EXHAUSTED

After all the playing and wrestling little Ava CRASHED!!! It was so nice having her around to keep Ellie entertained. She was the best distraction for Ellie and kept her mind off the reality of what was really going on around her! What she didn't realize during Ava's visit is that when she went home she was going to be alone. And after the family left the reality of not having Jayci around took it's tool on my sweet little girl and all she wanted was to have her sister back again! Thank goodness that we have always been able to talk and Ellie is not afraid to talk about Jayci and discuss what happened and how she feels about everything. As a mother it is not always easy to hear her inner heart come out and her true concern.

Wrestling

Having Jacob and Mandy around meant some serious wrestling. Jacob always loves to tease the girls but I think he loves them tackling and tickling him more.

It's a good thing they were here. I really needed my brother here, we have always been really close and I think he knew my heart more than most. He was always willing to cuddle with me when I needed a good cry. He was first to wrap his arms around me to give me just a little bit of strength to talk to more people. I know my husband was not doing well so I know he needed to stay hidden. He hates crowds and has a huge bubble and losing Jayci only made this even worse. He was best alone or with my brother. I thought time would heal but time has only made the shock go away, and reality has set in.

I remember making that first phone call to my family..... The first was to my mom.... as I told her "mom they can't find Jayci" all I could here was uncontrollable crying, the heartbreaking kind that can't be fixed. She was telling me "oh honey I am so sorry I don't know what to say, but I'm getting ready to leave as soon as I can, to be there." I asked her to call the rest of the family for me and she did. It was the worst moments of my life but I was so grateful my family took the tine out of their busy schedules to be here for Layne, Ellie, and I. We are both very lucky to have such supporting families. I don't know how we would of made it through the first 48 hours with out them!

Playing Dress up and Barbies

Surprisingly amongst the busyness of the week Ellie and Ava got along so well. I'm sure it was nice for them to have quiet time to themselves and just play with out all the people in and out all the time and all the emotions that were going on in the house. As people were coming and going Ellie would either tell them about her new kitties or she would show them her room because the cleaning fairies came and cleaned it for her. She wanted to be the center of attention and I think her main focus through out the week was to make everyone happy. You could always catch her bringing me tissues to wipe my eyes or just come up and tell me I was the bestest mom in the whole world. I think she had a little help from above prompting her to be there right by my side always trying to put a smile on my face. I honestly don't remember fighting much with Ellie through out the week. She was Happy and Helpful and just wanted to do what I was doing. I think she knew what I needed and did her best to try and make up for something that I had lost.

I laugh because I tell people all the time that Jayci has some days possessed Ellie's body. Like one day Ellie and I were at the park and she said look what I can do mom and jumped off the top of the slide. Now this coming from my little girl who would NEVER EVER do anything crazy. She is my sit at the bottom of the slide, never going down, always watching everyone having a good time. I laughed and said, "Ellie, you quit letting that sister of yours talk you into doing things that only she would of done...." Thank goodness I have my sweet little Ellie who wears her heart on her sleeve. Since the accident I hear her sobbing sometimes in her room... I think she is missing Jayci and doesn't know how to tell us. She feels lost and confused... I only pray every night for her comfort and that her sister will always be a part of her. She needs a little bit of that Jayci spunk to make up for what she has lost.

I love these pictures of Ellie and Ava being princesses because right now that is all Ellie is to me. And I hate it when I am away from her for even 1 hour unless I know she is safely with her Dad.

I love these faces. Can you tell they are related? : )

(just a side note)
There are going to be very random posts from here on out. I still have quite a bit I need to post on Jayci but I need to get going with other posts before they get left in the dust and I forget about them. This is my family journal and I need to keep current on all the happenings in our lives. So that I can make my book at the end of the year just as I have done the last 3 years.

Ballet Performance at Autum Haven

April 18, 2011
This was the last performance that Jayci got to see before she passed away. I remember watching my girls and thinking how lucky I was to have two such amazing, beautiful girls. I kept looking down at Jayci strapped in the stroller just watching Ellie and clapping. She kept looking at me and saying "EEEIIIEE" while smiling and clapping like a wild woman. I was laughing so hard because I had never seen her so excited for anything before. Ellie did do a fantastic job and was sooo excited to finally have her clock. They had been waiting and waiting to get their clocks done and she was beside herself to have her clock. Well, on the way out Jayci kept grabbing and waving at all the old people. She was flirting with them. She kept on waving and smiling and saying, "bye bye bye...." One said to me on the way out, "she is going to be such a tease when she grows up."
Now that I look back on it, I think she was telling them "bye" because it was more like "I'll see ya soon."

I hate the thought that life goes on. I hate that my life has to go on without my sweet baby girl, but it does. I am going back and catching up on my life since the most horrible day in my life, April 22, 2011. I know that my sweet Jayci was supposed to go. I knew in time it would happen because I had felt the Holy Ghost confirm that to me. So without saying anything to anyone, I silently enjoyed every second of my little girl in her last weeks and days. Thank heavens for the promptings from up above or else I would have definitely been a lost mama. I know where my sweet Jayci is and I know she is being watched out for and cared for by loving hands of family and friends that have gone on before her until I can go be with her and continue raising her. Lucky for me she is watching out for those future siblings and teaching them things to do that will drive their mom crazy.

