April 23, 2011

Testimony
24 hours ago I stood waist deep in the frigid river waters the crispy morning silence broken only by the scolding of two Geese who knew I didn't belong there. I held close the tiny tabernacle of of a beautiful daughter of God, having seen in the night the moment that angels escorted her spirit back to our Father in Heaven and knowing just where to go to find her I held her tight praying for strength to make the phone call and finish what I had been called to do. This morning I returned to my river for quiet for peace to commune with my Father. This morning again my two companions came out from the banks only not to scold me but to show me their testimony of Life of Love of Easter, their new family closely behind them revealed to the world to me for the first time this Easter Morning. I know my Savior lives, I pray for Lane and Krissy, for their family for our community for me.

These are the words of the most courageous and loving man who found my daughter Saturday morning in that very cold, fast flowing river. As I was riding in the car with Val and Teresa I felt two things ANGER and PEACE. I was more upset at the peace part because how could I be so calm, knowing that this is what was meant to be. I know why I was angry, I WANTED MY BABY GIRL BACK. I thought about how our Heavenly Father felt the night Jesus Christ suffered on the cross. The pain as a parent he must of been going through because in that very moment it was so hard for me. As we pulled upon the scene where Jayci was found I was looking frantically everywhere to find her. Who was holding her so I could scoop her up in my arms. As I got out of the car a very nice diver/volunteer walked up to me and said she is in here. I walked over to the police car and lost all control. All I could see was this pile of blankets sweetly wrapped around Jayci from head to toe, except her crazy hair which was poking out the top of the blanket. I knew it was her and just wanted to get in so bad to hold her and tell how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I looked over at the guy and said "can I hold her" and he said "I'm sorry but you cannot." I cannot even describe the devastation I felt in my heart. The longing to hold her one more time. I didn't care what she looked like or what the situation was. I just wanted to grasp that chubby little hand one more time to know for sure that she knew I loved her with every fiber of my being. As I stood staring at that crazy baby hair with my head leaning against the window. I felt so bad for that volunteer who had to tell me know. He was trying to hold it together but wanted to fall apart. As A parent I'm sure he knew the yearning of my heart. In the mean time I turn around and found my husband in a heap of mess in the gravel pleading for his baby girl. I felt so bad for him and was SO worried about him. I completely felt helpless.

As the coroner came over he asked me a few question and wanted to know a little bit more about the situation. He said how sorry he was. EVERYONE SAYS how sorry they are. But at that point I knew but still wanted my Baby Jayci back. A few minutes later as we were waiting for the funeral director to come and get her. I found myself helpless. I couldn't go to my husband because he was in the car grieving for his baby girl like I have never seen in my whole life, and everyone else was standing there staring at what I was going to do. And do you know what I felt. PEACE!!! I knew where she was and how she got there. I imagined her little smirk on her face as the angels helped her to that river and she went in just as those angels carried her up to our Loving Heavenly Fathers arms and he held her as I would all the while watching as her parents grieved her loss.

Jeff Rasmussen pulled up to the scene with Nick and they looked over everything and talked to the coroner and then asked us to come over. If they were not going to let me hold her I felt like Layne and I needed to be the ones to hand our sweet baby girl over from the police car to Jeff's loving arms. As they wrapped Jayci in a perfectly white sheet Nick placed her in Laynes and mine arms. As they pulled her out of the car her hair went everywhere and my sweet husband lost all control that he had. I was grateful for that hair that flopped out because it was hers and it was calming to me. As we both had our hands on her and handed her over into Jeffs loving arms as he was sitting in the van he called each of us over one at a time and hugged us and told us she was in his protection now and would be perfectly taken care of. He also said he would hurry as quickly as he could so we could come and see her again. As he was carrying her in his arms and they were trying to get out of there as quickly as they could because by this time the search teams were starting to show up again and he felt like that moment didn't need to be seen by many others. As I watched her drive away in a van that was not our own knowing my life would never be the same. I WAS BROKEN!

On the drive home it was quiet besides the sweet sobs from my dear sweet husband. I just could not get out of my head how grateful I was that they found her. Oh, I know with out a shadow of a doubt that we could still be looking for her this day and could possibly never have found her again!
But we had and she was safe in the loving arms of our funeral directors Nick and Jeff.

When we got home we sat in silence for probably an hour and I told my sisters to give us time before they come over I needed those quiet moments to pull myself together and sit with my husband. As my sisters got there I crumbled in their arms. I was so eternally grateful for my sisters to be there. There is nothing like hugging your sisters and knowing they are feeling my pain. As the day went on I had visitors and so much food brought in I didn't know what to do with it all. I loved all the hugs and the concern for my husband and I and our sweet Ellie.

There was not any other comfort that I felt that whole time until my Mom pulled into the drive way and I cried and sobbed in her arms. I know as my mom she felt my pain because our hearts are one. I am so grateful for my mother in law as well for being their for us. And keeping us comforted as well. I hugged my brother and other sister and was so thankful that they were all able to be there for Layne and I and to mourn with us. Our day of visitors and food did not end until 10:30p.m. to say I was exhausted was an understatement. I was grateful for all the love and support but was so thankful for the quietness that nighttime brought. I was grateful to kneel as a family and pray to our Father in Heaven all of the desires of our hearts along with all the pain we were feeling, knowing he has never left our side from the time this incident started. I was able to take some medication and fall asleep with no problems and was left dreamless with restless sleep!