Happy 21st Birthday Elder Brad Darrington WE LOVE YOU!!!

Memorial Day

Today was bittersweet.... Ellie and I stop alot at Jayci's grave just to check on her and make sure her grass is growing in and every time Ellie has a flower or a balloon she wants to stop and eaither put it on her grave or let the balloon go. But today was the first time we have been there together as a family! And it was special and overwhelming all at the same time. It's hard to watch my daughter and husband struggle over the fact that she is not here anymore. We all know where she is, it's just HARD TO ACCEPT!!!

As time is going on I can see myself stopping with Ellie on a regular basis and just hanging out. Just knowing her body is there and in safe keeping gives me a little peace of mind because still today I wonder what would of happend had she not been found her.

As we were driving up to the cemetery Ellie asked me, "Mom what are we going to do for Jayci's Birthday? Do I get to have her presents? What will we do for a cake? Can I blow out her candles?" I just laughed to myself and answered every single one. I love that we talk about her just as if she was still here. I know Ellie feels her and knows she is near. She is always telling me that I need to put her car seat in the car... So I know the Vail between Heaven and Earth is very thin.

I am so grateful for all the love that was shown to us this weekend and the prayers that have been said on our behalf. It almost seems like it is getting harder. I miss her alot more every day but know this is the way it's suppose to be. It's just that Twinkle was just to short. I love you sis and am so grateful you got to be spoiled a little today! We love you!

Working on My blog book!

I have been sitting here on the couch now for 6 hours working on my blog book from 2010. I'm feeling a little lost. I have been feeling happy and sad all day long. I have been sitting here looking at my little girl's face over and over on every post and beginning to think did it really happen? Was she really here?

I know it happend but it only feels like a twinkle of time. I ran after her 24/7, I changed at least 5 diapers a day, cleaned up one mess after another, pulled her out of the bathroom 15 times daily and held her for split seconds all day long (only because that is as long as I was allowed before she was off terrorizing something else)...But how long was she really here? You always hear that living on this earth is like a minute compared to eternity. But right now eternity feels forever away.

Since I have been thinking a lot about her I wonder is she truly happy? I read Ellie a book tonight that was given to us by Uncle Fred and Auntie Em and I can't get through the first page without getting all choked up. It's as if they knew Jayci and drew a cartoon picture of her and put her all over in the book. And since I find alot of comfort in it I wanted to share it with you.... you can't see the pictures but the words sum it up.

It's called "What Do They Do all Day In Heaven?" Written by Staci Crowton Thomas and illustrated by Helen Thoman.

What does my sister do when she goes to Heaven?

Does she laugh?
Does she cry?
Does she stay up past eleven?

Does she get to have bangs and very long hair?
Does she get to wear dresses everyday over there?
Does she slide down the rainbows,
and jump on the beds?

Does she sleep in the halo she wears on her head?
Does she sleep on her tummy because of her wings?

Does she know that at Christmas everyone sings?

Does she need Band-Aids?
Do they make her feel better?
Maybe in her sparetime she could write me a letter.

Does she ever get hic-cups?
Does she ever get sad?
Does she ever get really, really mad?

Does she get to eat lunch?
Or take a long rest?
Does she get nervous like me when she takes a math test?

I'm curious you know if Heaven's okay,
if she fits in, if it's as hard as first grade?
If she ever gets scared,
does she know where I am.
Does she know that she has a twin brother named Sam?

Does she know that her Christmas stocking still hangs next to ours?

Does she know grandma Helen? Does she sleep in her arms?
Does she crawl on her lap and rock in a chair?
Do they read stories about here and stories about there?

Does she know that I miss her, Does she know that I care?
Does she know that we have the same color of hair?
Does she keep all the balloons that go up to the skies?
Does she have the same twinkle as mom's in her eyes?

Do they sing lots of songs? Does she know all the words?
Does she look up or look down to see all of the birds?
Does she know that this summer I'll be turning seven?

H'mmmm...

Just what do they do all day in Heaven?

It just makes you wonder..... I know that her spirit is still near! I can feel her sometimes. When she is with me I just want to reach down and pick her up. But I know she is there just to keep me sane. I miss her so much sometimes I don't know what to do? Thank goodness for Ellie who likes to cry and laugh with me when we get to talk about her. I guess I'm just feeling so emotional tonight because tomorrow is Memorial Day. I am going to go sit by her side and talk to her and really want to hold her hand but know that I can't. I want her to know how much I miss her and want her back. But I know her mission is even than anything I can even fathom. I'm just so lucky to be her mom and know that she is mine forever and no one gets to take that away!

So Jayci tonight, just know that I love you and miss you and pray that you are happy. I can't wait till the day that I get to hold you again. To see your perfectly gappy toothy smile that never leaves my mind. I'm so grateful for the amazing missionary that you are and will always continue to be! Good night sweet baby girl. I LOVE YOU!!!

The Beginning of Jayci's Day

The morning of the funeral after I had my time outside I walked in the house and Ellie was sitting on the couch. She was sad and said Mommy do I get to go see Jayci again today?! I told her yes but that today was the day we had to tell her body goodbye. It was the last time we were going to get to hold her hand and kiss her on the cheek. I told her this was the day that we had to be strong and know that Heavenly Father was there taking care of us and her. She was okay with that but asked other questions and we talked about her over and over and laughed at the things that Jayci would of done. Ellie discussed with me how much she was going to miss her. And I told her I completely agreed but that is was Heavenly Father's Plan to have her go back to him but know that we get to see her again.

To me it was absolutely perfect to get to talk about her with Ellie. Just as if Ellie knew exactly what was happening but that the same time knowing that she was really going to miss her sister. So we sat around that morning and just hung out as a family. We laughed and we cried and we knew that the time was coming near that we were going to have to say goodbye.

As we were getting ready we decided to wear purple. It was perfect. I wouldn't say that purple was Jayci's favorite color but it definitely was Ellie's. We wanted to make Ellie feel just as important as Jayci. I don't' think that Jayci wouldn't of wanted it any other way. She was absolutely mesmerized by Ellie and everything she did. So we tried to make her feel like a princess just as much as Jayci.

We wanted to get to the church before everyone else so of course in my true fashion we were heading a little bit early I was anxious to get there and see my little girl and spend as much time with her as I could before we were bombarded with people for her viewing at the church. And because we were so early we pulled in the same exact time as the Hurst and the funeral homes van. We sat in the car and watched as they got Jayci out of the car in her casket. I was completely amazed and in awe of how careful they were with her. They were treating her as if she was porcelain and would break with just a slight jult. I loved watching them with her because I knew they loved her as much as I did. They have been able to spend alot of time with her over the week and knew how precious she was to us.

As Nick was setting up the Relief Society room Layne and I set up the tables with all of Jayci's Pictures and memorabilia. There were pictures of me pregnant with her. Pictures of her through out her life and of course family pictures. A poem written for us by Amber and Jayci's blankets that she was wrapped with the morning she was pulled from the frigid cold water. They were what comforted her in that moment as she was loved so tenderly by Greg, Kari, and Emery. (which I will be forever in debtted to them for loving my baby girl at a time when I couldn't.)

As we were setting up the table Kenna arrived and took Ellie back and got pictures with her sister for the very last time. I am so grateful for them and the love that Ellie showed toward her sister. She was so sweet and tender with her just as she always had been. When I look at the pictures that Kenna took I see Jayci there I see her smiling at her sister and telling her she was okay and that she needed to be tough for Mom and Dad. Ellie was Jayci's protector. If anyone even thought about holding Jayci, Ellie was right there telling them that she was her little sister and she had to go home with her. I know in the pre-existance they were best friends and it continued from the moment that baby girl entered this world.

