Homecoming 2011

Since I worked at three o'clock in the morning on homecoming I didn't make as big of deal about it as I usually do. In fact I took my camera to take pictures and left the memory card at home. Thank goodness Kenna had her camera and took a picture of Ellie for me or else I would not of had a picture to document the year. Kenna also had her for the day so she got her ready for me and took her to meet up with the parade group. (Kenna has four kids of her own so to get all of this done is amazing to me. She is truly an amazing Mom and friend!) After the parade we went to the tailgate party and than to the game until half time. We than went home and got ready for bed. Since I worked at three the next morning Teresa came and got her and took her home for a sleep over. (Thanks Teresa for also helping me out SOOO much)

This year during homecoming I have had so many emotions running through me. First off Erica is a senior this year and I am still in shock that she is going to graduate and this is her last homecoming ever. It seems so weird to me that the little 12 year old girl that I met 6 years ago is now going to be a woman on her own soon. She has grown up to be such an amazing person and I look forward to watch as she goes into the next chapter of her life and see what she will do.. Not to mention get married in the next 5 years and give me some nieces and nephews... (Kelly and Brad I sure hope you have pulled through before that happens)

And Amanda is a freshman, she was once upon a time ago 9 years old and was so cute and little and now is taller than me. Not to mention becoming such a beautiful girl! Pretty soon it's going to be just her and her parents at the house and she is going to give them a good run for their money!!! NOT TO MENTION SHE HAS HER LICENSE. WATCH OUT WORLD! (just kidding she is a very good driver.)

And last night Layne and I were just talking about Jayci last year and how she was so excited to see her Daddy at the parade. He was working such long hours during harvest last year that he left before she got up and was home after she went to bed. She would not let anyone take her away from her Daddy and was in smiles the whole night. I know for him that was a moment he will never forget. A moment that he felt the unconditional love she had for her Daddy! Ever since she was a teeny tiny baby her Daddy was number one above anyone else in her book. (Except she did say Mama first.... just to keep me happy.)

I cannot believe how much my little Ellie has grown up in one year. She is still the sweet and EXTREMELY SASSY little girl she always has been! I'm pretty lucky to have two beautiful little girls no matter where they are at this very moment!

Potato Harvest (Alone in a cold,dark cellar.)

This is what I do all day everyday! I have really enjoyed it and will continue to enjoy it for the next 4-5 weeks! Even though I feel so guilty leaving Ellie for 12 hours on end with multiple people... (Thank you Teresa and Kenna) I have had a lot of reflection time. Some good and some not so good. Times when I am bawling so hard I can't even see and times I am laughing at all the memories we have had as a family with our little Jayci baby. I am so thankful for all the time I have spent blogging and writing down every good and bad thing that we have been through. I know I am not over the worst. I am still human and ache everyday but I'm having alot more better days then bad. I have had lots of alone time just talking with my Father in Heaven. Discussing with him the past and the future of my life. I know he is always with me and knows what is best for me and my family. Obviously, I know it is always going to be his plan and I have to be patient with that. It doesn't always mean that I have to like it but will do my best. I am thankful to know that the vail is close and that my daughter is in a perfect place. I love the fact that I don't have to worry about her anymore... She is perfect.....sitting on the right hand side of the Lord doing his work. I know that she is keeping herself busy until we can be with her again!

I am Thankful!!!

(This is a pillow I received in the mail today and the note said it was for us to have something to hold onto when we are missing her! I LOVE IT! It couldn't of come on a better day! )

Today started off as a good day. Since I have been working since 2 & 3 the past few mornings I was SOOO ready to sleep. Mark told me to stay home till I got Ellie ready where she needed to go so I went to bed last night at 8 and got up at 7:30 this morning. I didn't know why I felt so emotional why I kept tearing up while working. I soon looked down at my phone and realized what day it was. Five months have come and gone! I then realized it was my baby girl. She was with me and holding me up on what could of been a hard day. I love feeling her close and know that she is close to me.

I am so thankful for family and friends that are always thinking of us. I always feel guilty talking about Jayci but have realized that she is never forgotten. Some just don't know what to say and don't know how to bring her up but are always letting us know that they are thinking of us. I am so thankful for the texts, letters, and random gifts that we get. I appreciate the phone calls and random treats that are brought over. I love that my friends are constantly asking me how I am doing. I love that they care enough about my baby that they are comfortable about talking about her to us.

