I have to say that I love to blog. It is our family journal and has kept all our memories safe in one place. I have a hard time keeping a journal, for some reason putting pen to paper is hard for me. I especially love that I can print my blog off into books. My girls have loved them to pieces, literally. I even have one book in particular that Jayci was super fond of and is missing a few pages because she wanted to carry them with her. Every time we look at them I am amazed at how many things I have forgotten. This blog/journal is something I will never ever be able to replace. But I have found myself in a hard spot. I can't seem to get myself to work on my 2011 blog book. I have started it and have loved what I have been able to go over and remember the memories I have of my Jayci but I am getting closer and closer to April 22, 2011 and can't seem to get it done.
Every time I think about it I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and just want to throw up. I live that day over and over in my head all the time but to read about it just kills me. I am so grateful for it because I wrote things there that I never would of been able to remember if I hadn't.
But the hardest realization for me is knowing that is where my last memories of my TRUE Joy ended on this earth. That is the last of my true family pictures I will ever have. Sure I will have family pictures but they are never going to be my whole family. They are never going to be the same and always changing. I look up at the last family picture we ever took as a true family and it just breaks my heart. I never get that again. I never get to have all my girls and my husband together again here on this earth. I would give anything to have one family picture where we are all here healthy and happy. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes. I often wonder what I ever did to deserve this heart ache. That is buried so deep sometimes I'm afraid to let it out because I don't know how I would handle it. I hate letting others see me cry because I am afraid I would never stop. I ache to see all my girls playing together, wrestling on the floor with their dad and just loving one another. I ache to fill that huge gap I have in my life.
I am truly blessed to have to husband that I do. I know he hurts just as much as me. I know that we both have good and bad days. It hurts to see the pain in his eyes and there isn't anything I can do about it. It hurts to hear Ellie say things like I wish Laney knew Jayci... Some days it's all I can do to crawl out of bed and do it again. Thank the good Lord for my testimony and the knowledge that I have. TO KNOW that my family is forever. Someday I will be together with all my children again with my husband right by myside. But for now I am doing what I can. I am trying to make my daughter proud. So when she runs to my arms she will let me know I have done good in the world.
Faith in every footstep is what I have to tell myself everyday. Have Faith that this is all going to work out. That will be blessed by the faith that we have had in the hardest trial of our lives. That if we push and teach our children the ways of the Lord we will be blessed with that opportunity to be as a WHOLE family once again.
I will push forward and work on our book but just know it is NOT easy! I pray for all those mothers that are going through what I am everyday. Whether it has been 6 months or 20 years since they have lost a child. I ache for all of you the same. We are in this journey together!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Friday, February 15, 2013
Charlee
My friend Cydnee has asked if I could watch her little girl one day a week. And of course I said YES! I love her and especially love having her around. She cracks me up. She really doesn't say a whole lot but we have been breaking her of that. We try all the time to get her to say EVERYTHING! One thing she can say is "cake". Ellie was confused and kept telling her we didn't have any cake. But of course she was persistent with cake and Ellie soon realized she wanted to watch one of her strawberry shortcake movies. So funny! Ellie is very patient with her but I love watching her interact with someone close to Jayci's age. Some days it's bittersweet but I LOVE IT! Thanks for playing with us sweet girl!
A Lesson in Crawling!
Ellie is very ready to have Laney mobile. I on the other hand am dreading it. I am going to buy a circular play pen to keep her contained. I learned that the hard way from my baby Jayci!!! Ellie is such a sweet big sister. If I could only get Laney to laugh the way she does. My girls are very blessed to have Ellie as their big sister and biggest fan!
Spoiled with Valentines!!!
Ellie's Valentine's started early this year. We have some of the dearest friends that sent my girls a speical Valentine's package. I wish I was more on top of it and would of done the same in return. (I will make it up to them) and also my sister and brother in law never forget a holiday. My girls are very spoiled and get packages from them every holiday. Thanks Matt and Jess. Jess has influenced me to be the same way and actually my Ellie loves to pick out treats and pass them along to her cousin. I can't wait for Matt and Jess and Jacob and Mandy to have babies so we can spoil them too. I love being an aunt!
Her Eyes
I know I have said this time and time again. But having a baby with blue eyes blows my mind. They aren't just blue but "heavenly blue." I can get lost in them all day. She is the sweetest baby. She has by far been my best baby. All my girls have definatley had their own personalities. Ellie was my fussy baby. Jayci was my stern baby. You had to make a fool out of yourself to even get a reaction from her. Laney is my happiest baby. If you even look at her she just smiles and lights up the room. She thinks she is shy but I don't believe it for 2 seconds. and she makes noise 24/7. You can hear her coooing all day. Not to mention she flaps her arms and legs ALL THE TIME!
you see that little brown spot in her eye. Well that is the only thing the little lady got from me in appearance. NOTHING else resembles me in any way shape or form other then her LOUD laugh and talking... She is so cute!
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