Ellie is a little difficult and wanted to do her own thing so we let her roam the church and sit and do what ever she wanted while we were at the viewing. Thank goodness she felt like she was a helper, helping Jana play the prelude music and then again helping Lisa in the kitchen. I had a corsage made for her to wear so she could feel just as special as the guys that put flowers on their suits. She loved it and showed everyone. She loved the flowers that everyone so kindly sent us she continued going up to them and smelling them. She played in the playroom until it was time for the family prayer.

Jayci's Funeral

April 28, 2011
I started the morning out on the steps outside at 7:00 a.m. I just remember sitting there and being so mad and yelling at Heavenly Father for taking my little girl from me. I knew that it was her time to go but I felt like it was my right to plead with him and ask him why. I knew why but I needed to be mad. I had seen miracles already and I had felt her presence, but why? I wanted him to know of my love for her. I wanted him to know it wasn't fair. What about Ellie? What is she going to do with her time? Everyone else has siblings to love and play with, so why not her? So many questions and so frustrated. But I wanted this day to be perfect after being so mad I asked him to give me peace. I wanted today to be a celebration of her life. I wanted people to know about her and who she was. I wanted them to laugh with us because that is what she made us do every second of everyday, Laugh. Sometimes it was laughing because I was so frustrated with her I didn't know what else to do. I wanted people to know that we love our little girl more than anything. That our life is going to be quiet and different with out her. I wanted people to know that I KNOW that families can be together forever. That we made a promise to be there for each other through out all eternity. That we were sealed as a family for eternity! I know that Heavenly Father was there for me and kept me lifted through out the whole day. I felt her with me, I know she was there and looking down on us laughing with us. Knowing that I had that peace I knew the realization of the day had to begin. There was going to be a beginning and an end to this day. There were going to be firsts and lasts, tears and laughter, but most of all "LOVE".

Still Going Strong

Today is the first day I am sitting on the couch and just watching tv. I have to head to town in a few hours but I am just sitting here having a quiet moment. It seems like I haven't had 2 minutes to myself since my little Angel passed so I'm taking full advantage this morning.

Lately my life just seems to get busier and busier. Just when I thought I wouldn't have anything to do my husband gets in a car accident and I am now car shopping and making sure that Layne is making it to the chiropractor 3 times a week. On top of trying to find the dead smell that is going on in my house and keeping up with the yard. I am looking forward to starting my out side projects and getting Jayci's utopia done. We have the pump for her pond/stream. Now we have to find the rocks to get it all put together. I'm SUPER excited about it and looking forward to having them both done.

I am looking forward to getting the rest of the Jayci's Funeral post done but I need to get a few others things finished first. I miss my little girl 24/7 we talk about her everyday and are constantly reminded of things that she did by just watching Ellie or walking around the house. I am so grateful to know that "Families are Forever."

A Roller Coaster of Emotion

Dear Blogging World,To say the least my life is a roller coaster of events and emotion. I just had to take a quick minute and let everyone know what has gone on in my life in the last two days. I feel like this is crucial to a whole plan that has been set out for us to conquer and endure.

Yesterday, around 8:30 in the morning to head to state which just happened to be in Orofino which is where I grew up. Since I was already going to be here I was planning on staying after the tourney with my Mom for a whole week because it is her birthday and frankly I was excited for a week away. Well around 2 p.m. Erica my little sister-in-law ran to me in the front of the bus saying my mom was is in a car accident. I thought to myself, "okay, is she alright and is my husband with her?" Sure enough it was actually my husband driving my new/used car and it was totaled. THANK GOODNESS they are okay and doing good just a little sore. They were one mile away from just leaving Teresa's to come to state and were t-boned by a 16 year old kid.

As I'm sitting on the bus everyone was just watching me to make sure I was okay. I guess If I have a whole new philosophy on life now. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to pray for safety on my family's behalf and that my husband said a prayer and they were both okay. As I look at it. I just went through a Mothers worst nightmare if I can hear Layne's voice and know he is ALIVE and WELL. Then I am okay. Nothing could be worse...... Besides,we were on our way to the softball state tourney and my car is just a material thing and will be replaced.And most importantly LAYNE was just fine. BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW..... I LOVED THAT CAR... But they are already in the process of finding me one just like it and just as nice. (I don't even know how that is possible because I LOVED that car.)

So let's just say I wonder to myself how much more can I take? What is my third strike? I hope it's minimal. I don't think I can take much more.

So this morning I woke up and am grateful that Layne has someone at home with him and taking care of him while I am fulfilling my duties here. Our softball team set a goal at the beginning of the season to make it to state and take home a trophy. To say the least our team has been put through alot and we have grown as a "family." I love them just as though they were my own and I can vouch for the other coaches that they feel the same way.

We had our first game this afternoon at noon and to say the least we were put up against the team we least wanted to play but we went in with everything we had. Their goal was achievable and they worked really hard. We won our first game 7 long innings 5-4. So we were in the running for 1-2-3. Our GOAL the TROPHY!!! Well, our second game at five came up against my home town team, the Orofino Maniacs. It was a close game tied almost the whole way through then in the 5th inning our girls just picked it up and hit the ball... We ended up winning 12-8 and are now playing in the championship game tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. Not only did we come and achieve our goal but are now working to be #1 in the state. And at the very end of the game we always say "Together we Win." tonight it was "Together we win for Jayci." It was sooo sweet and of course left us all in tears... Such a very bittersweet moment. I couldn't be more proud to be a coach from our small little town...

I had to explain what I am up to right now and will be right back at it in a few days when we get home. But just know I"m not just blogging because I can't it's because SO MANY other things are still going on.

GOOD LUCK TOMORROW GIRLS!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!

Jayci's Hands

(I am one of those that usually only looks at pictures when I am looking through someone's blog. So I thought I would throw a few pictures up right now of my sweet baby Jayci's hands. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THESE OFF OF MY BLOG because they are sacred to me and should just be LEFT ALONE!!!! If I see them else where I will go private with my blog again!)
I had wrote a few of my friends an email last night asking for some of their pictures that they had taken during the viewing, funeral, and at the cemetary. So around 11:00 p.m. last night I get this email from my friend Kenna with these two pictures in it.

I don't know why but it hit me harder than anything else has. I first saw the picture of Ellie kissing Jayci's hand. This took me right back to the moment Thursday morning at the funeral when I watched my little girl talk to her sister just as if she was sitting right there. I watched how she wasn't afraid to touch her and just wanted to be by her side and visit with her. I know that Jayci was with Ellie this day. She kept looking up over her shoulder and smiling just as if Jayci was right above her.

I just couldn't help but think of how lost my little Ellie is right now. Those two girls were always hand in hand or fighting where ever we went. They were and will always be best friends. I know that Ellie misses her so much. I can often be up in the kitchen and can faintly hear Jayci's sweet laugh because Ellie is doing something crazy. I miss our baby girl more than anything.

This picture is taken the night that we were able to dress our sweet baby girl. I had asked Kenna to come in and take these pictures because I never wanted to forget what her hand looked like in mine or Layne's. I knew a time would come when I wouldn't be able to hold her hand again and needed these to look back on.

Jayci's hands were always so perfectly CHUBBY! She never really had any joints they always just looked perfectly chubby. I always loved it when I would say "let's go bye" Jayci would run to me and put her hand in mine so we could leave. I will never forget how her hand felt in mine. I don't think that anything could take the ache away that I have just to hold her hand or kiss her on the cheek one more time!

Jayci's Letter

Mommy and Daddy I love you so.
The day I was born was a sight to behold.
you were so happy and I was so dear;
We knew that love could grow stronger here.

I brought you mischief, I brought you pain
But always together more love we gained.
I made you laugh, I made you smile;
We always assumed I'd be around for awhile.

