Happy 2nd Birthday

December 1, 2011

As I was pondering what I wanted to write about this day. I read my friend Ashley's blog about how she feels about celebrating her daughters birthday but can only imagine her as a 19 month old. That is exactly how I feel but could never put it into words. When I think of Jayci I will only ever see our 16 month old baby. Her big HUGE gappy smile and matted hair. Her very cute, chubby kissable cheeks. Her dark brown eyes and ridiculously long eye lashes. Her fat knees and her waddle-ly little walk. How she always gives me the look when ever we would ask or if I did something she did not like. I will remember her love for her naked water baby that she carried every where.

Along with remembering the what is... I'll always remember the what's? What would she look like now? Would her hair be long or would I of whacked if off because I was so irritated with it? Would she be talking and what would be the words she would pick up on right away? What would her and Ellie be scheming up to torture me? What if? What? Would she? They could go on for hours and hours.
So for her birthday this year and every year following we will be going to the cemetary and sending balloons and love her way. We will buy her flowers and a baby to set by her headstone. We will be buying an Angel to put on our tree every year from here on out to always keep her apart of our holiday season. Her Birthday is December 1st, how fitting to have an angel of our own in Heaven to always remind us of our Saviors Birth. A perfect way to start off our Holiday season.

I was reading the Ensign and came across the First presidency Message that is called "The Choice to be Grateful." By Henry B. Eyring. He says that is it a commandment to be grateful in all things. And it is required of us to give thanks for the blessings that we receive. So to avoid misery, we must have a grateful heart. All of us would like to feel gratitude, but it is not easy to be consistently grateful with all the trials in our lives. Sometimes we take things for granted and sorrow can take over our lives.

Most of all, sometimes it is hard for us to be sufficiently grateful for the greatest gifts we receive: The birth of Jesus Christ, His Atonement, the promise of resurrection, the opportunity to enjoy eternal life with our families, the Restoration of the Gospel with the preisthood and it's keys. Only with the help of the Holy Ghost can we begin to feel what those blessings mean for us and for those we love. And only then can we hope to be thankful for all things and avoid the offense to God of ingratitude.

We can all make the choice to give thanks in prayer and to ask God for direction to serve others for Him--

I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this article. In celebrating Jayci's birthday I am going to be grateful for all that I have. That I have an angel in Heaven waiting for her Mommy and Daddy to make it back to her so we can continue raising her from right where she left off. That I have been sealed to my best friend for time and all eternity and that we'll be together as a family forever. All though I may shed a few (ALOT) of tears and ache for my daughter everyday, I will always keep thy commandment and have a grateful heart.
Dear Jayci,

Happy Birthday baby! I'm sure if your Dad was sitting here right next to me he would say "Happy Birthday Charlie! Happy Birthday." Like he does for all of the rest of us on our birthdays. I cannot believe you would have been two. Terrible Twos. You probably would of been twice as adventurous and INTO EVERYTHING!!! I can only imagine the two year old fits that you would throw. I saw a few before you were even 1 1/2 so I might have a little idea. I hope that you save those fits for Mom because I'm always up for a good laugh. I love that in your legacy you left me with the desire to be most patient and loving. To never sweat the small stuff and just smile and be grateful for all that I have. I hope you know how much you are missed. Not having you in our lives has left a hole that will never be filled but with time will eventually get smaller. We pray for you every night, to let you know how much we love you and we pray for your happiness. You are a part of everything we do and we do every thing we can to be with you again. I miss you everyday and cannot wait for the time when we will be together again. Happy Birthday Sis I hope you will enjoy the balloons we send your way. Please always watch over us and help us make the right decisions to continue on the straight and narrow.

I LOVE YOU infinity and ONE!

MOM

I have often felt like I could feel Jayci's presence and maybe I do. But never like I felt tonight.

It all started with writing my facebook post about how I miss having someone to fuss over. By putting on their boots, Chase all over, keep warm, Etc.... About 30 minutes after posting that my friend Angela stopped by and gave me a hug. She said she felt like maybe I needed that today... Of course I needed it more than I'd ever known because when she hugged me I just lost it. I just really felt overcome with love. Like it was Jayci wrapping her arms around me. She knew how much I would need it or did at that moment...

