(This is one of the very last pictures ever taken of Jayci. It was taken at our very last family dinner together two nights before she passed away. This is something she would typically do with every meal.... WEAR IT)Today has been a rough one for me. I have been doing laundry and it seems like every load that I have pulled out smells like the last time I was able to smell Jayci. It isn't necessarily her natural smell but the smell of the funeral home. I don't know why but that smell just reminds me of her. It takes me back to those last days with her when I was able to dress her and the very last time I was able to actually hold her in my arms. Its the last smell that I could smell when I leaned over to kiss her for the very last time before they shut her casket.
I wish that it didn't have to be her smell but it's the only smell that I have left that I can remember. Sometimes I will be driving down the road or doing dishes and that smell will come and go as quick as I can catch a whiff of it but I often wonder if it's her just saying hello or wanting her presence to be known. I have mentioned to Jeff after the funeral that if the smell in her blanket (the one that was wrapped around her the morning she was found) ever goes away if he would wash it for me again and he said sure. I know that sounds so morbid but I just love to smash my face into that blanket sometimes and just cry till I can't cry anymore....
I got an email from Ashley Sullenger (http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/ ) the other day and she asked how I was doing. She said around month three and four is when she started to fall apart.( She lost her little girl to a downing accident as well and we just have alot in common. You can follow her story by clicking on the address above.)
I have been trying to tell myself that I am going to hold strong but I think REALITY really has set in. I have been aching for the love and life that she brought into my home. The way she always made us laugh and the crazy things she would always be doing. I wonder if she would be talking now or if she would even have more teeth. I wonder if she would continue to have the "LOTT" laugh. LOUD and Contagious! I always tell Layne that I want another little girl just like her. I want a free spirited kid in my home that is just like her Dad: Quiet and always giving me a hard time. Everyday my struggles are different but everyday the ache is still the same.
I missed her screaming and kicking the back of my seat. I missed her because Ellie had her headphones on and the only peeps I heard out of her were "are we there yet" (ONCE) and "I have to go potty" 5 or 6 times other then that it was silent. Which was fabulous, other then the fact that I was left with so much quiet time and had to pull over a few times just to get a few good cries out. I hated the fact that this was the first time that I was going to spend time at my mom's with out both of my girls and that my life is forever changed. I know where my sweet little girl is but it doesn't make it any easier on our everyday adventures. They say that the firsts are always the hardests but I am beginning to think that everything is hard, I don't think it matters how many times something happens its just always going to be hard. I hope she knows how much I miss her and how I cannot wait till the second coming so I can see her again! I miss that smile and mostly just holding her when ever I wanted. I ache for her but know she is in good hands. I often have to laugh to myself when I think of those up there trying to take care of her. They are just begging me to come and save them from her. I know that those of my friends that have watched Jayci also know this feeling.... They just look at her and wonder to themselves "Is your Mom EVER going to come and get you?!" I am so grateful for the opportunity that I get to go and get her and continue raising my sweet ball of fire. But today I feel sad that she isn't here to spend the day with her cousin and sister and reek havoc on Grandma's house. Oh sweet girl.... I love you!
