A Mothers Worst Nightmare

April 22, 2011
I don't know how to even start this post because it was such a perfect morning. I had gotten up with Jayci about 8:30 a.m. right after Dad had left to work. She was SOOO HAPPY and giggly. I just couldn't help but love on her and play with her in her room for a few minutes. After about ten minutes she was on a mission to find Ellie and torture her for awhile. For some reason it Ellie didn't start yelling at her like she usually did. She just wrestled with her and they layed on the floor for a few minutes and watched a little cartoons. I was in shock because I needed to get a few things done so I knew she was in good hands. I was up doing dishes and all I could hear was Ellie talking a hundred miles and hour and Jayci just giggling. I don't think I'll ever forget that sweet laugh and their moments together. I was done with dishes about 10. We all sat in the living room with eachother just hanging out. Jayci was playing with her toys and throwing them everywhere. I decided it was probably best to pick up everything (all her baby toys) and give the living room a good clean. So Jayci and I picked up her toys put them in a basket and carried them to her room. She loved to help me clean up and exspeically vaccum. She was always sitting where ever I vacummed so I would pretend to run her over, she would laugh and then move to another spot. It always seemed to make me 3 times as long to vacumm but I loved every second of it. Anyways after we got done cleaning up her toys we vacummed one last time together and I went to put her down for a nap because I knew she would sleep for the Osterhout kids. She would of been running a hundred miles and hour and would want to play the whole time. So I went and got her a bottle and laid her down. As I laid her down, like the previous night she took her bottle I kissed on the forehead told her I loved her sooo much and she waved that sweet wave one very last time. I enjoyed her nap I had a shower and got Ellie and I ready. One o'clock rolled around and I had to go instantly pull her out of bed, which she was still sleeping so she was just so sweet and kinda had her shy smile on not fully awake. I pulled her out. sat her on my lap and put on those new shoes just like her big sisters that I had just bought her. As soon as I put them on they were velcro and she was trying to get them off. We played back and forth slapping hands because she kept trying to get them off. She thought it was sooo funny that I kept playfully slapping her hand. After I finally got her jacket on we went out and put her in her seat and I got Ellie's coat on and then we were on our way. For some reason when I got to Kari's I explained over and over to Layne that someone needed to have her eyes on her EVERY SECOND because she was so fast. I gave her one last squeeze and kiss on the cheek and let her run and she was off and running to get up Kari's steps. I stopped one last second to watch how fast she was and crawling up those stairs and just smiled. She turned and looked at me with those big brown eyes and was off again! I walked to the van with a little sick feeling in my gut but just kept going got to the school and we were on our way to FIler to the softball game.

At the first of the second game my mother in law came running to the fence and said get your stuff we've got to get you home. I instantly pulled myself away from her and said WHAT HAPPEND... she didn't' want to tell me but gave in and said "they can't find Jayci". Right then and there at that very Moment I already knew where she was. She was being greeted in Heaven by our Gracious and Loving Father in Heaven!!!!.... I was still in shock and didn't even know how to act... I just don't have any words for the drive home... It was AWFUL!!! I had so many mixed emotions and one being "my husband is never going to forgive me...." But by the time I got to Kari's house we coudln't even drive up to the house I had to get out of the car and RUN as fast as my wobbly legs could carry me to go be with my husband. There were hundreds and hundreds of people around looking all over for her.

As I ran in the house I found my husband curled up on a bench and I just ran to him and we just hugged and cried. I don't remember much of anything else from this point on until we found ourselves in the office recieving blessings and saying many many prayers. That those hands searching would find my sweet little girl. I knew where she was I just wanted her body back... After being there for which seems like eternity. The Sheriff came in and told me it was time that they have to get the dive team out of the river it was to cold and we can't risk their safety as well... That is when I knew It was going to be the longest night of my life.

Layne and I sat in that office for hours and just wished that they could find her. We were there all alone and and we both knew that it was her time to go. As I reflect on the last month on her life I recall a day as I was watching her sleep I had this feeling that she wouldn't be around forever. Be more paitent, take more pictures, spend more time just loving her and observing everything that she did. And whatever it was I knew it had to be water. I knew because she loved it so much she would be taken as a perfect child back to our Father in Heaven. It wasn't easy to grasp but I did take my time with her and I loved her and I laughed instead of lost patience. I know in my heart it had to be someone else because it I hooked that child to me ball and chain I never lost sight of her because I knew her time was coming to an end. So the Good Lord had to put it in someone else's hands and have someone else take that burden from me. And I know that that Greg and Kari were choosen because of their strength as a family and their perfect faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the plan of Salvation and the knowledge that families can be together FOREVER!!!! As I expressed these thoughts to Layne he just got tears in his eyes and expressed the same feelings except his has been for a few months. He said he would look in her eyes (those beautiful brown eyes) and knew she wouldnt' be with us forever. So just as I knew he knew also so in his own sweet way Our Heavenly Father started preparing us for this tragedy.

As people have come in to my life I know they have been put there for a reason. Some that have lost children of their own and me just thinking I was reaching out to comfort them and in all reality they were sent to me for this horrible time in my life. I haven't found the time or have had the courage to talk to anyone yet but their time is coming In the quiet moments at home I just need to get out and go... And will find myself in the comfort of their homes.

As Layne and I were headed out of Kari and Greg's friday night empty handed I was lost, broken, sick and comforted. We had to go home to tell our sweet Ellie that her sister is in Heaven now in ourLoving Heavenly Fathers arms. He is going to take care of her for us until we can be together again. As we held her in our arms as she cried uncontrollably I have never been more grateful for my beautiful first born daughter to fill that emptyness just a little bit. What would I ever have done with out her?! I love my daughters more than life itself and would of given anything to have one last second with Jayci but I know it had to be the way that it was. Please continue to keep our family in your prayers. I dont' know what I am going to do in those quiet moments but I will find peace.

This tradegy has given me a whole new perspective on motherhood and being a parent. Oh what am I going to do without my sweet baby Jayci....