Jayci's Heirlooms

A few days after Jayci passed away Grandma Lillian called and asked me if she could give Jayci a locket that she had planned to give her when she was older and a sweater that was made for Grandma Lillian when she was a little girl. Of course I said sure. Grandma was planning on giving them to Jayci as she got older but felt now was a perfect time. So I asked her to write about them and why she wanted to give them to her and this is what she wrote:

The little fur coat was made for the last doll composition that I got for Christmas. Mother was too sick to get out of bed so she gave me a dollar and sent me to town to buy a Christmas doll. It cost $0.75. Mother made the wig from the switch my aunt, who was a beautitian, had given her. She crocheted a tan and yellow dress and made the fur coat out of scraps. I remember being able to pick the color from the scraps of material. It was one of my favorite colors and it still is today. I loved this little doll because it was one of my mother, Lillian's, last things that she made before she died. This was one of the treasures Jayci Lillian was to have of mine. I tucked the little coat under her pillow as a part of the treasure that was to be her's.

The locket was given to me shortly after mother died by my twin sisters, Beverly and Shirley. They were both married and gone from home, but they knew how hard it was for me. I was Mother's favorite daughter and everyone knew it. I think it was because I was her namesake. They engraved "Lillian" on the back of the locket, almost copying my mother's handwritting. This too was to be given to Jayci Lillian. I wanted her to love the name of "Lillian" and honor it for a great-grandmother and a great-great-grandmother. The pictures inside the locket are me at about the same age as Jayci and my mother about a year before she died. I so appreciated being able to give this speical gift to Jayci. At least one of my dreams could come true. Thanks Layne and Krissy.

I also thought I would throw this picture in that was on grandma's camera and was of Jayci at about 6 weeks old. Grandma gave her this Beautiful Vintage Blessing dress.

We loved it and it will definately be a treasure for me the rest of my life.
As I was sitting and talking with Grandma, she gave me the letters she wrote for Jayci along with a piece of paper that had the name "Lillian" written on it and the meaning of the name which is, "Belonging to God". As I read that I just cried because I couldn't believe how fitting it was for her. I love Grandma Lillian and am so glad that I went with my gut instinct and named my girls after both of our grandmas. They are both named after the most amazing women I know. I love my grandmas and appreicate all that they have taught and given to me. And have given my daughters a name to live up to!

Dedicating Jayci's Grave

After the funeral we headed over to the cemetery to dedicate Jayci's grave. We were the first car to pull up behind the hearse and we watched as so many followed in behind us. I couldn't believe the line of cars there to support us and our baby girl. I just remember thinking how lucky we are to live in such an amazing place with so many that support us and love us. As they started getting ready to get Jayci out of the car Ellie went straight over to help. She still wanted to be right in the middle to help her sister. I will never forget seeing her cute little white skirt walking up behind the casket as they walked Jayci to her final resting spot. As Layne and I were sitting in the chairs between our grandmas, Jayci's great-grandmas, I thought how unfair it was that the youngest of us all had to be the first to go.

As Grandpa Jay Nielsen dedicated her grave he gave such a sweet and beautiful prayer. I remember after he was done Jeff saying, "that concludes the services for Jayci......." After that I couldn't remember what he said because the word "concludes" stuck in my head. I just couldn't believe that this was the end.... I know I have forever with my sweet baby girl but the end on this earth.... The end of seeing her smile or holding her hand. I knew it would not be the end of talking about her or including her in everything we did by Ellie asking questions and talking about her. It was the the end of just looking at My sweet baby girl's beautiful chubby body and out of control hair with those over expressive dark brown eyes....... All week my friends kept asking me if there was anything they could do. I remember balloons at cousin Rachel's funeral and how much I really loved them. Ellie especially, because she never forgot about it and always reminded me about it. I asked them if they would have balloons at the cemetery for us to let go in honor of Jayci. As we finished sitting by Jayci's casket I could see them over by a trailer pulling out hundreds of pink and purple balloons. They were perfect. Ellie was so excited and I couldn't help but smile the whole time knowing how much Jayci would love them. It was a perfect ending to a perfect day. They even had a special bouquet just for Ellie. She got to send her the biggest bouquet and didn't let anyone forget it..... She was so excited to send Jayci all those beautiful balloons. As everyone in the crowd was getting one Ellie and I sat and talked about how much Jayci will love them and would try to pop all of them. I counted to three and everyone let go of Jayci's balloons. It was so beautiful.... and I knew it was a perfect way to say "Until we meet again sweet baby girl.... We love you!!!" After letting go of her's, Ellie went around and became the balloon police. There was a little girl still holding on to her balloon and Ellie told her, "you need to let that go and give it to my sister!" The little girl cried but in the end Ellie won and the little girl's Mom made her send it up...

Happy Fathers Day

Just wanted to add a quick little Happy Father's Day message. I want my husband to know how much I love and adore him. I am so lucky to be married to a guy who loves me and our girls unconditionally. I know he is feeling lost and mad about losing our daughter and I feel he has every right too but I was so grateful yesterday to be able to feel her near all day. I prayed that Layne would be able to feel of her presence and her love and I believe he did. As we are going on day by day and minute by minute. I hope that she knows how much she is loved and missed. Especially by her Daddy! He told me yesterday that he should have 6 huge brown eyes staring at him all day and hates that 2 are missing. He is by far the best friend that I have ever had and I couldn't imagine going through this with anyone else by my side. I love you Darlin, and hope you had the best father's day that could of been expected. Getting away for the weekend was amazing and we will post lots of pictures later but I just couldn't let another minute go by with out wishing him a Happy Fathers Day and letting him know how truly loved he is.

And Happy Fathers Day to all the Grandpa's and Dad figures in my life! I love and appreciate you all!