After she left I just sat in the chair for a minute and just reflected on the year. I picked my laptop back up and for some reason picasa ran through all of my pictures from 2009-present. It was as if she was showing me her life and how happy she was. I was in shock. I couldn't believe it but just sat and watched as every picture of her life quickly flashed by. Just as her life here on Earth did. I know that her life was full filled. I know she had more important things to do on the other side. It does not make it easier but it sure helps knowing she is perfect and safe.

When Layne got home I knew he had been having a hard day to just by the sound of his voice. As he started talking to me he just talked about how much he missed her today. I told him about my day and we both just ached for her all over again. It is amazing how some days we just feel her and ache for her. I know when I let myself just be taken over by the spirit I lose myself and all control.

As we were driving over to the in-laws we drove by the cemetery and I just lost it again. The tears just fell as I wanted to have her with me all over again. I felt her presences today. I felt her and her desire to be with us as we went to get the Christmas Tree. Her presence filled my soul. And I have no doubt she was sitting in the pickup with us tonight. Both Layne and I could feel her there. I love feeling like Heaven is on Earth, in my home and most importantly part of my family.

I cannot think of a better way to begin the Holiday season then by feeling the spirit so strong in my home and in my heart. I pray we always remember the Savior's birth, celebrate him and never forget the blessings and promises he has given us...

Playing at the Park

On Thanksgiving Mandy and Amanda needed to take the dogs for a ride and so all of us girls decided to go to the park and play for a little bit. The girls had a great time throwing the balls so the dogs could chase them. It was nice to take the girls and get them out of the hot, stuffy house.

This a series of photos I took of Ellie when she fell down. They make me laugh so very hard. She is quite the feisty, sassy little miss. But we sure do like her alot.

Ellie and Ava, Cousins and Friends!!!

Pictures for Char

(Soon-2-be) Aunt Mandy Helped the girls make Fruit pizzas

Ava and Ellie Playing Tangled

Last Tuesday we went to my Mom's for Thanksgiving. Ellie and Ava were so good and played so well together. Usually it's a fight all the time but for the most part they did really well.... Ava loves Ellie and is mesmerized by her which sometimes I don't necessarily think is a good thing... We sure love going up to visit. (The Reason why Flynn Ryder is Naked is because Ellie just informed me she was showing Ava Flynn's muscles... HAHAHA)

The Poser in her new jeans

E: "Look Mom, doesn't my bum look cute?"
Mom: Uh where did you get that from?
E: Well, Erica and Amanda ask all the time.
Mom: (Trying not to laugh) Well they are big girl and your only 5.
E: You said I was a big girl when I'm 5.

OH MY!!!!! Let's just say I'm a little scared for those teenage years!

Happy 18th Birthday Erica

11/19/2011

Little Ashton

11/18/2011

Ellie and I have been lucky enough to watch this sweet little guy. He is the cutest little thing and never makes a peep. His Mama is pretty luckyk to have him. The first few times he came over, he sat on the stairs and rarely ever moved. The more times he came the more comfortable he got. By the end he was talking (as best he could) and playing with Ellie. We sure loved this little guy.

He LOVES his binky and blankie. I had to snap these pictures because he was so desperate for his blanky he found one that was hooked into the bag. He was stuck with the binkie so he just got comfy and layed right down.

Is he not the cutest thing ever?!

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'd be lying if I said I was okay tonight. I don't know what to say other than, My heart is hurting. I know I have so many, many things to be thankful for but I have a HUGE whole in my heart that feels EXTRA big. Not only am I hurting for me but I hurt for Ellie and Layne. I cry because I know she is looking down on us not sitting here on my lap. I am sad because Layne misses running his hands through Jayci's hair and Ellie is in desperate need for a playmate. I am sad because I am not needed as much as I once was. I am mad because I took her for granted.
But in in the same breath I am Thankful for all that I have. I have a loving, compassionate husband. A very sassy, sweet 5 year old. I have my very own Angel in Heaven. I have an eternal family. I have an Amazing family both immidiate and distant. I am thankful for my church calling and the opportunity to serve others everyday. I am grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am grateful for Temples. I am grateful for school and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am SOOOO very blessed to have the best kind of friends. And I'm thankful for tears. For the ability to feel emotions and love someone unconditionally. I have been given much......