Mainly I am just thankful today. And I know that my baby girl knows how much she is loved and missed. I know she is always with us and never let's us forget her!!!

She's on my MIND!

I've got this little baby girl on the brain. As 5 months are approaching I can't help but smile and cry. Laugh out loud and yell out in anger. Mostly I miss kissing this chubby, beautiful little face!!!

I'm so glad that Ellie talks about her on a daily basis. With her around no one will ever forget that she has a baby sister named Jayci and did you know she likes to pull her hair and play in the toilet!!! :)

Time for Me!

I don't know if this is good or bad or even worth it but I am taking some time for me. I started working today and so far it's been pretty easy. I am running the potato piler for Mark, Kevin, and Brandt. I was thinking it would be a good time with my husband but I doubt I'll get to see him very much in fact probably less than any other harvest. I will be in a cold dark cellar enjoying endless hours of no brainer books and music.

The one thing I am not looking forward to is leaving Ellie everyday. I am going to be leaving her with a few different people and it will be a miracle if I keep our schedules straight. When and where she will be. I know where ever she is she will be loved and watched like a hawk. Even though I cherish her more now than ever before this Mom still needs time to herself.

So for the next few weeks... I'll be absent but keeping notes of thoughts that come to mind so I can remember the things that matter most.

What will I do with so much TIME???

Girls Night in Utah

We have been planning on going to Mary Poppins since May. Ellie and I have been looking forward to this for a long time. We went and ate at Tucano's. It was DELICIOUS!!! Ellie's favorite meat was chicken heart. Weird I know but she loved it and ate 2-3 helpings of it.

We then went to Mary Poppins. The previous day we borrowed Teresa's copy and watched it so Ellie knew what she was getting into. We talked alot about the MAGIC of Mary Poppin's bag and I was so thankful that they really made emphasis of it during the play by pulling out mirrors and plants. She was absolutely amazed by the magic. When part one of the play was over it was around 9:30pm. Ellie was D*O*N*E by ways of throwing herself on the floor and throwing the biggest fit I have seen in along time. Thank goodness for Jenna and brightening her spirits a little bit. By the time we got back to the hotel it was midnight and I had one exhausted girl. When we got home she talked non-stop to her dad about how Mary Poppins FLEW over Becca. It is a memory we will cherish forever!

Ballet is back and I have a SUPER Happy girl!

First Day of Pre-School

I love that we get to go to Kara-Alot-Preschool. Kara and I have become very good friends over the last year because of the things that we have been thru. A few months before I lost Jayci she lost her baby boy at around 26 weeks. I love visiting with Kara and enjoying our visits. I know now that it doesn't matter how you lose a baby/child the pain is still the same. She is so sweet and very good to my little Ellie. Thank goodness that people come into your lives at certain times because sometimes you wouldn't know what to do with out them.

Annual Wienie Roast with the Harris's

Last Sunday Rigdon was harassing Layne and I about having a wienie roast because his Mommy had a lot left over hotdogs from his birthday party and since we haven't done a wienie roast he figured it was time. So I asked Kenna if they wanted to come over and have a wienie roast. She was more than happy to bring the kids over and have FHE at our house. After the kids were done roasting hotdogs they decided it would be okay to go and play in our dirt pile with the water running. So you can only imagine what happens when kids are playing in a dirt pile with water..... Well see for yourself... They were so proud of themselves until it was time to wash them off with the hose... which led to Ellie going in the house and stripping all her cloths off then coming back outside thinking it was okay to be outside with no cloths on. Not gonna lie, it was a little awkward for her little buddy Rigdon!

I thought I'd be okay!

This morning as I was taking Ellie into pre-school I told myself everything was going to be okay. She was so happy to wake up this morning and have school and ballet. She actually got up an hour early and was out of control. She was so happy. So when I dropped her off I told myself I could do it. I could go home and be alone. But the worst part is. I can't.....