Funeral Time

Jayci's Funeral Day was, I felt, absolutely perfect. I didn't want to go through the day mourning her loss. I wanted it to be a day for celebrating her life. I pleaded with my Father in Heaven to allow me to be able to listen to the words that were spoken and enjoy them. I remember at the end of the viewing when we were getting ready to close the casket The spirit was so strong in that room.
I remember looking at the faces of all that loved us and the sadness and ache that they felt for us. I remember Jeff saying okay now it's time for the aunts and uncles to come up and say their goodbyes and then the grandparents. I remember watching every single one of my siblings and their significant others along with Layne's siblings walk up and kiss her on the head and hold her hand for the last time. I remember feeling like this isn't fair to them. I wish that they had all gotten to know her better. I remember My Mom just staring and I'm sure just thinking to herself how happy she was that she was able to come up and visit her 2-3 weeks prior to her accident. I know that Grandma Nielsen was always so proud to finally have a granddaughter with her full name. She was definitely a name sake to an amazing woman. I know Grandpa Jay loved her and ached for her and for the rest of our family and Val and Teresa were also going to miss her because they got to see her the most out of everyone.

Jeff asked one more time if there was anyone else that wanted to go up and say goodbye.... when everyone sat down it was mine and Layne"s turn to go up and finally say goodbye to our baby girl"s sweet and perfect body. I know it was just her body because I could feel her near I know she had her arms wrapped around each one of us, Layne, Ellie and I. I remember walking up to the casket for the last time and thinking this is the last time I will ever see this beautiful chubby little face here on this earth but how lucky am I that she will be preserved in Heaven so I can continue raising her in our next life. I can remember Ellie just wanting to be lifted up so she could hold her hand and tell her that she loved her and said to her... "I'll see ya on the other side." My sweet husband was just lost. He was still ached with pain over her loss, he was beside himself. I remember him putting his arm around me and just saying, "help me through this." I know that our Father in Heaven loved our little Jayci and that he was able to share her with us for her short time. I know that she will be a missionary to those that have gone on before us and to those left here to mourn over her.

As they started to close everything up I had to reach in and kiss her head and feel her hair one last time and sweetly ask her to watch over us, to be an example to our family, and never forget how much she is loved.... So they closed the casket and that was the end. I couldn't believe that just like that you never get to see them again here on this earth. I didn't want to remember her laying there asleep I wanted to remember her running and laughing and reeking havoc where ever she was and went.... I am so eternally grateful for all the thousands of pictures that I have of my sweet little girl. I have so many that I have never ever posted here on this blog but still have on my computer because I always took 9 or 10 of each shot....

As Layne and I were following behind Jeff hand in hand to go into Jayci's funeral Ellie did not want to go, she wanted to stay in the kitchen with Sister Taylor and be a "HELPER." I knew if I made her go in there with us she would be throwing a fit the whole time so we let her do what she wanted to do. It was her sister but she was still not fully understanding what happened. She knew she would never see her again but that was foreign to her because she still sees and talks to her still to this day. When we finally got in the chapel and were all seated the bishop welcomed everyone and then it was Eric's turn to play his piano piece. (During the week I had asked Kari if she would sing and Eric could play the piano. She said she would love to but would never be able to get through the first verse which I completely understood. So she said that Eric has been practicing a piano solo called "Come thou Fount of Every Blessing." As soon as she told me what the song was I was so excited because it was one of my very favorite songs of all time.)

So Eric got up to play and I was awe struck. I listened to it and the only thing I could think of was it was played as she lived her life everyday. It started out quiet and then got a little more antsy and then louder and then all of the sudden it was quiet with a little high note at the end. To me the song was like the day she went. I had literally pulled her out of bed still sleeping to take her over to Greg and Kari's so I know she was quiet and not fully awake when I got there. Then I sat her down and she was off and so excited to see those stairs and the other kids. I was kinda in a hurry so I told her I loved her, kissed her, and sat her down... and right as I was walking out the door she was halfway up the stairs and turned around and smiled at me with that big toothy smile that said, "I love you mom and I'm going to be alright......" and then she was off... The louder part of the song was her wanting to get in that water all day long. They tried and did everything they could to keep her away. They played and played and Lane took her on four wheeler rides until they finally shut her in the house.... But then as Jane went to throw her dirty diaper in the garbage she found her chance and with help from angels, quietly snuck out and to that river as happy as can be and that high pitch note at the end was her finally reaching her Father in Heaven... then PEACE....

I love that song and still to this day Layne and I can't even talk about it without bawling.....
After his song was over it was Robbie's turn to get up and talk about Jayci. I laughed so hard and was so amazed at all the things I had written down. I knew I blogged about her a lot but now more then ever, was so grateful for all the "little" things I wrote about. I laughed about how many times I came up with the blog post title "TROUBLE".....Layne and I also got the giggles because I know for a fact that as Robbie read from my blog she substitued " the Beast" where I know I wrote "that little S*i%..." I appreciated her doing it so much. It was exactly what we wanted and I was so grateful to feel of my little girl's presence with me the whole time. She brought me the peace that I needed to make it through the day and to have all those memories to share. (more to come about her later)

And then it was the little kids' turn to get up and sing "I am a Child of God." Ellie only knew the first verse so I asked Marva and Jana if they would just do the first verse twice so Ellie could get in all her singing. She was in the back with Lisa and ran right up to the front. They sang so beautifully and then she went right back down into Lisa's arms... I know she was happiest there and so I knew she was fine because we all wanted to be able to enjoy the day.

As Greg stood up Layne and I stood strong with still, quiet faces... I know Layne and I felt so much peace that it was easy to sit and listen to what he had to say. I was so grateful that he shared his story and his inspiration to be home with his children... I loved that he said. "why was I inspired to be home with my kids but not inspired to save her..." I know with every fiber of my being that it was her time to go. Her mission had been complete and she was able to fulfill her life's work. I was, and will always be truly grateful for Greg's testimony and remarks and knowledge that families can be together forever. They have become such a huge blessing in my life and I am so grateful for the comfort and strength I receive from them.

