Hard Moment For Mom!!!

On the way home tonight I was talking to Ellie about the new baby.  I asked her if she wanted the baby to share a room with her. And she proceeds to tell me "Yes, because I'm her protector. And her big sister it's my job to take care of her."  I then told her that in a few weeks we would be cleaning out Jayci's room and moving the crib into her room and the next thing I know my little Ellie is hysterically sobbing in the back seat.  I asked her what is wrong and she told me, " Don't say Jayci's name tonight, It breaks my heart. I miss her so much. You say she is in my heart but she is suppose to be big and be a baseball player just like me. It's so stupid (that she isn't here.)"  I of course was crying in the front seat and had to gain composure before I answered her and told her that she was watching her in the clouds at every single one of her baseball games. That she watched you try really hard and run really fast around the bases. Even when you throw the bat when your batting.  It kinda got her heart off of it for a little bit and she laughed and said, "I did throw that bat far huh,?"  We laughed and then she proceeds to tell me that she is going to never let her baby sister forget that she had another big sister named Jayci.  She said, "I'm going to read her those books and always show her those pictures on our wall." I told her that would be perfect. And we'll always talk about her so none of us never forget.  She said that's a good idea.

I know moment's like this are going to happen alot through out the rest of my life. I'll have other kids that will always be curious and ask questions. I'll get to talk about her all I want and as much as the others are willing to listen.  But today I'd say it's still a little raw and very close to the surface.  I feel like Ellie has missed out on so much and so have Layne and I. I just pray these moments get easier... That as a mother I'll be more prepared to deal with them.  Father in Heaven Please continue to watch over my little family we still need  you every second of everyday!  

Home Again, Home Again

Hern (Kaylen) is home from his mission from Mexico. My little Ellie could not be more excited. For the whole week before he got home she kept saying.. "Finally someone to jump on the tramp with me again." Hern, never tells Ellie No when she asks to jump with him. He has always help a special place in her heart. She has loved him since she was a little, little girl. Which I love to watch them together because he is such a sweet, very shy guy and no matter what Ellie can get him to do anything. Needless to say this family is happy to have him home. We sure do like this guy alot. 

 

Layne is a DOG magnet. They love him and he loves them. This particular day Layne was trying to play sling-golf and the dogs would not leave his feet.  It was hilarious know matter where he stepped or went they were right at his feet. He sure is a sweet guy and it's funny when even dogs know it!

Layne headed to Scout Camp to Paint the D

 

 

 

 

Layne was getting ready for scout camp and Ellie and I thought it was a beautiful night to go for a drive.  The sunset was amazing but unfortunately I am not that great at shooting sunsets. But practice makes perfect which is always what I tell Ellie...

Ellie's Last Game!

My Ellie has turned out to be quite the little baller. She cracks me up about everything she does. It is always so over dramatic. For instance, when she bats she throws the bat clear back to the back stop and about takes everyone out in its path. So her coach has to wait on the side for her to run the bat to her and continue to run. I will be working with her over the next year.  She always has a smile on her face and runs as fast as she can. We completely are in love with this little girl. She is our whole world! 

Jayci's Roses

 

 

 

31 Weeks and COUNTING....

 (Picture was taken at Lake Tahoe on Saturday. )

I can't hardly believe it myself. I figured this pregnancy would go by really slow but it hasn't. I have been so busy with my life whether it has to do with school, chasing Ellie, coaching softball, vacationing, watching tv, visiting with friends, enjoying my husband and Ellie, and my church calling I haven't had alot of down time... (And no TV is not down time... I LOVE IT!) We are looking forward to the next 9 weeks because they are going to go by SUPER fast with my brother's wedding in 3 weeks and her joining us 5-6 weeks after that.

Layne and I are looking forward to having a little peanut in our home again. We have missed our Jayci so much. We know that this little lady will not replace her but with surely fill a GAPING HOLE we have felt for nearly one year, 2 months, and 4 days but really who is counting. We have missed feeling the need to be parents, missed the excitement of sisters running around and playing with each other. We have ached for our Ellie who has missed her sister tremendously.  I have missed the ache of a baby in my arms just wanting me to love on her.  Can you tell? Were counting down the days.... And do you know it just happens to be exactly 16 months and 21 days that we are due after losing our Jayci and that Jayci died when she was 16 months and 21 days.  So many coincidences or maybe I just over analyze things. 

We really had a hard time getting pregnant with this little lady.. I pleaded with my father in Heaven that I wouldn't be left alone while Ellie is at school. My job was to be a mother and raising a family.  I kept praying and praying and nothing was happening. When I found out I was expecting I counted out the day and realized I am due the day Ellie is suppose to start kindergarten.  Such a tender mercy in my eyes.  Thank goodness for a compassionate doctor, who is sensitive to our situation and is actually going to start me a week early so Ellie can spend some quality time with her sister before we ship her off to kindergarten. 

I have wondered so many things about this little lady. I have wondered who is she going to look like? My bald as a billiard ball, dimples baby Ellie or have lots and lots of dark curly hair, and perfect baby Jayci.  I wonder if she be collicy like Ellie or perfectly content all the time like Jayci. If she'll grow to be a sweet, non destructive contest little girl like Ellie or be a quiet but always causing trouble like Jayci.  Mainly I pray she is a mix of them both. I hope she reminds me of both her sisters but is still herself. Only time will tell.... And I cannot wait. 