This is typically the only time that Jayci and I had alone time. I would spend these two hours entertaining her. As soon as I walked up the stairs at Kara's house I started to lose it. I got in the car and had to drive and the one place I ended up was the cemetery. I had to go be with her. it's typically our time alone so I just needed that moment alone with her today. It has been the first time that I have actually had that dry heaving puke feeling since the morning we found her. I remember that feeling so well and I can't make it go away this morning. I know she is near. I think she had to be close today because she knew it would be awful. I truly had no intentions on feeling like this. I had been preparing a little at a time to be alone while Ellie was at school but I had no idea it was going to be like this. Is REALITY really hitting me. I know it is just for this time on earth but for me that feels like FOREVER. I want to hold her and watch her grow. All I have are my memories and thank goodness for them. I hope with time I will be able to deal with this better but today it's not working. I know I have to go forward but today I don't want too....

I do have to say that I am so very proud of Ellie. As I went in with her this morning she was not shy and was ready to tell everyone how it is. I know she needs to do this and be a big girl but it's not easy for Mom to watch one get bigger all the while wondering how big the baby sister would be and if she would be talking non-stop or not. If her favorite word would be "no" just like her big sister. I miss every moment of every day not having her right here with me. Were suppose to all be here together.

Heglar Canyon

Yesterday we went up to visit the Darrington's while they were camping. We went up after church and had a super yummy dinner. It was a fabulous afternoon in the woods. I think our dog Tank had the best time. Did you know there is more trees out there than he can mark? He was in tree Heaven. G & G came up for the night so it was also good to stay and visit with them. Ellie had a fabulous time riding the prowler and taking "lessons" from Grandpa. She occasionally reminds me that in a few more "lessons" she'll be able to drive my car. YOU BET!

Funny story. On the way home we were visiting with Lani and saw something in the road Layne drove passed till he realized it was a snake. (He is deathly scared of snakes and if Lani wasn't with us he probably would of cried like a baby. But he was tough) He slammed on the breaks and ran over it back and forth, back and forth. Then he pulled to the side of it so I could see it cause I kinda like them. Well, it ended up being a rattle snake. SERIOUSLY freaked my sweet husband out. I wanted to take a picture of it so he pulled back and shined the lights on it. I got out and started throwing rocks at it and it started moving and coming alive again. Maybe they have nine lives who knows. Anyway Layne was let's just say screaming at me like a GIRL! I was laughing so hard because as you can tell it wasn't going to come and get me it was kinda smooshed but you would of thought it was going to kill me the way Layne was trying to pull me out of "harms" way. After I threw the last rock at it he hissed at me and then I was done. So Layne ran back to the pickup and ran over it again. Back and forth, back and forth.
SO FUNNY! In the meantime Ellie is still in the pickup FREAKING out and drawing the snake on my phone. The picture is of her and her SERIOUS face drawing the scary snake. Let's just say I laughed on the inside the whole way home. It did get kinda freaky but you would think my manly man of a husband could handle it but HE JUST DOES NOT DO SNAKES. If truth be told his Dad is even worse then him. It must be a genetic thing. But I love those Darrington men!

Is this not the sweetest thing you've ever seen?

Memories Remembered

These are a few things I wanted to remember about my Jacyi baby that have not ever been written down.

1. Since Jayci was 2 months old we always were fighting her breathing. She either made way more boogers than necessary or had a very small sinus canal. Either way it was always a big fight. I couldn't keep her nose cleaned out with a regular booger sucker and she seemed to always get nasal infections. So her doctor prescribed her an industrial booger sucker that worked wonders. It never ceased to amaze me the STUFF that would come out of that babies nose. It seemed to work wonders so I just kept it on hand. When the prescription would run out I would call the doctor and he would prescribe it again and again. I do have to say that I had this machine clear up until a few days after she passed away. Why remember this now: Well I was just in Ellie's room a few minutes ago and found the tube that went into Jayci's nose. You are not allowed to take those back and they always give you a new one each time you renew your prescription. This is just something that I never thought of importance it is just what we did on a daily basis and I never thought to write it down. I never knew a tube to a booger sucker could set me off. Or make me miss her so much. I still sometimes forget how much I ache until I really let it sink in. The thought still comes to my mind: Why her? Why Us? Why Ellie? It is not fair, in fact I hate it most days. Especially when I'm forced to put things away that should never have this kind of impact on me.