As Greg was finished Bishop stood up again to read a letter that Brad had wrote to, and about, our sweet Jayci. I am so grateful for his example to us and the knowledge that he is able to share with everyone on his mission about the Plan of Salvation and that families can be together forever.

It was time for the very last song to be sung and it was "Families Can be Together Forever." I'm sure that others felt the spirit as much as I did. I held my husbands hand on one side and my mom's hand on the other and was able to sing with a crackled voice that families can be together forever..... I have never felt the spirit so strong and I felt my daughter there too. I know without any doubt that the church is true. That I get to live with my daughter again and that families can and will be together forever.

When it was time for the casket bearers to come up and help walk Jayci out to the car Ellie crowed her way in and wanted to help too. It was her sister and she wanted to be right in the middle of it as well...... I am so grateful for our casket bearers.... I am grateful for our honorary casket bearers and Most importantly I am so so grateful that both of our families were there for us and will continue to be here for us through everything........ I love them all with all of my heart and know that we are all going to miss our sweet Jayci baby.... aka "The Beast."

(I also want to publicly Thank my Dad for coming and being a part of our day. I know he didn't know her that well but what grandpa wouldn't want to come and have a chance to say goodbye to one of their Grandchildren!)

Baby Jayci's Final Resting Place

I love that we had to order the bigger casket for Jayci. Normally with her age they would of went with a smaller casket but apparently she was a giant 16 month old and I didn't even realize it cause I was to busy chasing her to realize the growth spurt that she had. But her casket and flowers were absolutely beautiful and were so her personality (BRIGHT AND BUSY). I mainly love that after everyone walked away Ellie went back and picked the flowers apart only picking the ones out that she loved. Totally her and she still has them in her room on her dresser. (will add more words later but just wanted to share one last photo of sweet Jayci's casket!)

Dear Sweet Jane

(I wanted to make a quick note of something I was thinking about tonight while I was making dinner.)

I was standing at the counter making bread sticks for dinner thinking about Jayci and Jane's face popped into my mind. I was thinking about the things she must think about. Wondering Why? and How? Those are words that I have never thought about as I think of Jane and her last day with my sweet little Jayci. I think about her changing her diaper for the last time just as if I would have done. I would of changed her and sat her down to play and ran it out to the garbage just like she did.

I was thinking how I might be feeling a little jealous because she got to be the very last one to see her cute toothy smile and see that cute chubby little bum. I think of what she was thinking as she was trying to wrestle her down to even get her changed. I know what I would of been doing I would of been man handling her and laughing all at the same time because she was a pain to change.

I often think about Jane and how much Heavenly Father must love her and know of her strength and her spirit. And how much love she has for little kids. I love that she is and always has been the first one to come and get my girls and play with them when ever we come to visit. I know when she was around them they were instantly happy and so was she. I see how she is with my girls and I see how loving she is with them just as any Mother is with their own children! I want her to know how much I love and appreciate her and how much I admire the strength that she has had through this whole experience. I want her to know as much as I miss my little girl I would never change any experience that I have had since the accident has happened. (except maybe the car accident but that is a whole other situation.)

Dear Jane,

Thank you for loving my little girls and especially Jayci. Thank you for loving her in her last moments on this earth and treating her just as if I had her and maybe even a little bit sweeter and a little more patient! When and if you are ever missing her and ever want to talk to someone about her you know I am always here. I love to talk about her and will at any moment of time. Use your strength to lift up others just as you have me! Love ya Sis!

Krissy

Laying Down the Boutineers

Bringing her Tiny little body in to be layed to rest!

Great-Grandparents and Jayci's Namesake

#1 Casket Bearer and Best Friend to Baby Jayci

As the casket bearers were taking the casket over to the car Ellie crowded right in and said, "this is my sister and I want to stand right here." I thought it was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. She is and always has been so protective of her sister. When she crowded right in I wouldn't of expected anything less from her. She loves her sister more than anything and I LOVED that she wanted to help and be part of everything that went on that day!