But something happened, something changed.
Heavenly Father called my name.
I had to go and leave you here
But Mom and Dad please don't fear.

I have returned to my Father
I'm in his arms; his eternal daughter.
His love is so strong, he loves all men.
Our Savior has promised we'll be together again.

So though you will miss me and you will cry,
And for now we have to say goodbye
Remember our family is sealed together
Our love will continue on forever.

We will see each other once more.
Our family and love will be cared for
Until then my love for you will be added
I love you always Mommy and Daddy!

-Amber Buckley

This poem was written for us by Layne's Cousin Amber. She is close to our age and for the most part we have been pretty good friends. She, like everyone else felt the loss of our sweet baby girl and wanted to do something for us so she sat down and wrote us this beautiful poem. This has been by far one of Layne's favorite things. I find him reading it again and again and this is why.... Because she was near....(this is just part of a letter that Amber had wrote to us about writing "Jayci's Letter")

"I asked if there was something I could write that would help. After thinking about it for a while mom suggested that I write a poem for you about Jayci. Yikes! That is a tall order, especially considering I haven’t picked up my creative writing skills in several months and I didn’t know Jayci extremely well. That night I sat in front of my computer, I typed, erased, re-typed, and started to again feel hopeless. What could I say or write that would be a comfort to you? It was at that moment, when I was most ready to give up, that Jayci came to me. I felt her there on my right shoulder, she didn’t say anything she just stood there and watched as I began writing the poem that you now have. I felt her joy after the first 4-6 lines, what I was writing is what she wanted. She didn’t stay for the whole poem, I think she knew you needed her, but I was able to hang on to her joy and finish writing. I wish she could have stayed to help me through the whole poem, her spirit was so sweet and so strong. She was very certain about what she wanted and was very expressive to me of what she wanted. In that moment something inside of me began to change. Jayci’s short moment with me spoke to my spirit like nothing over the past few months have spoken to me."

Thank you so much Amber for the time and thought that went into something so precious to us. We love you and will ALWAYS treasure our "Jayci's Letter."

Sweet Jayci's Viewing

I had been looking forward to this day since Sunday when I got to see her for the first time. I wanted everyone to see what I saw the first time I got to look into her face. First off, Peace! I wanted everyone to know that she was happy. You could tell by that cute little smirk on her face that is exactly was what she wanted. The second thing I wanted everyone to see is that yes My Baby girl was perfect and looked like an angel. I remember vaguely a few times talking to people when they came to visit I would say "you need to go to the viewing and see how perfect she looks."

Today I can now look back and be grateful for the icy water that took my little girl. I am grateful for the way that it preserved her and kept her in perfect form. She had no bumps or bruises or any swelling. She looked absolutely like an Angel.

When it was time for the viewing to come around I wanted to get Ellie into the funeral home on our own so that we could spend one last quiet moment together as a family. Ellie had not seen her yet because I didn't know when the perfect time would be. Jeff felt like she needed to be fully dressed and looking as much like herself as possible. So around 4 o'clock we took Ellie in. Immediately she ran to her at her casket and grabbed her hand and started talking to her. After a few minutes she said "I want a chair so I can (talk or see) her better." ( I can't quite remember the exact wording.) So they went and got her a taller chair and sat it right next to the casket along with two shorter chairs for Layne and I. Ellie kept talking to her a hundred miles an hour. (And for some reason I can't remember what they talked about. I have tried and tried and prayed and prayed to remember but for those sacred moments I think Heavenly Father wants them to be left alone and I'll remember at some other time for the importance of our family. So those memories are ones that will stay with us.)

As Layne and I were sitting there crying and watching as they talked to each other Ellie would see that we had tears in our eyes, she would hop right out of the tall chair she was sitting in, go and get each of us a Kleenex and then pop right back up in her chair and not miss a beat in talking to Jayci. I can remember the warmth and peace of our Father in Heaven as my daughters communicated with each other. It was as if Jayci was sitting and laughing with Ellie just like she used to do all the time at home. I couldn't help but think that this isn't fair. That Ellie should still have her best friend right by her side and we shouldn't even be sitting in this funeral home having to let these sisters interact this way.

Ellie never shed one tear. She was so brave and knew matter of factly as she would tell Layne and I. "Don't worry Mom and Dad, Jayci's spirit is still with us and will always be in our heart." I know with out a doubt that this is true. She always tells me that we will see her again and that she is happy. I see Ellie doing things just as if she would if Jayci was sitting right next to her, pulling her hair or making silly faces. I can vaguely hear my sweet baby Jayci's laugh from a distance. It was always loud and defiantly her own.

So after about 30-45 minutes Ellie said "Mom, Dad I'll sit here and watch Jayci while you guys go out to the pickup and get her stuff. I know she isn't going to move." We laughed and said Okay. So while we were out getting the stuff we came back to the door way and watched as Ellie held her hand and talked to her and kissed her on the forehead over and over. The bond that those two little girls have is so inspiring to me. After just a few short minutes of this precious time we walked back in and Ellie says," Jayci's fine Mom she didn't even move."

We got the tables all sat up and ready for the viewing to start. Our families started trickling in. We wanted everyone to have one more quiet moment with her before the actual viewing started. I loved watching everyone kiss her gently and speak quietly in her ear. I know my family didn't know her as well as Layne's but the love is all the same. And maybe a little harder on them because they didn't' get to know her as well. But all the same both families love and miss my sweet baby girl.

At about 5:30 my family all came to me and said they were going to take Ellie and go out to eat so she wasn't starving through the whole thing so they left for awhile and came back. Thank goodness for my Mom when she got back she asked me what I wanted her to do and I said "Just be here." I needed her there for a quick squeeze and to stand close by to make sure I was okay. She is not a showy person at all and didn't want us to have to introduce her to everyone because that isn't the reason she or anyone else was there. I appreciate both of our families being there for us and supporting us in their individual ways. Layne and I were able to focus on everyone who was there for us and we were able to share OUR sweet baby with everyone one more time.

So about 5:30 is when the line started to come through. I was shocked and amazed about all the people that showed so much love and support for us. I remember looking out the door and seeing a line and wondering if it would ever end. There were SOOO many that came through I only remember a few, the whole night was a blur. It was so up and down and emotional for me that I can't help but look back on and thank everyone for the hugs and shedding tears with me because it is what got me through. I didn't want people to stand in line for ever so I felt like I kept moving down the line and hugging everyone and leaving Layne up by Jayci. He kept coming and pulling me right back to where I needed to be. I am so grateful for all the hugs and loves and mostly all the prayers that have been and are being said on our behalf. Right now, even today they are getting me through.

There was one moment that I will never forget that touched me more then words can even describe. And I'll share what I shared on facebook after that night when I got home....

It's Titled: Sweet Moments

I could not of asked for a better night. It was filled with love and heartache but also peace and tranquility. I love the innocence of little children. Some would come up to me and ask me the most blunt questions others would just shy away. But I'm so grateful for the little girl in the middle of the viewing that melted my heart. As her family was going through she tried to avoid me but I grabbed her and hugged her all the while she lost all control and broke out in complete sobs. This sweet little girl helped watch my Baby Jayci and loved her so much. As she started to cry the whole room went silent and I was able to feel my sweet girl wrap her arms around her and tell her it was going to be okay. I am so thankful for this gospel and the truth and light it brings to me during these hard hours. We are so blessed and can feel the love of the Savior in all that we are enduring right now.

The night quietly ended around 9:05 pm. Layne and I were the last ones to leave. We gathered up all our stuff and I just vaguely remember Layne leaning over and kissing Jayci on the forehead and saying "be good and don't get into to much trouble. I love you and I'll see ya tomorrow." Those are the moments I'm going to miss. Watching my sweet husband with her and how close their relationship was. As we walked out I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her. Again walking out of the funeral home hand in hand with tears streaming down our faces still in shock over how many actually loved us enough to come and support our little family!