This pregnancy I have gotten HUGE. I have never been this big in my entire life. I only gained at the most 11 lbs with my other two girls... This one Ha, what a joke!  I'm not much more then I am at full term but I still have 9 blissful weeks.  I have had alot of different cravings through out this pregnancy from pickles/twix (YES together) from Salty foods which has entailed lots of fritos to the one thing that I can never get enough of Dr. Pepper. and my all time favorite thing tator wedges and fry sauce.  I do eat other things but that about sums it up. 

But I have been very blessed in the sick department. I can honestly say I have not felt sick/queasy from this pregnancy. I have been SUPER tired but that is because my lack of caring or having the desire to get out of bed till 10 in the morning which I would say has come from a little depression in fighting hormones and missing my little Jayci. 

I just have to end this post with I cannot wait to have this little girl. I cannot wait to see a little bit of glimmer in my husband and daughters eyes. I cannot wait to experience all of her firsts with her and just snuggle her in my arms. I miss that more than anything the ache to just be responsible for another human being.  I love being a mom and wife. It's the biggest blessing I have ever been given. It's not always easy but it is by far worth it. I am grateful to KNOW that my family is FOREVER...

Here's to 9 weeks and counting!!!

T-Ball Water party! Cute little Ladies!

 

 

 

 

Jayci's Roses are in full bloom!!

I LOVE sitting in Jayci's Utopia and pondering life. My favorite is to watch the moon come up while smelling all the flowers around.  It has become quite the garden and FULL of PINK!!! I love it.
 

Put me in Coach I'm ready to Play....

I have loved watching Ellie play tball this year. I love that she thinks she is boss and knows exactly what she is doing. It's fun to watch her get better every time. I find it very interesting that we can all ready tell which girls have coordination and which ones don't. Poor Ellie is right on the fence. I think with alot of practice and time she'll figure it out. AT LEAST I HOPE.  As you can see in the pictures below she hasn't quite figured out the importance of paying attention to what is going on. She sure is cute and makes me smile all the time...

And I do have to say my dear sweet hubby is the sexiest third base coach I have ever seen. I wish I had a picture to prove it but I was busy recording this game and missed it. I love that he already is so supportive and gives her helpful suggestions. 

 

 

breakdowns...

I have been feeling a wee bit.... FAT... these days. I am 28 weeks prego and the weather has been SUPER hot. Yesterday I really thought I needed to be put out of my misery. My little wienies (toes) were just so huge. I thought if this is just a glimpse of the summer weather I am in big trouble! Today I am a new woman. I had more energy then I every thought was possible in the last few weeks and am just loving this 50 degree weather.

But with not feeling well and tired and miserable through out the days I get really depressed. To the point I just sit on the couch for hours and hours at a time. Not to mention lay in bed till 10:30 or 11 in the morning.  Which also means I am not sleeping because its to hot and I have the worst case of restless leg syndrome. 

When I get depressed I just ponder life... 

And when I ponder life it just takes me to my sweet angel in heaven. Whom which I miss like CRAZY... I have been thinking about where she would be and what she would be doing.  Ellie pointed out to me that Jayci will be three this year. And it's time for a new casket because she is to big for the one she has. (Oh the tender love that big sister has for her Jayci.)  THREE.... That means PRIMARY... I can't even imagine my baby girl going to primary.  I can't wrap my head around her being anything but a baby. (16 months and 21 days to be a matter of fact.) I try to but I just can't.  Which is okay with me. I want it all to be about our family when we are reunited. I want it like that so Layne and I don't miss out on one dang thing.  But all this thinking lately has turned me in to a big heaping pile of Pregnancy mess. 

For instance, I went to Walmart by myself today because we had a RS presidency meeting and I ran in quick while Layne was at home with Ellie.  While I was in there a lady walked by with a baby that had crazy brown hair, and brown eyes and a chubby little face. I just busted out crying my eyes out. The lady looked at me with concern but just kept on a walking.  I of course was tired so I sat down on the yogurt eisle and had myself a good cry. I am sure people that walked by thought I was loosing it but I figure the best way for me to heal is to let it all out. Cry when necessary. Scream when mad. Grunt cause I'm having a hard time getting around.  Love with all I have. 

With heartache comes love and lots and lots of it.  This little princess will have so much love shown towards her by Layne Ellie and I she will not know what it's like to want.  I am afraid that Ellie has her life already planned out for her. She is beyond thrilled to be getting another little sister and protecting her.  She is always telling me the things they are going to do and let me tell ya it's alot and it practically cuts me out. LOL I have to say I'm kinda glad Ellie is headed to kindergarten so I can at least have the baby to myself for 3 hours.  Because when that big sissy get's home this little lady is going to be all hers... And then I have to share with Daddy at night. I'm afraid she is never going to be laid down.  But that is all okay.... Because we need her more then I ever thought was possible... 12 weeks and we get to meet princess number three.  I can't wait to meet her and see who she looks like. Jayci or Ellie, Lots of hair or completely bald, dimples or not dimples, long eye lashes or short thick lashes... Lucky for me they both have the same nose and mouth. and are the most precious things to me. I am just super excited to feel needed again. 

Memorial Day

I am very grateful for Memorial day and the opportunity we have to celebrate those that have gone on before us.  It give our family the opportunity to go up and see our baby girl and let her know we are thinking of her. And to all those that also think of her and remember her. Even though it's only been a year it brings joy to my heart to see that others remember her too.  We sure love our little lady and miss her everyday!!! 

He's Brilliant!!

Tank is one of those kind of dogs that doesn't do much but sit around and be lazy all day. But when you turn on a sprinkler, air hose, pressure washer, and his new thing a SAND BLASTER. he tries to eat it until it's turned off.  This is what he does to all of those. which leads to us not getting anything done or Tank getting tied up. He is quite the dog.  We sure do love our little HORSE! :)