Casket Bearers

Greg's Testimony & Bishops Remarks

Greg
My dear brothers and sisters, I stand before you a very humbled man. In my life I’ve enjoyed a great deal of success in nearly everything I’ve done. Nothing’s been harder for me than this past week. I’ve developed a new love; a love for Layne and Krissy and their family, and a love for people. I’ve unlocked parts of my heart that I’ve never shared before. To be honest I started giving this talk several days ago. Many of you have heard or read parts of it. For those that haven’t I want to share a few of those things that I have shared already with others. These are some small excerpts from a journal that I don’t write in nearly enough, written sometime Saturday:
“The mighty Snake River carries the waters of life and living to hundreds of thousands of people, millions of acres and diverse plant and wildlife. Its peaceful waters in my back yard have been a constant source of late evening stress relief and early morning tranquility regularly calming my heart and soul. Last night those same waters in that same back yard took the life of an 18 month old little girl. Words cannot quantify the void in my heart or the pain in my soul right now. Yet I know her family suffers much more. I know that Christ lives and loves each one of his children. Please pray for them, for us and let your hands be His hands.”
I’ll admit as I started to write that I was quite angry. I was so angry at that river. That I couldn’t stop it, and I couldn’t change it. And as I wrote, the prayers that were already being offered from all over the valley touched my heart and I found my testimony of the savior.
Again, early the next morning, this was Sunday morning, Easter morning.
“Twenty-four hours ago I stood waist deep in the frigid river waters. The crispy morning silence broken only by the scolding of two geese who knew I didn't belong there. I held close the tiny tabernacle of a beautiful daughter of God, having seen in the night the moment that angels escorted her spirit back to our Father in Heaven and knowing just where to go to find her. I held her tight praying for strength to make the phone call and finish what I had been called to do. This morning I returned to my river for quiet for peace to commune with my Father. This morning again, my two companions came out from the banks only not to scold me but to show me their testimony of life, of love, of Easter, their new family closely behind them revealed to the world to me for the first time this Easter Morning. I know my Savior lives, I pray for Layne and Krissy, for their family, for our community, for me.”
Last night:
“I saw her beautiful face today for the first time since I carried her from the water. I reached for her hand her tiny fingers still curved to fit perfectly around mine just as they did Saturday morning, Friday afternoon and many times before. Her hands and fingers were still cold and I found myself again longing to give her my warmth offering one last prayer begging to bring her back. My heart swelled with the warmth and love that comes only from a Father in Heaven, His spirit again confirming the truth of our eternal nature to me. I frequently pray that my hands may act for Him, that I may do for others as He would. Tonight I pray that for just one day, just those few moments that I stand before the many friends family and loved ones who will gather tomorrow to celebrate her life, that my voice may be His voice and that I may speak to them as He has spoken to me.”
Brothers and sisters, we all have a lot of questions. Life brings us those questions. Events like this bring us those questions. I don’t pretend to have the answers to all of them today. I don’t know that anybody in here does. What I can tell you, and I tell you this because it’s been whispered to me by the spirit of truth, is that our Father in Heaven lives, he loves each and every one of us. We are his children, we are of divine nature, we came from him, and we came from a perfect place, to this earth. This earth is not perfect, it couldn’t be. His plan for us to learn needed us to be in a place where we could learn and experience good and evil, pleasure and pain. He does not inflict those things upon us. He only let us come here to learn. But he sees those things coming, and when they do He prepares angels above and angels on earth to help us. To guide us to direct us, to touch our lives and to strengthen us. Brothers and sisters, he did not take Jayci from us. It was simply her time in the plan to go home. He was not punishing me, my family, her family, or anybody else. How could a loving God take a child from the earth as a punishment to somebody? No, she had filled her part in the plan and it was time to go home. He began preparing me days before. On Thursday I announced to the people I work with and my partner who was in town, that I needed to go home early on Friday to work at home where things are quiet. I didn’t need to go home to work; I didn’t know why I said that. But I told him that. I told everybody I won’t be here Friday afternoon. As I drove home Thursday night I thought well, my wife has a softball game and I probably should be there that’s why I made the announcement. When I got home Thursday night Kari told me that Ellie and Jayci were coming to our house during the game, the kids were all out of school. Eric, our very mature 15 year old and his younger brothers and sisters would be there. Friday, I went to work in the morning and I again wondered why I had told everybody I needed to go home early. But as lunch time approached I packed up my stuff and left. And I immediately called home. Lane answered the phone and I said “how’s Jayci?” I’ll admit I didn’t know Jayci nearly as well as a lot of you. I didn’t know her as “The Beast”, nor did I expect her to be a problem. When I think back Lane told me, “Well, she’s been pretty happy, but whenever she sees the river she cries so I put her on the four-wheeler and I take her for a ride around the yard and then she’s fine.” I worried all the way home. When I got home I found Jane packing Jayci on her hip like a little mommy taking care of her like she had a child. I helped her wipe her nose. I did know that about Jayci. I proceeded to lay some work out in my office, constantly seeing Jane go by with Jayci. Eric had friends over, our house was full. We had maybe 10 or 12 people there. As the afternoon wore on, Eric and I were supposed to be going on a campout with his teacher’s quorum. I hadn’t packed anything so I went downstairs and started trying to gather some gear up. Our house has 11 doors that go outside. I don’t know why I designed it that way, but it does. From the basement I went out one of those doors to get some gear from my fishing boat and came back in. I got my stuff and went upstairs, Eric was bidding farewell to his friends. Jane came down the stairs very excited. She had changed Jayci’s diaper and had gone to put things away leaving Jayci to play with some toys in the living room. When she came back she wasn’t in the living room. She went upstairs assuming she’d gone upstairs to play with some other kids, but she wasn’t there. She went outside assuming she had gone out to play with Eric in the front yard, and his friends. She wasn’t there. We became very worried. I immediately looked to the river. Nobody was in the backyard, the beach was empty. I never dreamed she could go through one of those doors. We searched our house, we turned it upside down and inside out. Soon Lane was searching outside, I kept telling him Lane, there’s no way she could get out there. Time passed, and we called neighbors. Has anybody seen Jayci? Soon there were hundreds in our backyard. There were divers in the river, there were planes flying overhead, and I was broken. I had knelt and prayed a dozen times by then. Why father!? Why would You bring me home? Why would You bring me here and not let me save her? I couldn’t bear to call Layne or Krissy. I didn’t’ know how to get hold of them; I knew Krissy was with Kari but she was coaching and her phone was not near her. Luckily, one of Father’s earthly angels came to my side and made those phone calls. I know they had to be horrible phone calls to make. Brothers and sisters, I saw true acts of God happening from that time forward, late into the night, people surrounded us. People walked the river bank with flash lights. People cared, this community cared, and God acted through his angels.
I didn’t sleep much that night, but I did catch many glimpses of what happened. I can tell you that there truly were angels, I didn’t get to see their faces but I saw them plain as day. She took their finger just as she would take mine. And they took her spirit back to Heavenly Father where he received her with open arms. He knew the pain and sorrow that we were going to suffer, and He began again his work to heal us. Brothers and sisters, I know that He lives. I know that He loves us, and I know that He’ll heal us. I know that families are eternal. This morning I sat in the temple and I noticed like I’d never noticed before. A mural painted of our valley with the river running through it. Those living waters will heal us, they will sustain us. And some day we won’t have to walk by faith anymore, we’ll have that knowledge, and we’ll understand. But today just as that river keeps flowing, we need to keep walking. We need to keep listening to the promptings that come to us. Because for everyone that has to leave there are millions that are saved everyday and they are saved by the hands of his angels. For every mortal, bad thing that happens on this earth, there are millions of good ones. And they’re done by His angles. By you and those who follow His promptings. If there’s one thing that I can ask today, that is, draw nearer to He who created you. Wherever you are in your life right now, draw nearer unto He who created you. Listen to those promptings that come in the still and the quiet. Create times for them to come. Turn down the music, unplug the headphones, and turn off the games. Let Him speak, He will. And when we listen, miracles happen. This is my testimony, and I leave it with you in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Bishop’s Remarks