This is a note that Greg shared on his facebook. He was able to go in and spend time with her all by himself and this is how he felt about it all....

It was titled: Beautiful Jayci

I saw her beautiful face today for the first time since I carried her from the water. I reached for her hand her tiny fingers still curved to fit perfectly around mine just as they did Saturday morning, Friday afternoon and many times before. Her hands and fingers were still cold and I found myself again longing to give her my warmth offering one last prayer begging to bring her back. My heart swelled with the warmth and love that comes only from a Father in Heaven, His spirit again confirming the truth of our eternal nature to me. I frequently pray that my hands may act for Him, that I may do for others as He would. Tonight I pray that for just one day, just those few moments that I stand before the many friends family and loved ones who will gather tomorrow to celebrate her life my voice may be His voice and that I may speak to them as He has spoken to me.

Letters To Jayci

When Layne and I got home from dressing Jayci we kicked everyone out of the house including Ellie. They all went and took Ellie to the movie "Rio". We asked them to do that so Layne and I could have a few hours alone to write a letter to Jayci that we wanted read at the funeral. I thought it would be very appropriate to add it to our blog so it can go in her "Remembrance Book." These are very sacred to us and I hope that you don't take them in any other context other then the love that we have for our sweet baby girl!

My Dear sweet baby Jayci.

Where do I even start, I am sitting in the house right now and it is so quiet, too quiet, I am so tempted to get up and go look to see if you are in the toilet or dumping the cat food out on to the ground. But I know you are not there.

Today I went to the dishwasher and lost it because I can never do the dishes till your napping or out for the night because you ate every nasty thing off the silverware and licked the plates clean, and I tell you every time how disgusting you are. Now when I think of disgusting I think of perfect. I will have many other moment like this but I’m so grateful to have them because no matter what you did it was always on the floor right at my feet.

I know you were the way you were because you needed to leave your mark. You needed to leave an impression on people no matter where you went. You needed to come and make me a better mom. To take 5 more seconds before I lose it. You needed to come to give me comic relief. At the time you did everything I don’t necessarily think it was for comic relief because you left me frustrated but now I love and appreciate it for what it was. I’m so grateful that I can think of you and a smile comes to my face.

Jayci I love you more than words can ever say. I love when I would say bite you would put your fingers in your mouth and bite yourself until I laughed. I love when we sat at the dinner table and you would give us” the look” over and over until we were all laughing hysterically, including yourself. I love that you never left anything on your highchair tray, it was always clean when I came to clean you up but the floor was always a mess. I love that when you took a bath you and Ellie took one together, except on rare occasions. I loved that when you did take a bath you tortured your sister the whole time and always loved to help me scrub her hair. I love when you woke up in the morning you always woke up with a smile and wanted to be held for 2 seconds and had to be put right down so you could go find Ellie. I love that your very first instinct was to go get dad and I’s glasses and hide them. I love your teeth. And more importantly I loved that crooked smile with those big ol gaps. I love that when we left you somewhere and we returned you always came running with open arms. And I’m so glad that you had big brown eyes just like me. They touched my soul and will never be forgotten. But, most importantly I love that you are mine forever and I get to live with you again.

But your biggest love of all (besides me your dad and your sister) was water. You would of lived in it if I would of let you. It didn’t matter if it was the toilet, swimming pool, puddles, or rivers. You loved it. I cannot think of you without thinking of water. I know you were smiling your big toothy smile that night the whole way to the river and were so happy to finally get in, only to be lifted up by angels and be taken to our loving father in heaven’s arms.

Jayci I love you and I’m so glad I get to be your mom in this life and the next. May you continue touching the lives of those around you and always keep that famous toothy smile on your face.

I love you sweet baby girl.

Mommy

My Dearest Jayci,

First of all just know that I love you with all of my heart. I love you to the deepest core of my mind, body, and spirit.

Jayci, some of my favorite memories of you are when you would sit on my shoulders and lean around and give me kisses on my cheek and think you were so funny. I loved when I would come home and just barely open the door and I could hear your feet running as fast as they could to come and see me and tell me “hi”. And then would wait for me to pick you up so we could look out the window and look at the “moo’s”. I loved the way you wanted to ride on the motorcycle and the faster we went the better, than screamed when it was time to get off. But most of all Jayci I loved when I could put you to bed and you would lay in my arms with your bottle and look at me with your beautiful brown eyes and I would kiss you on the forehead and tell you goodnight and that I loved you. And I would lay you down and you would look at me and wave. Jayci I love you and always will, you will live in me forever with memories that we have made together and I will cherish these memories forever.

So goodnight and I love you, Dad.

Dressing Baby Jayci

As Layne and I were driving into the funeral home, I had some serious butterflies. I was so excited to get to see her again and maybe get the opportunity to hold our little girl one last time.

When we walked into her room, the shock consumed us again for just a second. It was still so hard to see her laying still and not moving. As I walked in I went right up to her and pulled the blanket down so we could see all of her again. Amy, Jeff's wife was there to help us get her dressed but Layne and I wanted to take a little more time watching her and sitting with her. We weren't quite ready to get her dressed so she left us and let us have as much time as needed. We held her hand and talked with her and felt her in our presence. It was almost as if she was sitting right there talking back with us. I had felt peace but nothing like this, just knowing she was right there with me telling me she was in a perfect place sitting on our Heavenly Fathers lap. We also had Kenna come in and take pictures of us holding her hands and her tiny fat feet.Those chubby things are something I never want to forget. (THANK YOU) I know that was not easy for her because she is one of my dearest friends and knows the heartache that I am going through but I am so thankful for her talents and I know she will preserve them well for me.

As I watched Layne with our sweet baby girl I couldn't help but think how he is going to be forever changed. I know it was going to be for the better and I know our committment to live with our daughter again was stronger then ever before, we will do everything in our power to do everything that is asked of us, BIG or small. Knowing that we have been sealed for time and all eternity is the biggest blessing that has ever been given. Now it is our responsibility and free will that will get us right back to Baby Jayci's loving embrace. I know with out any doubt that families can be together forever. We have been blessed with having the ability to be a Mother and a Father on this earth to one of Heavenly Fathers most perfect and precious children. I am grateful for the knowledge that this is all part of the plan and that Layne and I have been deemed worthy to have a daughter that was so perfect that she was able to go directly to the Celestial Kingdom.

I need to explain the clothes that we choose to bury Jayci in. Many of you have read through my blog and have figured out that she is a WILD CHILD, sitting still was not an option and playing outside is what she did best. So when Layne's Aunt came over and asked if we wanted to order a fancy dress from "One Small Child". I had gotten online and looked and asked Layne what he thought. We both decided that burying her in her Easter Dress was the only way to go. For some STRANGE reason I bought her a "white" dress with big bright flowers on it. I felt it was very fitting for her at the time and was so grateful that we took the time to buy both of our girls Easter Dresses. A few weeks after we bought them I let them wear them to church. And wouldn't you know it the frilly white sweater I bought to go with the dress were stained something awful. As soon as I set that little girl down she was on a dead run to the grass and the sandbox. Of course she climbed right in the sand box and started digging and then played with Pete the cat and Tank (our St Bernard), after that she went in and ate with her dress on and we all know how that went. So we found burying her in her dress was very fitting for her. There was a reason I bought it and I wish you all would of been able to notice the stains on her sleeves. To me they were priceless. (Back to dressing her)

