is one of those days that I can't get her off my mind.
I wish I could kiss those cute cheekies one more time. I wish I could look into those beautiful BIG BROWN eyes.Run my fingers through her hair and listen to her laugh. Watch her run through the house naked after her bath like a crazy lady. Love on her sister, pull her hair and then run away as fast as those chubby little legs will take her. I miss and love you sweet baby. I can't believe in 3 days it will be 9 months. It doesn't seem right or fair. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. It feels like yesterday that I held you in my arms and kissed you over and over again. But for now those are all I have, Memories!!

Darrington Vacation Days 1 and 2

December 26, 2011

We left on our adventure at 6:50 am heading to our first destination of Las Vegas. We stayed at Hooters and went to a Variety Magic Show. It was awesome! Ellie was completely consumed by the show and participated by clapping and cheering and screaming. It was so fun watching her. I wish I had my camera but we figured they wouldn't let us take pictures so I missed out on pictures from that night.

(Ellie was so amazed by the ocean. She loved playing in the sand and finding sea shells. I loved that she made a sand angel for her sister. Layne wrote Jayci and Ellie's names in the sand and stood there and stared at them for the longest time. It broke my heart to know that he was missing her but I know he felt her presences. )

The next day we got up early and headed towards Anaheim. I was so excited to see the ocean. I could not believe how MAGNIFICENT it was. It completely and utterly took my breath away. I remember just standing there speechless. I have never felt the presence of Jayci as much as I did at that moment. As I was watching everyone play in the water I knew she was there. I stood there and bawled. I had a conversation with her just as if she was standing right there with me. I never felt so warm in my whole entire life. I knew at that moment the vail was so close. Close enough to reach out and take her in my arms. I felt like I could of taken her hand in mine and run down the beach. I felt her happiness and I have to admit it was contagious. As I smiled through the tears I had to let her go back.After that I needed to be a part of my life with Layne and Ellie running and playing with them on the beach. It was one of the most memorable moments of the whole trip. It made it for me. I was completely smitten again by my baby girl and by the amazing life that I live. We may not have it all, but together is all we have.

Christmas Night

We went to Dan and Byra Lou's around 6 and had our Family Christmas Party. It was fun to eat and visit. I love soup so it's usually one of my favorite events of the holiday. Ellie got fun things to take on our 12 hour trip to Disneyland. She especially loved spending the evening with cousins playing and visiting. We are so lucky to have such a close family. I don't know what I would of done in the last year with out all of them.

Christmas Morning

I wish that I could say that I was really excited about Christmas this year but in all honestly it was quite the opposite. Last year I could not wait to get the girls up and have them see all their gifts. This year I just kept buying for Ellie in hopes that the pain of not being able to buy for two would go away but it didn't. I was drawn to things that I would of bought for Jayci so every time I felt like that I would buy something else for Ellie. To say the least she got a little spoiled and I learned that not any amount of toys can take the pain away or make it lessen.

I thought about her the whole time we were opening gifts. I felt her presences and so did Layne. We would just look at each other with tears running down our faces as we watched Ellie open gifts. Every time she would open one I could picture Jayci right in the middle of it standing on Ellie's gifts or tearing them apart. It seems like our home was filled with undeniable love. It was probably the first time EVER on Christmas that I felt the spirit as I opened gifts and pondered the life of Christ. For the most part we loved just being home and being as a family.

I got very spoiled by my sweet husband. He surprised me with an Ipad. I am kind of a techy girl and enjoy playing with technical things. He has marked a box with a star and wanted me to open it last. What he didn't realize is he put the star on the wrong box and I opened the Ipad before I was suppose to. He was so cute about it and I of course got everything I wanted including the start of my Willow Tree Nativity. They have become one of my very favorite things. Since I got so many when Jayci passed away I just see them and think of her. So to say the least we both got very spoiled. In fact it has been the first Christmas that we have actually gotten each other things since we've been married. I know it won't happen every year but we tried all we could to keep Christmas alive in our home. I think Ellie was just as excited for my gifts as she was for hers. Including my "Santa Suit" Layne got me. (Yes it was a Santa Nighty and Yes every time some one came over to look at our gifts she pulled it out to show them. Most got more then they have bargained for and it made it a little uncomfortable for her Dad to see me in knowing how much Ellie liked it. Maybe Next year!!! bahahaha)

After we were done opening gifts we ate breakfast and then got ready for church. I loved that Christmas was on Sunday this year. I loved bringing that little extra bit of Christ into our Christmas. I loved all the talks that were shared on their favorite Christmas hymn. My favorite was given by Sandy Mallory on the Song Silent night and she told of Mary's story as she carried the Savior and her feelings of that night. It was amazing and I'll have to remember to ask her where she got it so I can get a copy of it.

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve was very low key. We spent it with Layne's family opening presents and eating a yummy dinner of prime rib and shrimp. We sat around and visited and watched a snowmobiling movie.