Brothers and sisters as I come before you today, I hope you’ll bear with me. As you get called into positions of leadership, you grow to love the people you have stewardship over. It’s like losing one of your own, but I know Jayci is where she needs to be. You can’t look at the sun shining in the morning, the sunset in the afternoon, the beautiful flowers, the animals, and these wonderful children, all the quirks they have and their beautiful smiles. There’s no doubt that there’s a Heavenly Father who loves us, and we were created after Him. To us it’s a great tragedy, but Jayci was called home. As parents, the thing you hope for as you raise your kids, that they’ll make it back to live with you, and that they’ll be perfect. Jayci is perfect. She’s with her Heavenly Father and her Heavenly Mother and they love her. That puts the pressure back on us, so that we can live our lives, so that we can be with her. It’s gonna be tough, but you know, we just need to buck up and go on, and do the best we can. There will be days your heart will be empty, but there will be days you’ll think of Jayci and you’ll smile, the beautiful little girl that she is. It’ll bring joy to your heart, I can promise you.
As I was listening to those stories of Jayci, I’ve got a letter here from Brad that I want to read. He’s on a mission now in Argentina and Jayci was related to Brad ‘cause Brad always had kind of a mischievous smile on his face. You just never know what kind of things Brad was into. I remember Brad when he got to be a deacon and they went to do baptisms for the dead. And after we did that (we used to go to Logan back then), the only thing Brad wanted was to get to the Golden Corral and see how much food he could eat. And he ate so much that he threw up. I mean this is Brad, but I want you to think about that as I read this letter that Brad wrote.
What the Gospel Does for Us
I knew since the day Jayci was born that she was an adventurous girl and that nothing was going to hold her back. Jayci’s adventure has just begun. She is here with us in spirit still to test the faith, strength, and drive of her family to be able to go on the adventures with her in the afterlife. Like her adventure has just begun, so has ours. And it is to do the best we can do to be able to be with her again. Our tears will fall for her, but our spirits will not because Jayci is with us all the way. Her laugh, her smile, and her wild hair will never be forgotten because Heavenly Father never forsakes his children. In Matthew 19:14, Jesus said, “Suffer the little children and forbid them not to come unto me, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” Also in Doctrine and Covenants 137:10, “All children who die before they arrive at the years of accountability are saved in the celestial kingdom of heaven.” Jayci is in the celestial kingdom. She probably bit Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ when she was taken in their arms. Now she’s with the Father and the Son. It is my job as a missionary to work for the Father and the Son. My job is to help other families have the same opportunity to live with their families forever like Jayci’s family will. Jayci and I have been called to serve the Lord on both sides of the veil. It is my loving testimony that Christ lives and that families can be together forever. I love my family and especially Jayci. I love this work and the gospel.
Your loving and favorite Uncle,
Elder Brad Leroy Darrington.
With humility in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I couldn’t have said it better myself. What wonderful words that he has given to us. I know that our Heavenly Father lives. I know Jayci is safe and taken care of. I know that we can live together as families in this next life. I can testify to that that I know. Brothers and Sisters, I leave that with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Jayci's Celebration of Life by Robbie Anderson

Nearly 17 months ago, on the afternoon of December 1, 2009, Layne and Krissy were on their way to the hospital, anticipating the birth of their 2nd baby girl that day.
In Krissy’s own words:
The drive in was talk of excitement for a new baby. Layne was so excited to finally get her here. I was excited for Ellie to be a big sister. I kept saying out loud to the baby, “Get yourself ready because it’s no longer going to be quiet time; you’re going to get PLENTY of love.”

At 5:24 p.m. Miss Jayci Lillian Darrington took her first breath, and mom and dad fell head-over-heels in love with our new baby girl! Weighing in at 6 lbs. 15 oz. and 19 inches long. What an amazing day for our family to have one more beautiful baby girl!

Looking back, a year later, on Jayci’s first birthday, Krissy wrote:
It seems like yesterday I was the happiest mama in labor in the world. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I didn’t feel any pain with Jayci, and I got to enjoy the experience. I loved that I got to laugh and have a good time while she was being welcomed into the world. But what I didn’t know at the time is that Heavenly Father was preparing me for the days ahead when all I can do is shake my head and laugh at everything she does. Seriously, if she wasn’t so cute. . .

Layne and Krissy have asked me to share with each of you what a special, unique and wonderful daughter of God that Jayci is. I hope you will be able to understand how much they loved and cherished their daughter, and how much joy she brought into their lives.

There is no way to talk about Jayci without mentioning her nickname, which is “The Beast.” I’m sure there are many people who wonder how such a beautiful little girl could earn the title of “The Beast.” It was an absolute term of endearment, and she earned the title from a very young age. As soon as Jayci was able to move at all, she was EVERYWHERE and into EVERYTHING!
Most of my words are taken directly from Krissy’s blog, who always says it best.