After about fourty-five minutes Amy came back in to help us get her dressed. Now as I was trying to get everything put on she put up a big fight just as if she was right there with us. We first started with the onesie. It was an 18 months and figure it would fit. HA. That kid grew and gained so much weight in the last few weeks that she was moving so fast I never even noticed. We had to stretch that puppy up over her shoulders and stretch at the bottom to get it buttoned up. We giggled and laughed about how chubby she had gotten. So the next thing to go on were her tights. Now I know I had just put them on her the previous Sunday to go to church and I know they were pretty big on her. Well, not today. The crotch of them hung clear down to her knees. Again we were stretching and pulling as much as we could to get them to a normal spot with out tearing them. Let me tell ya it was a CHORE...But what I loved most about this part was her chubs hanging over her tights. It was still the cutest thing I had ever seen. So then it was time for the Dress, mind you it was 24 months and I thought she was just barely fitting into that size. Guess again. I pulled that dress up and wouldn't you know it I couldn't even get the back buttoned up. So she had her back open and we just left it like that. I was not even going to try and stretch that out. Of course Layne was holding her up the whole time as I was finagling all these cloths on her. So he held her up again so Amy and I could get her perfectly cute stained sweater on. That she didn't put up a fight on because she loved to have a jacket on at all times. If she saw me put my shoes on she was on a dead run to her room to get a coat so we could go "BY". Next it was the bottoms and Layne and I both put those on and pulled them up. They kinda hung down in the crotch because again the tights.... So last it was those dangdable shoes. I had just bought them for her to go with her Easter dress, and do you think I could get them on her. I THINK NOT!!! I literally was PRYING them on her feet. Squeezing with all my might and practically pounding them on. And FINALLY got them on. Oh she is a Beast. I know she was up in heaven laughing hysterically because she was getting in her last battle with Mom and Dad.

So she was finally dressed and looked like an angel. She was almost completely done but we had to do something with that hair. Seriously it was so pretty and flowing above her head. NO AND NOT that is not her. It was always ratty and perfectly messy. I tried to comb it and do it nicely but she would never have it. She pulled every bow out and tried to pull ever rubber band out. When I would do her hair I would sit her in the sink and give her the toothpaste so she could eat it and it kept her occupied while I tried to tame that hair of hers. So we sat back and looked at her and realized that this was not going to do. So I WENT TO TOWN RATTING AND RATTING. I tried to pull it down by her face and rat and rat some more. I would look up at layne and ask how about this? and he would say nope not yet. Of course we were laughing the whole time but after 2o min of ratting I think we finally had the messy ratty look we were going for. Now for the flower. Jayci absolutely with out a doubt HATED having anything in her hair EXSPEICALLY a bow. I finally gave up when she was a year old because by the time we had made it to the car it had been thrown on the ground, and when I would open the van door she would just look up at me with that cheese smile that read. "yep I got it out now what are you going to do about it." I would always thump her on the head and laugh and say "FINE you win." OH she was always so dang proud of her self. So when we layed her to rest I WAS GOING TO GET THE LAST LAUGH and make her have a flower in. So while we tried to put it in, we could not get it to stay. WE TRIED EVERYTHING. Finally we had to take the flower apart and put the lights ones on possible. It took us forever to get that stinkin thing bobbypinned in but we did it and she looked perfect. Messy hair, Bright Dress and a smirk on her face that would melt anyones heart.

After she was all done Layne said the only thing he really wanted was a lock of her hair. This turned out to be the biggest pain because of course she was laying on her back and I coudln't get a good enought grip or anything tied off so Amy asked Layne to pick her up and he took her over to the chair and snuggled her while I tried to get a chunk of hair. After 5 minutes of trying to tie a piece off I finally cut the biggest chunk out of the back of her head. It was that piece that always had a rat and with ALL SEVEN of her hair cuts we couldn't get. But in that last hour I finally succeeded and I now Have it in her box with her hands and her feet molds. We haven't even looked at those molds since we got them but I am so grateful to have them. I was so grateful for the Rasmussens and their love that was shown towards my daughter.

While Layne was sitting there holding Jayci, Amy left us alone and let us have as much time as we wanted holding her. I know it was one of those moments in my life I will never forget. Watching my husband cuddle our little girl one last time on this earth. It was a moment where their souls joined together and I know she was whispering in his ear how much she loved him and will miss him until they meet again. I know she told him to do his best so we could be together as a family once again. I watched as my husband stuck his face in her chest and sobbed and ached to have his little girl back and also knowing he was so grateful to have her in his arms because we could still be looking for her this day. After he was done for the time being her asked if I wanted to hold her I of course laughed and said Yes... Well what I didn't know was that she was going to be sooo heavy. I know that through the process things are done to preserve her body but it was actually hard for me. I loved that little girl and could pack her under one arm anywhere we went. I know she was there with me I could feel her wrapping her arms around me as she always did. I know she was smiling and saying take care of my sister and my Dad, be tough for them because they are going to need you through this time. I felt her opened mouth kiss on my cheek one last time and we just sat in silence. Layne had to help me hold her because I was to weak to keep her head up. I just sat and remember all the times my little girl would sit on my lap for a period of time and let me snuggle her. It was very often but for never long periods of time. So for me to hold her this way it was a rare occasion. When I was done holding her and have my time her Daddy wanted her back one last time and he kissed her and told her how proud he was of her and how much he loved her. Then it was time to lay her back down and cover her up. We both kissed her goodbye and told her we loved her and told her to be good for Jeff and Nick because they were being so kind to her.

So we walked out of the funeral home hand in hand with tears streaming down our faces. Oh how we are going to miss our sweet baby Jayci.

A quote I put on facebook: This afternoon I got to hold Jayci. It definatley wasn't the same as packing her under one arm and trying to keep Ellie moving. But it was sweet. She put up a good fight to get her shoes on and hair done but in the end I won. She looks absolutely like herself. I love that little girl more then words can say. She is an Angel!

Monday April 25, 2011

I woke up this morning feeling so much peace after just spending a few hours with my little girl. I knew that I had to sit down and work through the obituary because Jeff needed it by one. So I got up at 6:30 a.m. and headed out the door to sit on the step and converse with my Heavenly Father. I think he got an ear full and I shed lots of tears but I needed him to know that this wasn't fair and that I wanted her back but for some reason I knew this was the plan....

So I went into the dining room and sat at the computer. I said a little prayer in my heart that my words would be perfect and would come from my heart... So This is what I came up with through many tears and a lot of peace:

Our sweet baby girl was called home to her Father in Heaven way to early on April 22, 2011. She was called home to touch the lives of thousands here on earth and be an example on the other side. He needed somebody that was feisty, unpredictable, loving, and perfect. Jayci’s last and best adventure is where her life on earth ended, swimming with the angels.

Jayci was born on December 1, 2009 to her eternal parents Layne and Krissy Darrington and big sister, best friend, and partner in crime, Ellie June. Jayci was full of life and always one step ahead of you. She had a perfect obsession and love for the water, where ever it was she was there also.

Jayci Lillian will never be forgotten and live on, in our hearts, forever.

Jayci Lillian is survived by her parents Layne and Krissy Darrington and big sister Ellie June Darrington. Her Grandparents Val and Teresa Darrington (Declo, Idaho), Gayla and Fred Hough (Orofino, Idaho), and Dana Lott (Kamiah, Idaho). Her Great-Great Grandparents Jay and Lillian Nielsen (Twin Falls, Idaho), Bob and June Tyler (Rupert, Idaho), and Glenn and LaDawn Clark (Buhl, Idaho). She is also survived by many Aunts and Uncles that loved her more than anything.

She will be greeted in heaven by Marcine Weeks, Great Grand Parents Leroy and Minnie Darrington, Demar Lott, and Robert Cotten with so many others right there beside them.