I recently recieved a letter from a friend with this poem and I LOVED it.


Be Thankful
Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you’re tired and wearyBecause it means you’ve made a difference.It is easy to be thankful for the good things.A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who arealso thankful for the setbacks.GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.Find a way to be thankful for your troublesand they can become your blessings.

Author Unknown

Are you Thankful?

It's True... Were headed to "The Happiest Place On Earth"

Yes I am HAPPY, EXCITED to announce that this little Family along with the Darrington's are headed to DISNEYLAND! I don't know if you have ever experienced a feeling of pure joy watching your CHILD dream of the things she is going to see and do. I have never, ever seen her so excited about anything in her life other then when Jayci was born. The anticipation and waiting will be the end of her. Thank goodness it's only 6 weeks away and we'll be on our way. I am so excited I am kind of a small town girl who has NEVER really been out of the state of Idaho. So even the thought of a new adventure makes this girl super gitty. Not to mention it's the one thing that is going to get me through these holidays. I have a lot of hard days ahead of me and will take them one at a time, one minute at a time.

Do you ever sit back and wonder "Really,what now?"

I never thought that I would be the one to sit down and say.... Really this too? Let's be honest, I have been very patient. I have been pretty understanding. I have taken every blow with stride. And have rolled with every punch. But now it's just funny. I am still doing everything I'm suppose to be doing besides our lunches out on Sunday but that comes with a whole other set of emotions. (Mainly that was our day to spend as a family. We played all day and always had a good meal. Frankly I just miss her, the good ole days and hate cooking because my baby should be there with me making a mess every step of the way.) I am enjoying being in the Relief Society Presidency. I love the sisters and let's just say I am thoroughly enjoying every lesson... (My new favorite thing to study... The Millennium after the 2nd Coming. I CANNOT wait!)I love to keep busy. I cannot be an idle person because if I were I'm pretty sure I'd be a wreck 24/7. Really, I'm just living everyday like every other Mom on the planet...

Except.

I am missing my Angel Baby Jayci more then ever.

AND

I am fighting a little bit of infertility.

I wasn't really going to post anything about it but it's actually quite funny.I have friends who have fought infertility and it's very serious. I cannot even imagine fighting to have a baby everyday and just can't. But, I know that this life is not my plan. It is the Lords plan and his plan is set forth for me but I really feel like I'm getting jipped right now. When trying to have both Ellie and Jayci it was easy. I mean I was pregnant within a month of trying for Ellie and 2 Months with Jayci. But this time it's all different. You know you have to have a cycle in order to even ovulate which then leads to getting pregnant. But I am not cycling. I have been off the pill for almost 4 months and have had one cycle right at the get go of "trying." After that one time I have taken a pregnancy test at least every two weeks and sometimes every week. I would take it and then think to myself "I know I'm not so why do you keep doing this to yourself."

Actually, the plan was to be 3 months by the time Braddy got home from his mission so we could surprise him with another niece or nephew. Since he only got to hold Our little Jayci a few times and left when she was only 2 weeks old. But he'll be home in one month and I still haven't actually had a cycle. AWESOME. Well 11 days ago I got so frustrated and went in to the doctor and he basically told me I'm getting old. Seriously I laughed and laughed... This is all becoming quite hilarious because I'm only 29 and really my reproduction system is and I quote "getting OLD." It all started with this amazing birth control called b-yaz. I LOVED it because I would maybe have a one day cycle. If you could even call that a cycle. Still it was one day. Then the last year of it I didn't have ANY. It was sooo sweet. I have loved not having one and yet not being pregnant because I have been a regular, heavy 28er since I was in the FIFTH GRADE... so a break was nice. Now I'm kinda regretting it because my body is thinking I'm done having kids and I don't need to do that monthly thing.