From a blog entry on December 1, 2010
I love that you will always be known as “The Beast” because of all those crazy things that you do every single day.

December 21, 2010
I’m pretty sure Jayci is 100% BEASTLY! (And by “Beastly” I mean pretty darn cute in her own special way). It is her nickname, and I love it when people ask me how “The Beast” is.

November 2, 2010
I have this 11-month-old that is far more than I bargained for. Where did this little “BEAST” come from? Most days I send Layne a text that starts something like this: “The Beast…” and it ends with something that she has done throughout the day that has caught me off guard.

Jayci was a beautiful little beast, and brought joy and laughter to her family from day one. She wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, which resulted in her being a terrible sleeper.

April 1, 2010 (4 months)
The post is titled: Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Sleeper
We sure love this girl and are enjoying every minute with her, except at 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 in the morning.

June 27, 2010
Jayci pretends she is a monster ONLY when her hands are in her mouth. She is quiet until your hand or hers is in that mouth- then watch out! She growls and is louder and louder with every second!
I cannot believe Monster Jayci is 6-months-old. I don’t know what I have ever done without her.

February 1, 2010
Jayci has the curliest, craziest dark brown hair. Usually it’s out of control and there is no fixing it.
Layne thinks that she is going to be his adventurous one. She wants to fly, bounce and move all the time.

Ellie was so excited for Jayci to come so she could finally be a big sister. From the very beginning, Ellie insisted on changing Jayci’s diaper at least once a day.
Ellie and Jayci were best friends and partners-in-crime.

June 27, 2010
Jayci’s favorite person in the whole world is her sister. Jayci is convinced she is the funniest person on the planet. If Ellie walks into the room when Jayci is crabby, she will instantly quiet down and just giggle at her sister.


March 1, 2010
Whenever Jayci starts crying, I hear Ellie running to the rescue. Within seconds, I hear her singing, “I am a Child of God.” She is the best big sister. I love that no matter what she wants “her baby” to be happy, and 9 times out of 10, singing to Jayci gets her to stop crying.

March 16, 2010
Oh, having a sister is too much fun. As I was getting ready for our Anniversary Date with Layne, I had Jayci sitting in the bumbo on the toilet so she could sit up and watch. I walked away for two minutes. When I came back, Ellie was putting makeup on 3-month-old Jayci. Jayci had mascara all over her face. It was pretty cute, but definitely time to put the makeup away. Oh boy! Ellie is so good with her that it just melts my heart to watch them together.

April 12, 2010
The other night, Ellie insisted on holding Jayci and watching TV. I had to laugh because Jayci would not take her eyes off of me. It was like she was begging me to save her, but just couldn’t say it out loud. But she just snuggled right in and relaxed for a good 15 minutes until Ellie had had her fill of her sister and announced that she was done.

May 1, 2010
I had laid Jayci in her crib for a second while I was trying to find Ellie’s pajamas. While I was on the hunt, I could hear Ellie and Jayci giggling. When I went to check on them, Ellie was hiding under the covers in Jayci’s crib with her. No one can make Jayci giggle like Ellie.

From a blog post on October 20, 2010, titled T.R.O.U.B.L.E.
I had put the girls in the tub together, then got Jayci out, lotioned her up, and put her pajamas on. I sent her to the living room and went to get Ellie a towel. I got side tracked for about two minutes, then heard Ellie screaming, “Mom, Jayci is in the tub with me!!!” What? Are you kidding me? The baby can’t even walk but can crawl over the edge of the tub and get in? Are you serious? I know she loves bath time, but did she have to get in TWICE?
Later that night, Layne and I were watching TV in the living room while the girls were playing in our room. I looked at Layne and said that it was far too quiet with both of them in there. We laughed and forgot about it. Later that night, while we were getting ready for bed, Layne said to me, “Krissy, you can’t get mad at me for leaving my clothes on the floor.” I looked over, and sure enough, the BEAST had emptied out his drawers. She had somehow managed to push the stool up to the dresser and empty his drawer. Awesome!
WHY or HOW can a not-quite 11-month-old be so active and not be able to walk? Don’t get me wrong…I love that little soul. But she is not even ONE YET!!!



Although Jayci loved getting into trouble with Ellie, she was also perfectly capable of doing it all on her own as well.

September 13, 2010
Crazy Nine Months
Today Jayci is nine months old. Within two weeks, she went from rolling to sitting to crawling on all fours. She is crawling everywhere! With Ellie, I never had to worry about putting anything away- she was completely content to leave everything alone. Well, not #2, or as I like to call her, Monster. She growls at everything and is constantly into EVERYTHING. Not things she can play with, mind you. The no-no stuff. I give her a toy…she finds coins. I give her a treat…she finds crayons. I give her a sucker…she smears it everywhere. You get the point. I am in trouble!

From another post titled T.R.O.U.B.L.E. on March 13, 2011
Jayci loves to dump the cereal all over the ground. She dumps it out and eats the marshmallows and leaves the rest. I can’t say that I don’t blame her, but I HATE cleaning up cereal 20 times a day.

Jayci loved to be in her walker, and Krissy often let her walk all over their front patio outside. Jayci loved to chase Tank, their dog, in her walker. For those of you who haven’t met Tank, he is a HUMUNGOUS St. Bernard who TOWERED over Jayci.
On October 9, 2010, Krissy wrote, Jayci is rough when it comes to running into people in her walker, and she thinks it’s hilarious. Not even Tank gets out of the way of the BEAST in her walker. I sure love this little girl.