While writing the obituary it was so surreal! Who really thought that I would be writing about my baby girl. Aren't your kids supposed to bury their parents? Well, when Layne got up we thought we would sit down and finalize the program. We weren't quite sure who was going to give the "celebration of Jayci's life". I knew all along that it was going to have to be one of my friends that knew me and knew of my unconditional love and at the same time the frustrations of my little girl. It came down to two choices. The one, she knows who she is, can't even say hi to me right now with out crying so i didn't think she would be able to keep herself together which I totally understand. She had a love hate relationship with Jayci so she was a little close to the situation. So Robbie it was. I had her name in my mind the whole time. I wanted her to do it because it needed to be humorous because that is Jayci and at the same time it needed to be compassionate. So put it all together and you get Robbie. She is a very good friend to me and has also been through a similar experience through losing one of her own prematurely. When I suggested this to Layne he was a little hesitant but there was no one else. Not everyone knew my heart as a mother or knew how much my child was a feisty little thing... We wanted the funeral to be happy and uplifting. So we called her over and of course she was at a loss for words but said "Okay."

The talk we felt completely had to be Greg. There was no other person for the job. As much as we are grieving and going through things so are they... Not to mention he and Jayci now have a special connection. And I wanted everyone to hear the story from his perspective. So of course he was happy to talk. In fact, he said he had the feeling we were coming all day and would be honored to do it. While we were there we asked Eric if he would play a song. He is an amazing musician and since the accident had been practicing a song. After hearing him play it, I knew it was the perfect song. It is one of my favorite songs of all time. ("Come Thou Font of Every Blessing.")

Today was another one of those busy days. Thank goodness after everything happens there is always something to keep you busy and you never have time to sit and feel bad... Apparently the grieving happens after the funeral. I miss my little girl and definitely had my moments. Well, after I called Jeff and told him all of our decisions we had to go to the cemetery and look at available spaces. So we bought six plots right next to each other. We now have our own plot and will be buried right next to our daughter. Right when we were done with that we went to the flower shop and and had to pick out our flower arrangement for the casket and also get the boutinears. I knew Ellie would fill special if she had one too so I ordered her a wrist bouquet. It was super cute.

The rest of the day was spent visiting with family and friends and time alone together as a family!

First sight of my Heavenly Angel

"This little Mama got to spend time with her sweet baby angel last night and she couldn't have looked any more like herself. With that cute little smirk on her face that just read "I just did something bad and I got away with it." I still am broken but a little bit of piece was found. I love you sweet baby girl. Help me through this....."

Quote from Facebook morning after getting to see Jayci for the first time since the accident.

All day Saturday and all day Sunday I was so impatiently waiting to see baby Jayci. I just wanted to make sure it was really her and take make sure no harm was done. And really, I didn't know what to expect but I just wanted to see her. I ached for her and knew those two days were hard. I just wanted to hold my baby girl one more time and tell her how much I loved her. I remember the very last second that I saw her sitting on the stairs at Kari's. I kissed her, put her down, and let her go. I of course was in a hurry and told both of them I loved them. As I was headed out the door I turned at exactly the same time Jayci did and we made eye contact and smiled at each other. She was so happy and now I think of that smile ALL THE TIME.... I know she was happy when she went. I knew she had finally got what she wanted. The previous weekend, before this happened, we had an Easter Egg Hunt at Uncle Mark and Aunt Verla's and it took all I had to keep her away from the water. (They also live on the river) She fought me ALL DANG DAY!!!

So as I was wondering what she looked like again I remembered our very last smile to each other. As we were driving in Layne and I were still in shock. I would say it's the first time I had butterflies in my belly. I didn't know if it was because I was excited or the unknowing. I just knew it was going to be bittersweet. As soon as we walked in the door Jeff pulled us into a private room and sat and talked with us awhile. I remember most everything we talked about but for the most part it was just that she looked so perfect and wished that it didn't' have to be like this... So he guided us to her room where she was laying on a gurney with just a diaper on and had the blanket that was first wrapped around her as they pulled her from the river wrapped around her and all we could see was her angelic face and long curly hair.

As we first opened the door it was a SHOCK... first of all just seeing her sit still that long was shocking. I just kept waiting for her to jump up like this was some sort of joke. As we got closer I of course was having a melt down but Jeff put his arms around us and walked us to the table. He tried explaining all the little spots and why the upper lip was a little darker then the rest. He wasn't sure if we wanted to see her whole little body and of course I pulled the cover completely off so I could see that perfectly chubby little girl from head to toe. She lived in a diaper so it was nothing new to me. If fact, that is probably how she would of preferred to be layed to rest.... But I just remember standing by the table and smiling. She looked soo perfect. No swelling, no marks, Angelic. The first thing I noticed was, seriously, the smirk on her face that read, " I got what I wanted now what are you going to do about it." The same smirk I got almost everyday of my life. Of course I laughed and cried and kinda chewed her out a little bit. Then I went to those long eye lashes that she was just learning how to wink and they would just melt your heart. Of course we gave into her all the time because she used those as a weapon. I only wished one more time that I could see her "teeephs" We loved that crooked, gapped teeth smile. And she used them on a daily basis. To Eat or Bite it didn't really matter. The only thing that wasn't her was her hair. If you knew my sweet little girl, her hair was long and always a mess. I put it up in piggies and it never failed it was always standing on end with just a little bit of curl at the end. But as she was laying on the table her hair was perfectly in place and curled up at the ends. I'll never forget her pop belly hanging over her diaper and her perfectly sweet and chubby hands. This is going to sound so awkward, but I loved her cute little chubby chest we always used to tease her about her chub boobs.... it still makes me laugh. So I then moved down to her cute chubby knees. I know I'll never forget what they looked like because they look just like mine. We have no shape just chub. and then her huge feet with half painted toes... Her body was in perfect form and I was so comforted to know that there was no harm done to her body that night in the river. She was kept in perfect form. I don't think I could have handled if it weren't. We were so lucky that the river was cold enough to preserve her body. No swelling or rub marks of any kind. She was an ANGEL!!!

Now as time went on Jeff left us with her to talk with her and just be with her. We talked to her. We talked about her. And Layne and I shared some of our most treasured moments with her in that room that night. It was just us and I know she was with us the whole time. We could feel her near and knew that she was looking out for us. Trying to keep us comforted and letting me know that this is the way it was suppose to be. I know that is hard to imagine. But when I saw her face. I KNEW.... it was her time to go. I love my little girl more than anything I miss her loud, fiestyness in my home. But I know her mission is not over.

So around 6 our immediate family came and had their time with her. They all felt she looked just as beautiful as we thought. My Mom made the comment to me "She looks like she is already wearing a halo." I felt the same way. She seriously looked like an angel. Dad (Val) said I have never seen her hair so nice and pretty in her whole life. I laughed because it is soo true. Oh how we all loved that little girl so much.

After everyone left Layne and I had to make all those funeral arrangements and of course we had talked about it but really didn't come up with a solution to them all but had a pretty good idea of how it was going to go. We took the papers home that night and after everyone had left we discussed it for a few minutes and the plans were set. My goal for the next morning was to write the obituary. Jeff said put it in your own words and let it come from the heart.

So one more time before we left we went and spent another 1/2 to 1 hour with her and just sat in silence and enjoyed our sweet baby girl. The spirit was so strong and I know with out a doubt that my sweet baby was there with us through all the emotions that we had to feel. We went home and felt so much better after seeing our sweet baby girl and just knowing she looked perfect.