So to make a long story short Dr. J has put me on a estrogen pill to make me have a cycle. He was thinking it might take a week. to get it going and I'm here to say it's almost been 2 weeks and I still haven't.... But I'm just laughing about it because really what else is there... Get mad? That isn't really my style. Cry, well that is easy and I do it on a daily basis but not for this reason. Laugh yeah or else I would just be mad as hell....

Heavenly Father has a plan set for me and my family. I sometimes wonder if this is the calm before the storm. But how can it be a storm when I have gone through a Mothers worst nightmare. All I really desire now is to be a loving mother who cherishes EVERY SINGLE minute with my daughter here on this earth. Patiently waiting for the next spirits to come... If they even do. And if they don't the desire to have children in the next life is all up to me. I can have 12 (wink wink) if I want. But for now. I'm just going to hope that soon the cycle of life will start in me again and whom ever that child may be. I hope the older sister is up there teaching her everything she knows... Especially those things that make me say.... "The Beast is at it again......."

Blake and Maralee

Blake is Layne's Cousin and one of his good friends. We are so excited for them and are looking forward to getting to know Maralee better. They asked me to snap a few pictures while I was there. It was a fun night and can I say it was the best fondant on a cake I've ever had! YUMMO! Congrats Guys!

Little Miss Dance Group

11/15/2011
Ellie had her first ballet performance last week and did exceptional. She typically has every move memorized clear down to every facial expression... To say she has a little Sass is an understatement. We love our little dancer to the moon!

Ellie and Berkley

Can you just say we LOVE this puppy. Actually this is Josh's 3rd English BullDog and we have adored everyone of them.
They don't come any cuter!

Ellie loves horses. She especially loves them in the summer time when the Bott Girls come over and give her rides on their horse Brownie. She is absolutely mesmorized by them. Although I think she is alot like her mom when it comes to dealing with Large animals. We like to be in control and aren't real sure of LARGE animals for fear of what they might do. I prefer to deal with any sort of animal with both feet on the ground. There is one exception and that is if and only if, someone is holding them in one place while I am on them. While we were up checking out Kenna's new residing place, Ellie was pretty persistant to go outside and see the horses. She begged and begged until we could not take it for one more minute. To say she was in heaven was an underestatement. When she asks for things that I have no intention of EVER, EVER buying her, like a horse. Her Dad and I always tell her to go ask her grandpa. He comes back with why don't I just take you riding at Pam's. He always has an answer for what ever her needs are at that very moment. Gotta love a girl and her dreams of having a horse.

Ellie's Birthday Present from Aunt Kay-Kay

Just in case you have noticed yet?! Ellie is SUPER spoiled. I am wondering what I am going to get the kid for Christmas that she didn't already get for her birthday.

ELLIE LOVES ICE CREAM! Just like her Daddy.
Ellie is also relentless when she wants something. So she bugged us over and over, every minute on the dot, to make ice cream with her. Me, being the smart Mom, made Kayla go and help her since she is the one that bought it for her. She loved it and everyone is happy!

Thanks for the Ice Cream Maker Aunt Kayla...

(p.s. I really did put all the laundry away that you have seen in the previous pictures. It only took me a week! But it is done!)

Never Leave Your Car Door Open Or Else......

Tank will squeeze his way through the cracked back door, climb through the seats, and make his HUGE body comfy on my nice CLEAN seat! GRRRR... Layne thought it was pretty funny. I on the other hand was a little ANNOYED! I now have dog hair every where. He thinks he's HUMAN! (But really I did get a good laugh out of it because he looked so sad and ridiculous squished in my front seat.)

So many EXPRESSIONS!

I have loved this camera because I can take pictures quick enough to catch all of Little Miss E's Faces! She is quite the entertainer! Not to mention she is just a slight DRAMA QUEEN! Thanks for the gift Ang. Ellie loved it and has carried it around with her in the house for days leaving a trail where ever she went!