2. Driving up to Hagler Canyon Yesterday. As we were driving up to go visit the In-laws camping yesterday Layne reminded me the last time we were there he had to take Jayci home because she cried and cried and cried and wouldn't go to sleep. When they finally got home he layed her in her crib and gave her a bottle still wouldn't go to sleep and puked everywhere. By that time I'm sure it was three or four oclock and he was exhausted. After she threw up she fell right to sleep got up 3 hours later happy as a clam and they drove back up to camp. They got there the same time Ellie and I were getting up for the day.

(This is a picture of Jayci from that very camping trip!)

I'm sure at the time Layne was really annoyed and just wanted to scream but as he was thinking back to that day. Layne said he would do it over and over and over again. He misses her more than any of us and I ache for him. He is always trying to put Ellie and I first but I know deep down he is broken. Sometimes he let's me in and sometimes he doesn't but I know that is his way of dealing. Sometimes it's best that I don't really know the ache of his heart because I would hurt but I do know the emptyness he feels because we all do. Our life has changed so much because of that little girl and I pray that my husband will find peace someday. I hope Jayci is preparing our next little ones to be like her so we can catch just a glimpse of what she would of been. But mostly I pray that she is teaching them everything they need to know to melt their daddies heart, get under his skin and make him happy. But most importantly love their Daddy as much as she did.

Do you have Angels in Your Home?

(If any of you know my little Ellie you would know this is completely out of character for her. )

I found a few mischievous things done in my bathroom tonight:

1. A bouncy ball shoved down my drain with the plug back over the top so it "looked" like nothing was wrong.
(I go to wash my face and it wouldn't drain. So I looked closely and notice the drain is half-way sticking out. That's weird! I take the drain all the way out and notice a bouncy ball fit perfectly in the hole completely blocking off the drain. )
2. I go to use the bath room and find the toilet paper soaking wet.
(As I go to grab the toilet paper I find the spray bottle stabbed into the toilet paper completely empty... Hmmmmm then I remembered I filled it yesterday before we left to Twin. She had emptied the bottle of water into a brand new roll of toilet paper. AWESOME! )

I know this doesn't sound like much but these are things that she would NEVER do. She hates to get into trouble (unless she is arguing with me and that is a whole other story.) She hardly ever does anything out of the ordinary. So as I was telling Layne about this I said to him, "I wonder who has been prompting her to do these little things." (We both got a good laugh.)

Jayci,
Remember when I said please be your sisters angel. I didn't mean: Jayci, put ideas in Ellie's head to make her do subtle things to get under my skin like you used to do... Come to think of it, that is exactly what I need! I guess that one back fired didn't it?!
Love you!
Mom

A GREAT WEEKEND

Yesterday I talked to Layne and he suggested that we should go to Jackpot and eat the sea food buffet and maybe make an all nighter out of it. So I called Teresa and she was more than happy to take Ellie for the night so around 6 Layne and I headed out of town. I love that he wants to spend quality time with me especially since harvest is about to kick into full swing. We had a great time EATING... I am in love with food right now. I always tell everyone I don't care about my weight anymore because eventually I'm just going to get pregnant and fat anyway. But I will have to admit I out ate Layne last night. Espeically CRAB!!!! IT WAS A GOOD ONE! I have never ever done that but it was soooo good!

After we ate we decided to go back to Twin and ended up at the brand new La Quinta. I loved it. It had a very comfy country feel to it. After we got up around 8:30 a.m. we ran a few errands and came home.

And now we are sitting down watching the opening game of the season for the Boise State Broncos. I LOVE to watch them play it's probably the only team I can actually get Layne to watch every game with me. If it weren't for my love of football he'd probably care less. But it's something I love to do almost every weekend and thanks to a few friends of our we are going to go to TWO (count em) TWO home games... I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!

I just have to say that I love my husband. He has been so amazing. I know that we are both struggling right now but he seems to always make sure I am always at the top of his list. If he ever senses that I am having a rough day he comes home for lunch and lets me talk about it. The other day was really bad and he MADE me leave the house. As he was leaving he said I'll call you in 45 minutes you better be gone. So I got to go spend the afternoon with my friends and have a GREAT visit.

I am so thankful for the comforting spirit that I feel in my home and everyday happenings. I am grateful for the relationship I have with my Father in Heaven. I go to him OFTEN thanking him for an eternal marriage that unites my family FOREVER.