(Jayci I love you sissy and miss you more then you'll ever know. Today I miss your smell and the way you destroyed everything you touched. You will always be near and never too far away.... LOVE YOU Sweet Baby Girl)

Easter Egg Hunt

Sunday afternoon we went over to Val and Teresa's and Uncle Alan and Darla came and fed us all a WONDERFUL Easter Dinner. I of course didn't eat much but what I did have was fabulous. I told my family to meet us at my house around 2:30 and we would have our Easter Egg Hunt. Ellie wasn't quite sold on the idea as she has argued with me on everything since the accident but when she saw that Ava was into it she was all over it because it was a race. I spread the eggs out everywhere so it would be fair. They had a good time but for me, my mom and sisters it was really bittersweet. We just sat and watched them the whole time bawling our heads off. I could of just imagined Jayci out there knocking them over and not caring about the eggs but just that the chase was on. We sure missed her at this time and will always continue to miss her. Thank goodness I can feel her all the time.

Easter Morning

One of my dear sweet softball girls brought this willow tree figurine over to my home on Saturday. As I opened it my heart ached for this baby girl. To have this perfect sweet baby back in my arms. I am so thankful for the examples my "other" girls are to me. They are all feeling my pain and also mourning with me. I am eternally thankful to be a Daughter of God and know that I get to be with my baby girl again. Isn't this the sweetest thing ever. It is a constant reminder to me that she is always with me.

(As I look at this picture on my piano now I only see my Jayci conversing with the Savior to watch over and protect her family. She is perfect and I will be able to be with her again.) Jesus loves the little children!

Easter morning was obviously really hard. I only wish that morning I would of wrote down exactly how I was feeling because my heart was full.

"So Broken on this Easter Morning. So grateful for the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ not only did he die for our sins, but feels of every heartache and burden! Oh Heaven Help this Family!"

This is a post I put on facebook Easter Morning. Before all the hussel and bussel of getting things ready for the Easter bunny I had to take a few hours to myself to reflect upon the Savior and all that he has done for me. I know it was alot and I know he suffered more than our minds could ever comprehend. But he also felt all of our own heartache before we ever knew it would be our own. It's so much easier for me to go to him in prayer knowing that he has felt what I feel. No one knows your heart as well as the Savior. We have been given trials that we choose in the preexistence. I know when Layne and I stood in front of the Savior he asked us if we could handle losing this perfect child and I said I could but we couldn't do it alone. So Greg and Kari raised their hands and said "we will help ease their burden." I know this to be true. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and everyone else more then words can describe. How awesome for me to know that my Daughter is sitting/tormenting our Heavenly Father right now as she is waiting for me to Return again and be with her so I can continue raising her from where her life on Earth ended. Oh how sweet it is to know that I have an angel watching over us all the time.

My dear friend Robbie (which you'll hear more about her later) posted this on her facebook page and I couldn't of said it better myself.

"Some very dear friends lost their baby girl last night, and many families have been affected by this tragedy in our community. This Easter, I've been reminded, once again, that eggs and bunnies aren't nearly as important. The fact that Jesus Christ died and LIVES- and that families really can be forever- is what I am truly grateful for today."

April 23, 2011

Testimony
24 hours ago I stood waist deep in the frigid river waters the crispy morning silence broken only by the scolding of two Geese who knew I didn't belong there. I held close the tiny tabernacle of of a beautiful daughter of God, having seen in the night the moment that angels escorted her spirit back to our Father in Heaven and knowing just where to go to find her I held her tight praying for strength to make the phone call and finish what I had been called to do. This morning I returned to my river for quiet for peace to commune with my Father. This morning again my two companions came out from the banks only not to scold me but to show me their testimony of Life of Love of Easter, their new family closely behind them revealed to the world to me for the first time this Easter Morning. I know my Savior lives, I pray for Lane and Krissy, for their family for our community for me.

These are the words of the most courageous and loving man who found my daughter Saturday morning in that very cold, fast flowing river. As I was riding in the car with Val and Teresa I felt two things ANGER and PEACE. I was more upset at the peace part because how could I be so calm, knowing that this is what was meant to be. I know why I was angry, I WANTED MY BABY GIRL BACK. I thought about how our Heavenly Father felt the night Jesus Christ suffered on the cross. The pain as a parent he must of been going through because in that very moment it was so hard for me. As we pulled upon the scene where Jayci was found I was looking frantically everywhere to find her. Who was holding her so I could scoop her up in my arms. As I got out of the car a very nice diver/volunteer walked up to me and said she is in here. I walked over to the police car and lost all control. All I could see was this pile of blankets sweetly wrapped around Jayci from head to toe, except her crazy hair which was poking out the top of the blanket. I knew it was her and just wanted to get in so bad to hold her and tell how sorry I was and how much I loved her. I looked over at the guy and said "can I hold her" and he said "I'm sorry but you cannot." I cannot even describe the devastation I felt in my heart. The longing to hold her one more time. I didn't care what she looked like or what the situation was. I just wanted to grasp that chubby little hand one more time to know for sure that she knew I loved her with every fiber of my being. As I stood staring at that crazy baby hair with my head leaning against the window. I felt so bad for that volunteer who had to tell me know. He was trying to hold it together but wanted to fall apart. As A parent I'm sure he knew the yearning of my heart. In the mean time I turn around and found my husband in a heap of mess in the gravel pleading for his baby girl. I felt so bad for him and was SO worried about him. I completely felt helpless.

As the coroner came over he asked me a few question and wanted to know a little bit more about the situation. He said how sorry he was. EVERYONE SAYS how sorry they are. But at that point I knew but still wanted my Baby Jayci back. A few minutes later as we were waiting for the funeral director to come and get her. I found myself helpless. I couldn't go to my husband because he was in the car grieving for his baby girl like I have never seen in my whole life, and everyone else was standing there staring at what I was going to do. And do you know what I felt. PEACE!!! I knew where she was and how she got there. I imagined her little smirk on her face as the angels helped her to that river and she went in just as those angels carried her up to our Loving Heavenly Fathers arms and he held her as I would all the while watching as her parents grieved her loss.

Jeff Rasmussen pulled up to the scene with Nick and they looked over everything and talked to the coroner and then asked us to come over. If they were not going to let me hold her I felt like Layne and I needed to be the ones to hand our sweet baby girl over from the police car to Jeff's loving arms. As they wrapped Jayci in a perfectly white sheet Nick placed her in Laynes and mine arms. As they pulled her out of the car her hair went everywhere and my sweet husband lost all control that he had. I was grateful for that hair that flopped out because it was hers and it was calming to me. As we both had our hands on her and handed her over into Jeffs loving arms as he was sitting in the van he called each of us over one at a time and hugged us and told us she was in his protection now and would be perfectly taken care of. He also said he would hurry as quickly as he could so we could come and see her again. As he was carrying her in his arms and they were trying to get out of there as quickly as they could because by this time the search teams were starting to show up again and he felt like that moment didn't need to be seen by many others. As I watched her drive away in a van that was not our own knowing my life would never be the same. I WAS BROKEN!

On the drive home it was quiet besides the sweet sobs from my dear sweet husband. I just could not get out of my head how grateful I was that they found her. Oh, I know with out a shadow of a doubt that we could still be looking for her this day and could possibly never have found her again!
But we had and she was safe in the loving arms of our funeral directors Nick and Jeff.

When we got home we sat in silence for probably an hour and I told my sisters to give us time before they come over I needed those quiet moments to pull myself together and sit with my husband. As my sisters got there I crumbled in their arms. I was so eternally grateful for my sisters to be there. There is nothing like hugging your sisters and knowing they are feeling my pain. As the day went on I had visitors and so much food brought in I didn't know what to do with it all. I loved all the hugs and the concern for my husband and I and our sweet Ellie.