When we got home we tried talking Ellie into going to bed but that was just not happening. Layne and I were exhausted but she was just not having it. We have found out through that week that she is a WORRY WORT! I mean to the point of freaking out hyperventilating, crying, and cannot sleep. She worries herself to the point where she gets sick. I feel that this is becoming quite the issue and will take some getting used to especially when she is a TEENAGER... (Oh my...) I can't say that I don't blame her. She has been through more than any 5 year old she ever have to and it's only the beginning. I pray for her peace of mind all the time. I hope with continuing counseling it will help. I honestly feel helpless and impatient with it sometimes, but I know that I just need to keep praying for help.

She finally fell sleep around midnight and Layne and I got everything set up. She loved setting out cookies and milk for Santa, throwing the food for the reindeer and reading the Christmas story.

Treasures from Brad

Through the end of Brad's mission he kept telling us all he got us treasures. So we waited till Christmas Eve to open our gifts from him. I love how much thought and effort he put in to each on of our gifts. Along with each gift was another story or he would say something like I didn't know what to get ya but I found this.... We all loved our treasures but most importantly we are all just happy to have him home. Although I did laugh about everything he brought home. He gave away all his cloths including suits and all the rest of his belongings to make room for all his memorabilia and gifts to us. I believe he only brought home the suit on his back a few shirts.... Thanks for the gifts Braddy, we all loved them.

Christmas Eve, Eve

(these were from the next morning after Matt and Jess left but I just wanted to show Ellie's new painting isle. )

We invited Matt and Jess to come over and spend the night with us since we wouldn't get to see them for awhile. Ellie opened presents from Matt and Jess, Aunt Jana Kenyon, and then Aunt Kay-Kay. She of course made a haul like always. She got an Art kit to help her painting skills, and Apron with Kitchen spatulas and it wouldn't be complete with out slippers and a Justin Beiber Barbie (that makes two of them.) After that we had a long night of the Construction game. Like always Layne won!

Ward Christmas Party

Ellie loves Santa and is very eager to tell him EXACTLY what she wants from him. It never changes. She decides after her birthday and tells every Santa who's lap that she sits on the toy she has chosen. Lucky for me, she never changes her mind. This year it just happened to be "a Barbie puppy vet kit." (Which ended up being about $90 dollars cheaper then her Barbie Camper she got last year. )

December 22, 2011
Ellie was so excited to be big enough to play a bell for the Primary part of the program this year. I love how she is always blowing kisses or winking at Layne and I whenever she is doing some type of performance. She is definitely full of it sometimes.

Brad Showing off his memorabilia from Argentina.

These pictures were taken when Brad got to see the remodel for the first time. Can you tell he was just so happy to be home and standing in his own house.

The night Brad got home he wanted to just spend time with our family. Notice that Ellie hardly ever left his side. She is so excited to have her Uncle Braddy home. We loved listening to his stories on each thing he brought home. There of course were tears shed for some stories were very touching. He brought home some amazing hand made things.

The Darrington's

Our Family Reunited Once Again.
Although we are minus one special Angel, I know she was there in Spirit.

Brad's Homecoming at the Airport

On Wednesday December 21st we welcomed Elder Darrington home from Argentina Buenos Aires West Mission. I never thought the day would EVER come but it finally did. I am so happy for him and for our family. He served the Lord with all his heart and is ready to start the next adventures in his life.

Well, as we were waiting in the airport we waited with talk of excitement of how he would be. Ellie was so excited she had to go to the bathroom every five minutes. As he was coming down the tunnel from the escalator we could see him and were instantly excited. When he saw us he got the biggest GRIN on his face and it never went away. When Ellie saw him she started running and jumped into his arms. They hugged for a second and then he moved on to everyone else. The best part was he didn't even recognize Amanda. I think the first time around he skipped right over her. It was so cute when he realized it was her... She definitely changed the most out of everyone. The next one down he said was Ellie and only because she talks alot. LOL... He told us we all looked about the same but that his mom and dad had aged a little bit. It is so good to have him home.

Ellie was so excited she never left his side. No matter where he was or what he was doing. She was right next to him holding his hand. I'm sure it makes him feel a bit uneasy since he wasn't allowed to touch anyone for two years. It is the sweetest thing. (Now two days later it hasn't changed... She told me she is only going to do it for 7 days and then everyone else can have a chance.) So cute.

Live Nativity

On Monday evening for FHE we took Ellie to a live nativity. It was so neat. They had two camels, sheep, a goat, chickens, donkeys and every character. Ellie was in Heaven. She kept saying Mom I'm going to go ask that Mary if I can hold that baby Jesus. (he was just a doll, but she did not care.) Kids are so innocent and at this age absorb EVERYTHING. She is all about Jesus this Christmas because you know Jayci is with him while she is in our heart...

(Not to self add more pictures when publishing my blurb book.)

Nielsen Christmas Party

I always enjoy going to the Nielsen Christmas party and visiting with family. It's not that often that we get together so when we do I take full advantage of visiting with everyone. Ellie got a "pretty barbie" and was as happy as could be. ( I am sure loving my new camera. Still working out how to take "good" pictures.)

Roommate Reunion Luncheon

Last Saturday I decided it was time to get together with all my old roommates and neighbors (which were practically roommates).
It was so much fun to sit and just visit with all of them. I missed the ones that couldn't make it. We laughed and laughed for hours.
I sure appreciate all of them and am very grateful for their friendships. I don't know what I would of done with out them in my life.
Love you all and thanks for such a fun afternoon.