From December 17, 2010
We just love every ounce of this child. Lately she is into parking her walker into the Christmas tree. The tree has seen more love than in any years past. She definitely makes my life interesting.

From a post on August 11, 2010 titled Commander of Destruction
Last night, after I had taken the girls out of the bathtub and into their pajamas, I went into the kitchen to make Ellie a smoothie. When I came back, my little destructor was at it again. You cannot leave this little one alone for five minutes. I wish I would have captured a picture of her yesterday afternoon, but I was too angry…I had just vacuumed and had to do it all over again. Jayci had knocked the garbage over, took the old flour bag, and drug it around the dining room, into the living room, and stopped in my bedroom. Needless to say, I was vacuuming again!!! She is pretty dang cute and I wouldn’t change her for the world. But I would allow someone to borrow her for a while.



December 1, 2010
Oh how I love being your Mommy. You make us laugh all the time. I love when you look at me when you are doing something wrong and give me the biggest cheesy grin with those cute 8 very crooked teeth. I love that you are always one step ahead of me. If you are in one mess, you move quickly to another before I get the first one cleaned up.
I love when she throws her head in the air and smiles what we call the “TEETH” smile. I love when she eats- she closes her eyes and shakes her head like she is enjoying every bite that goes into her mouth. Then, when she is done enjoying her food, she literally spits it right back into your face.
On her first birthday, I was standing five feet away when she dumped ¾ of the bottle of Kirkland dish soap down the front of her WHILE she was eating it. Awesome! I still don’t know how I’m going to get ½ a gallon of dish soap out of her clothes- I don’t want to have a bubble mess everywhere.
I love it when Ellie scolds her and calls her “Jayci Lillian” just like her mom.
Layne and I have enjoyed her every single day and laugh at all the things she does.
At one year, Jayci sprint crawls everywhere. She thinks her dad walks on the moon. She laughs when she is in trouble. She has the cutest facial expressions and the best personality. She is the BEAST!

Jayci had a special relationship with all her relatives. She was truly loved and cherished by all her grandparents and relatives.
On October 1, 2010, Krissy wrote:
A few weeks ago, Uncle Hobbie (Layne’s brother, Kelly) thought he might take Jayci for a ride in the tractor. I really thought he’d call within the hour and say, “Krissy, come and get her.” But he never did. 3 ½ hours later, I called to check on them and he said she hadn’t cried and is still as happy as a clam. She loves him and he loves her, and they are happy together.

Jayci also had a very special relationship with her daddy. Many people have mentioned that they never once saw Jayci when she wasn’t in her daddy’s arms. In all fairness, I know Krissy did plenty of wrestling with Jayci during Relief Society, but you could always find Layne at church, holding Jayci in his arms.

On October 20, 2010, Krissy wrote:
We really haven’t had many opportunities to go and ride in the tractor with Layne this year. Ellie was begging to go see her dad. We called him and he was happy to have us. We probably rode with him for over an hour. It was good quality time with dad, and Jayci kept grabbing at her dad and saying “Da Da Da.” He was so excited because she really hasn’t been that talkative, so she definitely knew who dad a was.


January 12, 2011
Jayci eats EVERYTHING! Anything and everything- steak, eggs, chicken, fish (especially crab)- you make it, the kid eats it!

March 1, 2011 (15 months)
Jayci is trying to talk a lot. She jibber jabbers and makes up all kinds of stories. She is really into throwing everything away. Books, clothes, shoes, blankets, etc… I find the darndest things in the trash.

April 1, 2011 (16 months)
Jayci is quite the character. Right now, she is in her crib, kicking the wall as hard as she can, laughing and talking non-stop. She is supposed to be sleeping, but pounding the wall is way more fun. She is also out-of-control in the morning. And by out-of-control, I mean the happiest jumping bean I have ever seen. Layne is not a morning person. I get Jayci up and try to lay her in bed with us, but there is no laying. She is bouncing, jumping, and sitting on our heads, throwing blankets off the bed, and doing whatever she can to get her dad up.
She is still into everything. Her new favorite things are the plungers and the toilet bowl brush. She loves to hit Ellie with them and try to brush her teeth with the toilet brush. MOST of the time, I catch her before that happens, but a few times, I have been way too slow. She is quick!

November 6, 2010
Where O Where Can My Beast Be?
I had been in my room folding laundry, and couldn’t hear Jayci terrorizing anything, so I went to find her. I was calling her name, and still couldn’t find her. I called out for Ellie, and we went looking for her. How hard can it be to find an 11-month-old in a four-room proximity? A few seconds later, I heard a rustling sound under the sink, and sure enough, that little beast had crawled in there and shut herself in. She was SOAKED from playing in the bucket that catches the water run-off. She had been dipping her face and hands into the bucket. Gotta love a child that roams and finds new adventures every day!

April 7, 2011
A Great Day
Jayci got tubes in her ears in the morning, then came home and took a four-hour nap. After her nap, I put up all the normal barricades to keep her out of trouble, and went to my room to do Zumba on the wii. When I was done, Jayci was quiet, and I couldn’t find her. Eventually, I called out enough, and she answered me, hiding out in Ellie’s closet. I didn’t think anything of it until I went to the candy drawer to get a Cadbury Egg. They were GONE and they were MINE! Well, let me just tell you, there were THREE of them in there, and they were GONE!!! I asked Ellie if she had eaten them, and she said, “no, mom, but I saw Jayci with one.” Jayci ate all THREE of them, foil and ALL!!!
I went to investigate the situation, and discovered that the little beast had pushed the case of 36 waters from Costco underneath the candy drawer and got what she wanted. She is seriously sooo sooo smart…and knows to do things when I’m busy or preoccupied!