There was not any other comfort that I felt that whole time until my Mom pulled into the drive way and I cried and sobbed in her arms. I know as my mom she felt my pain because our hearts are one. I am so grateful for my mother in law as well for being their for us. And keeping us comforted as well. I hugged my brother and other sister and was so thankful that they were all able to be there for Layne and I and to mourn with us. Our day of visitors and food did not end until 10:30p.m. to say I was exhausted was an understatement. I was grateful for all the love and support but was so thankful for the quietness that nighttime brought. I was grateful to kneel as a family and pray to our Father in Heaven all of the desires of our hearts along with all the pain we were feeling, knowing he has never left our side from the time this incident started. I was able to take some medication and fall asleep with no problems and was left dreamless with restless sleep!

My Darkest Hours

That night as I cuddled with Ellie on the couch clutching her with all my might. I was a broken Mom. I was empty and hurting and just flat out pissed off at the world. I kept asking myself "why did it have to be this way? Why my little beast who was so full of joy and had a perfect love for life?" I wanted to be mad at someone but there was no one to be mad at. I knew it was suppose to be but I didn't know why? I tried to lay down but was physically sick I had to keep upright. I would doze off for two seconds and I was freezing. Freezing with the thought of knowing that my beautiful baby girl was in that frigid cold water and I knew she was just cold. I cried and layed in the burning hot tub just trying to keep warm. If I was warm then I prayed that she would be warm also. I went back and forth from throwing my guts up to laying in the
tub just very unsettled. I wanted my baby girl back. I knew that she was in Heavenly Fathers arms but I just wanted her perfect body back. I knew that the search was starting back up at 9:30 a.m. I watched the clock 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. I just coudln't take it anymore. I got out of bed, got dressed and moved outside to watch the sunset. Layne had started to get up and get going around 7 and Ellie was wide awake ready to go find her sister. As I sat outside I heard the phone ringat 7:30 a.m. that exact time Layne's cell phone was ringing too. I came into to answer it and all I could hear Kari say was "We found her!" My heart dropped but at the same time wept with joy. I was so grateful to have her sweet body back. I remember asking her a few questions and I just remember her saying Greg put on his waiters and walked along the rive and found her with in half and hour of looking. Within mintues Val and Teresa were at our door to take us over and Aunt Darla was here to take Ellie so we could get a few things figured out. We were on our way to see our precious little girl.

I added the picture of the sunset because it was the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen over the river that night and the most beautiful sun rise. I will never look at sunsets or sunrises again. I look forward to them on a daily basis. A simple reminder of My Beautiful Bright eyed Baby girl! How I yearn to have her in my arms just one more time.

Glimpses of a few friends searching for Jayci

Titled: Jayci Lillian
from my friend Melissa Silcock
I have been dreading writing this post. I feel it is necessary and something I want to keep in my blog book forever. My good friend, Krissy and her family lost their little girl this last weekend in a tragic accident. I have no words to even describe the way I feel and this community feels. When Robbie called me to tell me that Jayci was missing and to get down to the house she was last seen at, my first thoughts were, "well, that is Jayci." I didn't know her as well as I should have. I am good friends with her mom and when all of us friends get together, we tend to prefer it without our kids. You know, some quiet time. So sometimes I feel like I know my friends really well, but go a long time without seeing their kids. I did keep Jayci one time for Krissy and I remember that she just cried and cried. I was trying to cook dinner, so I had to cook it with her on my hip. The one thing I knew Jayci for was her wild hair! She had the prettiest dark, curly hair and it was crazy!! I always loved the stories Krissy would tell us and put on her blog about Jayci. They called her "the beast" if that tells ya something. She was a typical 16-month old...always into everything...and always busy, busy. I would always see Layne with her out in the hallway at church and he would just be following her around, wherever her little legs would take her. This experience has been horrible, devastating, and amazing all at the same time. Krissy and Layne have been soooo great during this whole ordeal. They understand that it was a part of a plan that we don't quite understand yet. Krissy has been a support and an example to each of us. I am always so down when I am constantly thinking about it during the day, and when I go visit her and see her..I feel better. I know that they are suffering and that we cannot comprehend what they are going through. But they are staying strong and I am so glad that I have been close enough to Krissy to witness this firsthand. It has changed me, as well as everyone in our little community. That night when we were looking for Jayci, there were sooo many people there and it seems like people just kept showing up throughout the night. I mean, hundreds of people and a lot of people who were there had no idea who Krissy, or Layne, or Jayci were, but they were there helping. As I was walking and looking, I was kind of on a hill and I could see all of the people who were scattered all around looking for her and it was amazing. I heard the search planes above my head and I actually got chill bumps on my arms when I thought about the love and support this community shows to one another. People can knock small towns all they want, but there is no way I would EVER live anywhere else. Jayci will be missed and we all will feel a little bit emptier because she is not with us, but I know her parents will be supported throughout this and that our Heavenly Father will strengthen them. I am so grateful for honor and privilege I had of getting a little glimpse of heaven through Jayci. I have learned that life is short and that we should cherish every moment with our family and friends!!! Everyone please keep this wonderful family in your prayers.

Titled Jayci Lillian
from my friend Kenna Harris
I've thought of a hundred ways to word this and what it comes down to is my heart aches for one of my closest friends and her husband. A week ago today they realized every parent's worst fear in the loss of their sweet baby girl.Krissy called me last Friday morning and we chatted about dance stuff, easter weekend plans, and the day's plans. She coaches softball and they had a game that afternoon. She mentioned that Kari's kids (head coach) would be watching her girls. They live right next to my parents and I remember Krissy saying they'd have to watch Jayci around the river. She loved water. I almost thought to validate her concern and offer to watch the girls but I thought of the handful of older kids that would be there watching her and we moved on with our conversation.Chip and I had planned a trip to Twin to do a little shopping for the kids. We were halfway there when Chip's cell rang and he handed it to me with Robbie and Ben's name showing on the caller ID. I knew the minute Robbie started talking that something was wrong. She was upset but I heard the words Jayci, missing, and river and my stomach sank. We immediately turned around. As we pulled in the hundreds of people walking the river bank, the divers in the water, and planes flying over were all so surreal. This kind of thing only happens to other people, people on the news who's faces aren't familiar.They found Jayci's little body early the next morning.Jayci was such a busy little thing. So busy and so fast. She loved, loved the water and they figure she slipped out the door in a small window of time. Krissy and Layne have confirmation that is was her time and no body's fault. The loss hurts nonetheless. I think every parent tries to imagine when you hear such a story and the reality has to be many times harder. It gives everyone a stark reality check about how quickly life can change and just how short life can be. I've felt guilty this week when I've lost my patience with my own kids but I've tried to appreciate them more as well. My cousin's wife, Jess made this comment on her blog and it really touched me, "Love your babies. Hold them close tonight, because others are relying on our Heavenly Father to do so. Memorize their faces and their laughs. Breathe in their scent and smooth your hand over their cheeks. You need their grace to realize your own."I had the chance to tend Jayci the week before and I'm glad I got to enjoy that little person one more time. I've watched her in the past but I don't think I ranked up there among her favorite people because she was always so fussy with me but we had a good day that day. I remembered at the last minute that MaKendrie had a doctor's appointment. I sent Rig to Grandma's and off we went. I knew I'd be on the losing end of things if I had to keep up with both little girls so I buckled Jayci on my double stroller along with Ridge. We had a little bit of a wait in the waiting room and Jayci kept looking at me with her big brown eyes as if to let me know it wasn't fair that she was stuck in that dang stroller. I tried to keep her busy with peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake and she also kept busy giving the older couple across the room her big bright smile. When we made it to the exam room I felt brave enough to let her off the stroller. I worked up a sweat keeping those little ladies from dismantling the room before the doctor came. Thank you Krissy for letting me enjoy her sweetness that day. We'll miss her.

There will be a few more because I have asked some of them to share their words about their experience that night so I always have it to look back on! And if any one out there was there please leave a comment and share your feelings also. I don't remember much but I want to remember things like the plane flying over head and the beautiful sunset that set across the water. thank you.